As we all know, Hollyoaks exists in its own wonderful parallel dimension – just like our dimension, yet turned up to 11. Here is our guide to all you need to know about the ‘Oaks…
Once a year, Hollyoaks does a spring clean and kills off several of its characters, usually in some kind of explosion or car accident, the classic example being the explosion at The Dog that managed to wipe out Sam the rohypnol rapist, two students and both of Justin’s twin sisters. Efficiency – see?
The flipside to superfertility (see below), the Hollyverse decrees that should any bad luck befall you during pregnancy, be it a miscarriage or being pushed down the stairs by your psychotic secret half brother, you shall thus be BARREN for the rest of eternity.
Verb: To consciously divert the subject of a conversation so it is all about you, “Back To Me”
Noun: One who BTMs. Noteable BTMers include Maddie, Frankie and Steph (R.I.P)
You know when cats sometimes leave their tongues sticking out and forget about it? Well, Hollyoaks types have a tendency to do this too. Particularly Warren and Brendan. We can’t decide whether we like this or not.
If you have something important to say then you had best say it within a few inches of someone’s face. Chester’s most prolific close talker was of course Warren, who presumably needed to speak in such close proximity or else no one would be able to hear his whispering.
Since his demise, there had been a closetalking vacuum in the village, with no one having the sufficient skills to willfully violate an individual’s personal space. That is until a certain moustachioed lothario showed up…
Unsurprisingly, given the amount of ‘family trauma’ and the like, there is a LOT of crying in the ‘Oaks. Mostly by the men. Chief offenders: Darren, Riley and Doug. But we don’t mind, because they look so pretttttttty.
Drugs are bad mmm’kay
Take drugs and you will end up a homeless, incontinent, pasty-skinned, penniless gollum-alike selling your arse for heroin and, worse still, dressing like a Pete Doherty tribute act. Don’t do it kids!
The end bit
The scene at the end of the closing credits can be amazing/infuriating – as usually you have stayed around to watch it even though you need to go to the loo. Sometimes it features a key plot or character development. Sometimes it’s a fart joke. That’s the risk you take.
A Hollyoaks tradition: introduce a new, seemingly happy and normal family and then proceed to kill them off one by one or at least subject them to the most miserable lives possible. Mwah ha haaa!
Film student moment
Every now and then Hollyoaks does something crazy – a dream sequence, a musical number, slo-mo, a montage, a Hitchcockian reverse-zoom dolly… and we suspect they have let their film student intern loose with the camera and editing suite. Yay!
Well, semi-nudity at least. With a cast as finely formed as Hollyoaks, sometimes there needs to be very little reason for them to get their kit off. Not that we are complaining.
A relatively new phenomena, hobbit boys now roam where ratboys once held dominion. Descendants of Max and OB, they are generally short, hairy, rotund types who are perpetually involved in comedic subplots and rarely get taken seriously by anybody – see Duncan, Ricky, Finn, Seth and the mighty Lee Hunter for fine examples of hobbitboydom.
As we all know, all Hollyoaks characters are required BY LAW to shag at least one McQueen. The McQueen index is a useful guide to their progress.
The long suffering better half of WLH. Claims to not be a fan of Hollyoaks, yet has a suspiciously encyclopedic knowledge of it. Occasionally feels threatened by WLH’s love for Brendan Brady.
The T4 sunday omnibus of the ‘Oaks is something of a british institution. Nothing soothes a hangover better than three hours of Hollyoaks. Fact.
Hollyoaks is the randomest of all the soaps, perhaps of all TV programmes ever. Where else would you get film student moments, imaginary friends, sister shagging, fart jokes, rubbish social workers, gratutious nudity, scary police officers and Darren?
Chester is heavily populated by skinny, feral, rodent-featured young men (see Ste, John-Paul, Darren, Rhys, Fletch etc), the polar opposite of the likes of Warren and Calvin. Maybe it’s something in the water.
You may not be aware of this but Hollyoaks is home to a family of super-advanced robots, here to establish replicant dominion on Earth.
Sign language lady
On our screens every sunday morning during the T4 Hollyoaks omnibus, sign language lady has the enviable job of expressing the high drama of the ‘Oaks through the medium of sign language. She almost makes us wish we were deaf.
Now that the ‘Oaks is a five day bohemoth, the spin-off is sadly a thing of yesteryear. We only have happy memories of what manifested itself in three ways: the spin-off video (Remember Hollyoaks: Off On One on VHS?!); the ‘late night’ Hollyoaks that usually featured mild swearwords like ‘shit’ and ‘bum’ and at least one rape; the spin-off series such as Hollyoaks: Movin’ on and Hollyoaks in the City…did the world really need a whole series about Ben and Lisa?!
And now of course there is the 5 night guilty pleasure that is Hollyoaks Later, which means YAY! Read all about Hollyoaks Later.
There’s a bit in Terminator 3 when evil blonde fembot TX takes control of the Terminator, so instead of trying to protect Nick Stahl (we won’t call him John Connor because EDWARD FURLONG WAS JOHN CONNOR, OKAY?) the Terminator suddenly tries to kill and dismember Nick Stahl, only to then shut itself down, restart and carry on trying to protect Nick Stahl. A crazy personality change, we’re sure you’ll agree, and a commendable attempt to inject a bit of tension into an otherwise moribund entry in the Terminator series. Our point? Occasionally Hollyoaks characters have similar switches of personality – one minute good, the next evil, then back to being good again – for the purposes of whatever storyline they happen to be part of. Not that we’re saying they are being controlled by an evil blonde fembot – though that would explain the existence of Liberty. Bart, Carmel and Mitzeee are recent examples of characters who have ‘done a T3′
Specifically, Mercedes‘. The most fearsome force in the known universe, it can tear apart couples, families and planets at will. Activate it at your peril.