Well, where do we start with the first Hollyoaks omnibus of the tenties?
blonde v blonde
We expected the Zoe/Lydia she knows that she knows that she knows plot to rumble on for ages, but instead we were treated to a new year’s eve showdown. This was of course after a toe curling scene where Zoe used her womanly wiles to try and honey trap Lydia. Yep. That’s right. There is officially now no situation when Zoe will not use her womanly wiles.
Anyhoo, with Zoe dressed a la Madonna/Material Girl and Lydia, well, being her usual spooky self, things got a little bit stabby down at Sarah’s grave, Zoe getting a punctured stomach and bowel for her troubles. Ouch!
And now, sadly, Lydia is all banged up (though somehow had time to doll herself up a la Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner) – boo hoo. Watching her all caged and mental is fun though, we are hoping she denies her suicidal urges and becomes a Hannibal Lecter-style uber villain, causing all sorts of mayhem from behind bars. In the mean time – her mum and interestingly named sister Persephone are nearby. Will we get to meet them? We hope so!
more familiar grimness
The Hannah-rexia storyline (thanks to @Sugafairey for that one!) continued down the usual “I don’t need to be in hospital” “Yes you do”, “I’m not anorexic” “Yes you are” conversations for what felt like hours, though at least this time our beloved Darren was involved and there was narky anorexia doctor Diane to shout at everyone. Hannah, just have some cake. Go on. Just a little bit.
2010 resolutions
Cheryl: treat body like temple, no carbs after 9pm, win X Factor
Lydia: be dead by 2011
in other news
more steph-gilly-fernando-cheryl yawnsomeness (ignore what we said about Newt and Rae – THIS is the world’s least interesting love story. BORED NOW); The Dog runs out of booze on NYE so gives away free biergrad; Amy takes back her kids (about bloody time); Cheryl is attacked by some hair straighteners; eat sushi off Michael Flatley, get it on with Simon Cowell – Cheryl’s to do list before she settles down; we learn Myra was preggo with her third kid when she was 18; Cath, Theresa’s skank jailbird mum is in town to ponce a grand of her unsuspecting daughter’s trust fund – we know we shouldn’t, but we kinda like her. She’s fun.
quotes
“That’s really…weird” Charlotte on the Lydia and Zoe living together situ. You’re not wrong pet.
After the AMAZINGNESS of the Newt/Eli/Rae standoff, we have been feeling a bit underwhelmed by the ‘Oaks these past couple of weeks, but nevertheless here are a few things that caught our eye in this weekend’s omnibus:
Tony=bastard
Rather than rewarding Ste and a returning Natty’s enterprising endeavors to keep Il Gnosh afloat in his absence, Tony got all uppity that they wernt selling his pretentious faux italien food and thusly sacked the pair of them. Huh. We are counting the days until Cindy fleeces him.
Random factor
Jake and Malachy walk off to The Loft for a pint. As they go, in the distance someone (we think Darren) stands outside the Drive’n'Buy and watches them go. The camera stays on this random person for about 10 seconds. End of scene.
Archie= hello….
We have always thought Archie was a bit of a turd. But give him a mission and he is really kinda hot.
Zoe incarcerated
Life isn’t looking to rosey for the Chester 1. Locked away in a little cell, with only an apple and something vaguely porridgey for sustenance. At least there was Paul, the rather hot chaplain man, to offer her guidance. We give it a week before she beds him.
Funeral for a friend
Poor squished Sarah finally got her send off. The DILF wept. Amy returned (about time!), Ste provided the sausage rolls, Kris wore a fantastical beskirted number, Lydia went all Lady Macbeth, visioning the blood on her hands, and champion of justice Archie gatecrashed. Steph attempted to BTM the whole affair by reprising her god-awful penchant for singing at funerals (remember the Sugababes debacle when Max karked it?) but luckily everyone else joined in, sweetly. The end bit of Sarah dancing/in heaven was poignant. Aw.
Jeez. We thought Hollyoaks Later was dark but that was nothing compared to this week’s Hollyoaks proper, so paranoid and intense it was like being trapped in a Dostoyevsky novel.
There was the aftermath of Sarah’s death (how sweet was Elliot’s rememberings of Sarah’s Dr Who-themed wooing of him?), Jake’s shock return to the village and, of course, Newt’s descent into shrieking madness. Not quite what we had in mind for a relaxing Sunday morning viewing.
Heroes of the week
Jack: he may be a grumpy ex-publican with a criminal record and a dodgy ticker, but Jack was a ledge this week. Be it taking care of Charlie, counselling Lauren, defending Jake or running/diving to the rescue of Newt, he was a one-man fighting force on behalf of other people’s offspring.
Eli: it’s a sign of the times when an imaginary friend is the voice of reason, but the afro’d one really looked out for Newt. Admittedly it was he who came up with the idea of mugging the old lady (and let’s face it the old cow prob deserved it), but he was onto Rae immediately – and had the good sense to attempt to batter her to death with a lump of wood. Things wern’t looking too good for him by the end (he looked pretty dead under the water there) but knowing Eli he’ll be back soon. Loved his anguish at being likened to a gay Penfold too.
Kris: his hardman act a couple of weeks ago left us unconvinced, but this week he seemed more than capable of taking out Jake in protection of Nancy. Aww.
Archie: other than Kris, the one person who seemed to give a monkeys about Zoe’s wrongful imprisonment. And he shouted at Lydia. Hooray.
Villains of the week
Jake:being locked up in an asylum for a year or so doesn’t seem to have stopped Jake being all creepy and intense, or weirdly obsessed with baby Charlie. Smashed up Darren’s flat too, which we say is simply not on. As mentally unhinged, sexual deviants go we prefer John Stape.
Rae: a morbid, alter-emo with a death wish and way too much eye make up. Does it get any more sinister than that? A manifestation of Newt’s feelings of hopelessness and despair, Rae took the whole ‘imaginary friend’ thing to a whole new level by have a bit of sexy fun with Newt. Um. We could say something rude and inappropriate about this. But we wont. Anyhoo, a great alternative baddie, she was last seen swaying eerily under the water, a goth siren calling Newt to his death. We hope she comes back.
Loretta: she is like one of those crazy bints you read about in Chat magazine who end up marrying the Yorkshire Ripper in prison. You crazy pole dancer you!
Mike and Lydia: Boo hiss! Myra Hindley did a great line in mental, playing the grieving widow and babbling about she and Sarah adopting orphans, or something. Worse for poor old Zoe was the DILF declaring that she should ‘rot in hell’. After the tearful grief sex she gave him last week we think that is downright rude.What a betch. Also, like her two children and the attempted abduction of one of them by psychos, the untimely demise of her sister was also not good enough reason for Amy return to the village. Huh!
Quotes:
“Why were you going away with two lesbians in the first place?” Zoe’s mum asks a pertinent question.
“There he is!” Jack and Frankie react to seeing their runaway mentally ill adoptive child by screaming and running after him.
“Who hits a door?” another pertinent question, this time from Darren, on Jake’s flat mashing
“I’m hiding from the dark aswell, its scratching at the door trying to get in” Newt gets, like, deep as he explains his state of mind (or lack thereof) to Rae.
OMG moment
The entire end sequence, with Newt, Rae and Eli all lost under the water. Beautiful, haunting, unbearably tense (would Newt survive? Did he want to?), up there with Sarah’s death scene as the best thing Hollyoaks has done in ages.
So yeah. What a week. Cant wait to watch tonight’s X-Factor for some light-as-souffle, free of tragedy fun. Oh.
Whilst Sarah was having a pretty bad week over on Later, there wasn’t much in terms of OMGness going on in the Omnibus.
Ravi was weak and kittenish (nice scar), Anita underage drank and vommed over Leila, Newt is still missing, the Roy elders have buggered off to Middlesbrough,Tom was a little shit and kicked Gilly in his gillies, Mal and Mercy were as pikey as usual, Sasha looked glam and was later revealed to have shagged both Josh and bug eyed student twat Dave (keeping regrettable ONS a secret FAIL) and The Loft was finally reopened under the inept and screechy management of Calvin, Sasha, Spencer, Mercy and Malachy.
Ho hum. Nothing that interesting then. So at least Calvin is a better dancer than club manager. A better hot dancer than club manager. Yep. Kinda hot. So hot infact that we thought it might be nice to relive a bit of it.
With an poorly trained for Run to the Beat half marathon on sunday*, there was no better excuse to veg on the sofa and catch saturday’s E4 omnibus.
that was the freshers week that was
Every year HCC gets a new influx of students, accompanied by an array of jaunty Freshers Week type shenanigans to show us how, like, cool and fun they all are. This year is no exception, with fresher antics culminating in an X-factor-style voxpops booth and petty theft from the local area. That said, we feel this lot of students may take tad longer than usual to embed themselves in our affections (and this is saying something, considering how annoying Kris was when he first arrived on the scene…though let’s be honest, he still is)
Hayley: living proof that Hollyoaks doesn’t patronize those with disabilities, this chick shows that being in a wheelchair doesn’t stop you from being a shrill, spiteful beyatch
Dave: sadly, this refugee from Hollyoaks spin-off The Morning After the Night Before appears to be here to stay. This bug-eyed, infinitely slappable douchebag is the sort of smug, empty headed no-mark you’d spend the rest of your time at uni trying to erase from your life like but you NEVER CAN. Let’s hope he is culled off soon.
Josh: whilst we admire his cheekbones we cannot help thinking that mini Ashworth has become somewhat of a dickhead. Gone is the sweetheart who pined after Amy and masterminded the Baby Diegos. In his place is an annoying studentboy tosser (with hideous indie landfill hair), who canoodles with his (admittedly hateful) brother’s paraplegic girlfriend and is a whingey little shit to his parents. Sortitahhht.
Charlotte: we quite like her. We’ve said it before, but she seems like generally good egg.
India: the only real newbie had a proper nightmarish freshers week – shagged and dumped by super sleaze Archie (more on him in a min), her dreams of a fancy freshers ball replaced with a pikey free for all in the Dog and finally made to shit herself via some laxative food theft entrapment by Hayley. And then just when we were starting to like her she buggers off. We feel used, emotionally.
lock stock ish
The only other happening of note was a truly baffling, Lock Stock-style heist where Zack, Elliot, Archie and Kris got their hands on a stash of the late Warren Fox’s cash and were thusly terrorised by crimnal type by the name of Jed Paxman. Whilst not only totally clashing in tone with the diarrhea-and-bonding moments of the students (which we can live with – hey, its Hollyoaks, that’s how it rolls), the dramatic potential of this particular plotline was undermined by the following:
when Kris, Zack and Elliot went to Archie’s rescue they got THE BUS. that’s right, your friend is being tortured and you opt for public transport.
“DI’ Jed: eyes very close together like an angry mole, vaguely comedic southwest accent…not the most fearsome of bad guys
Archie squealing like a pig was just kind of funny
try as we might we just couldn’t accept Kris as a badass. Not in those heels
Nancy was present at the final face off. All tension instantly lost.
Still, in the end Kris threw the money off a bridge to symbolise how their friendship had been destroyed by lies (or something) and Elliot punched Archie in the face. It was emotional.
in other news
Following on from last week’s omgness, Newt and Eli have R-U-N-O-F-T; Gilly exhibits some truly gorgeous cheekbones. Swoon; Steph forgets Fernando’s birthday (betch!) and thus buys him some novelty underpants from Ann Summers. Luckily Gilly steps in with better present (see below); Darren wears a lovely floral shirt and string vest combo.
hollyoaks later incoming plot devices
Yep, some groundwork was laid for this week’s spin off (SO excited about this btw):
Gilly wins some Upward Bound adventure holiday tickets, which he then gives to Steph to give to Fernando; Theresa and Michaela are London-bound after catching some of evil Jed’s thrown away money; creepy, needy Lydia gets back into Sarah’s knickers via the age-old ‘my ex-girlfriend is stalking me and sending me dead flowers’ sob story (which we’ve all used at one point or another)
*did it in 2h21. now have hamstrings that feel like they are going to snap like badly played guitar strings. exercise is a mugs game!
Too much red wine and baileys on friday night meant that we were perhaps not in the right frame of mind for saturday’s E4 omnibus. Like, totally not in the right frame of mind. Cos EVERYTHING about the ‘Oaks f*cked us right off:
Anita discovering she is adopted: discovering you wern’t related to Ash and the peanut filled condom would be cause for celebration in our books, not interminable teenage angsting. GET OVER IT.
The Roy’s accents. Always been suspect but as they were in our faces so much they were hard to ignore: Parents super posh. 3/4 of the kids with Manchester accents, only for Ravi to have a rogue Sunderland-based accent. WTF??
Des the geordie teacher. Bit of a smug twat isn’t he?
Newt not taking his anti-mental pills. BEEN THERE. Unless this is heralding the return of Eli WE DO NOT CARE.
Newt, Lauren and Anita running away ‘cos, like, no one understands them. Meh. Familar? This did at least give us a rare glimpse of the mysterious Chester bus service (destination unknown)
Anyhoo, there were a few rays of sunshine:
Anita and Ricky’s deeply sweet moment of bonding over a white chocolate mouse
The Roy’s permanently smokey house. Why?!?! A manifestation of all of their murky secrets and unspoken resentments? Or is someone just shit at making toast?
Darren. Winding up everyone who crossed his path, from Jack (“He’s had that many wives”) to Nancy, who was reduced to beating him about head with a cushion in high pitched fury. Love him. So much.
Cheryl. In pursuit of uber buff Calvin (did you see his torso? Did you??). Her one liner on giving him a free smoothie – “Fruits of my forest…It’ll sort you right out” – was pure genius. As Leo is now pimping out his own son in order to get some rent money from Cheryl, this romance can only blossom. Yay.
Mad Bad Ash. Oh yes. The be-jowled one was on top form. Liar (about everything). Throttler (of Leila). Oversharer (of Anita’s parentage). Weird sexual tension (with Mrs Roy). Unmasked as a psycho (Leila telling the world about his mind fucking of Hannah). Poor employer (sacking Loretta from Tan’n'Tumble). Loiterer (hanging outside the Roy family home, spying into the kitchen). Disowned by the Roys because of the aforementioned, he tore up Relish, closed the Tan’n'Tumble and left the village amid a flurry of evils (from the likes of Rhys! pah!). Come back soon Ash, we will miss your inept evildoing.
Cup of tea. Toast. Hangover. Yes, it’s time for this week’s Hollyoaks omnibus!
After months and months and MONTHS of scheming, marital strife and spiked Kia-ora, Daniel and Abi’s nefarious plot to sell baby Lucas finally kicked into action. Hum. Was a bit rubbish, wasn’t it? They aren’t going to be usurping the Childcatcher any time soon are they?
Happily, after their plan was foiled by a crime-fighting superforce of Sarah, Zoe, the DILF and a returned Natty (one word: shameful), a rabid Daniel was carted off by the filth and Abi scampered off into the night. We think Abi will be back. She was sooo blatantly the evil brains behind the Kidz with Kidz child traffiking scam. Daniel was just a monobrowed patsy. Powered by her barren womb, Abi will stop at nothing to get what she wants – be it shagging drugged up ratboys or leaving her own hubby to take the fall. (Another) Evil blonde villainess? Yes please!
Anyhoo Ste’s Gary Jules-soundtracked reunion with his son was really rather moving, we do hope he will finally get some peace and quiet. He may be a ratboy but we think he’s been a bit of a hero of late (and a rather hot one). Aww.
One question from this whole debacle remains for us unanswered: where the f*ck is Leah?
In other news:
Gilly tries to woo Steph with some New Look shoes. But then throws them in the pond! Noo, that’s £20 wasted!; Steph and Fernando get the shags on; Darren has a rubbish birthday, awww. He is a Leo (*consults horoscopes to see if we are compatible*); Darren sports a fetching purple leopard print/leather tie combo; his missus Hannah looks very pretty as usual; Josh fails his A-levels and is thus reduced to attending HCC; Michaela and Zack pledge their devotion to each other in a bizarre ceremony on the shores of the pond, involving singing and H Samuel tat; Rhys is still a twat.
Film student moments
Trainspotting homage/rip off as a spiked Ste remembers happier times (or rather a montage of he and Amy’s ‘best bits’: living in the squat, underage romancing, hair mutilation etc) to the tuneage of Perfect day.
Crisscrossing skateboards are used to signify Ste’s EMOTIONAL CONFLICT as Natty reveals Daniel and Abi’s dark past.
Fantasy sequence as Gilly dresses as a prince in a bid to impress black widow Steph.
Quotes
“Hush little baby don’t say a word, daddy’s going to buy you a…something”, a harassed Ste fails basic lullaby literacy.
“Incest?” Darren’s apt response to Rhys’s demand for the ‘magic word’.
“We treat ‘em well and word gets out” Daniel explains his customer relationship strategy for tapping into the lucrative barren couples market.
“Aw, not them again…*tuts*” our omnibus companion Eimear’s reaction to yet more Abi/Daniel/Ste/Baby Lucas dramas.
After last week’s hangover debacle that left us projectile vomiting and unable to watch the ‘Oaks, it was a joy indeed to be out of bed, bright eyed and bushy tailed, to catch the action today on T4.
Not the most OMGing of weeks, but compelling nonetheless – mostly because the ‘Oakers seemed to be divided into those who had a good week and those who totally didn’t:
Bad week for:
Ravi
Diagnosed with an aneurysm in his noggin. Unlucky.
Darren
Ditched by Cindy, stood up by Theresa, constantly berated by Steph and generally a laughing stock for all. Still, sported a fetching line in leopard print shirts. Swoon.
Sleazy lecturer man
Covered in poo. Hurrah.
Caleb
Going on Colonel Kurtz ahead of his return to Afghanistan (Still no need to pick on Ravi though!)
Our eyes
Having to witness a post coitus Archie and Myra in the end bit. Nightmarish.
Good week for:
Cindy
Finally got her mitts on Tony’s Il Gnosh for some very unsanitary sex in the kitchen.
Zoe
Okay, she might be degree-less but she did look very pretty at the ball
Zack
Got a first. Bless!
Leila and Elliot
Pregnancy: nay declarations of love: yay
Newt
First Lauren, then Anita, our fave emo is now up to a spot of illicit romancing with Theresa. Not the most obvious stud but we can roll with it.
In other news:
Cellar poisoner plumbers missing – fairly nonsensical headline of the Chester Herald; random brand beer watch – Caleb enjoys a can of Weisbrau; HMS Bad Idea – Archie’s nautical analogy for Zoe’s plan to fess up to her parents; Mrs Fisher arrives in the village for Kris’ graduation
Hollyoaksistan
Best FSM in an age – Caleb describes a nightmare scenario of a war-torn village, complete with a nuked Drive’n'Buy and a dead Tony. Effective, gut wrenching stuff.
Daniel and Abi have always seemed a few eggs short of an ovary but their full on nutjobbiness was revealed this week as they (literally) spelled out their evil plot to sell baby Lucas! OMG! Wonder what the RRP is for babies these days? Anyways, The Plan might hit a snag the shape of (presumably barren) Abi, who has hand that rock the cradle-style designs on the poor bairn herself due to a previous dead baby called Michael. Ste is still blissfully unaware.
Btw…we know Daniel is supposed to be scary and intense, but he is way less threatening in Kidz with Kidz t shirt. Vile Niall wouldn’t have been caught dead in that.
Questionable recruitment strategy
Where exactly does HC recruit its lecturers? Sexual Predators R US? First there was sleazy lecturer man who seduced Sarah and countless others, and (worse still) was mean to poor Elliot. Now there is even sleazier lecturer man Adrian offering script-thieving (and soon to be leaving) Zoe the chance to save her degree in exchange for a shag! The fact that he is kind of hot is neither here nor there.
Vintage Darren
Our fave vest wearer was on top form this week. When he wasn’t being all suicidal anyway. Some examples:
His answerphone message: “Look, I don’t like you or I’m not around. Either way I’m not picking up”. Genius.
His superior knowledge of economics: “I know about supply and demand – I’ve read the book”. We googled this book and couldn’t find it. Sadly.
His magnificent red kimono.
Weird sexual tension
Between: Cindy and Tony (so wrong); Lydia and Mike; Lydia, Sarah and Lydia’s foxy ex Charlotte; Josh and Hayley.
Film student moments
After last week’s tour de force, it was back to basics this week: photo/locket/mirror thing as Sasha, Michaela and Sarah mooch over their respective loves (though Sarah did seem to be mooching over her own reflection mostly); kerazy chat show with Darren as host and Sarah as guest; random speeded upness.
In other news:
Archie and Zoe’s annoyingly chipper dad appears on the scene, thankfully briefly; Big A – Archie’s sign in name for downloadable porn; Archie wears some teeny tiny underpants; Sarah BTMs big time when Zoe’s film reveals that the DILF considered putting her up for adoption; Holly is revealed to have a suprisingly adult love for Tuscan food; Poker face – Cindy’s mopping song; Lydia is revealed to be something of a CD collection fascist and demands that Sarah bins her Pussycat Dolls collection. Betch!
One week on from Warren’s untimely demise, we checked out the E4 omnibus wondering what high drama it had in store for us this week…
Hoo hoo hoo hoooooo!
For a one time girl beating, hair vandalising psycho ratboy, wasn’t Ste a hero this week? Whether it was gamely camping it up as a half Ste/half goth narrator type person in a bizarre film student moment or being a decoy for Justin and bringing him cans of fizzy pop and bags of crisps, Ste was the man to turn to in a time of crisis. Aw. Plus – he and Justin are the most touching bromance we’ve seen in the ‘Oaks in a long time (rather reminded us of Calvin and Warren before all the twisted sexual tension and mind games. Simpler times)
The film student graduates
Oh yeah, we have to say that despite a couple of vintage FSMs (see above, and the Hannah and Justin splitscreen anyone? Kylie and Jason circa Especially for You/1989), our fave film student came of age this week . There was spooky monks singing when Sasha ID’d Warren’s squished body, there was what looked like spooky mist in almost everyone’s houses (a manifestation of Nancy’s Kris shagging guilt? A reference to John Carpenters The Fog? We may never know), there was spooky twilight when Justin and Russ made their escape. Add this to the poignant and rather beautiful sunset scene with Hannah and Justin in the graveyard and the aftermath of Justin’s departure (poor Hannah discovered by police in slo mo), and the ‘Oaks has never looked better. Bravo!
Exit, pursued by a bear
Well, not quite (though we suspect Jacqui could tear a new arsehole as well as the next grizzly) but the spring cull of sorts continued with Justin, Russ and baby Max’s exodus from the village in the aforementioned spooky twilight and Russ’s funky Gene Hunt-esque car. Last we heard of Russ was a supposed sighting on a ferry to Calais. Not sure we understand Justin’s reasons for abandoning Hannah, although as he told Ste she was “like Becca” we can only assume he scarpered before pregnancy, false imprisonment, a glittering career at the local fried chicken emporium and finally death by scally jailbird headed Hannah’s way.
I am Sasha fierce
Yerp, she may have been a simpering little mouse with Warren, but newly single ex-crack whore Sasha found her inner tigeress this week in not one but TWO brawls. In the first she kicked Justin’s ass with the strategically aimed pan to the head. The second, versus Claire, is tough to call as Calvin sadly intervened. We think Claire, being psychotic and looking like she’d pack a hefty punch, would have been victorious. Even so, we would so pay to see it. Maybe throw some baby oil over them too…
We heart Claire
A good baddie always comes back for one last scare, though we feel Claire’s obvious talents for torture and chaos were wasted on simply terrorising poor Spencer and slapping Sasha. Give her some decent weaponry and free run of the village and just imagine what she could have achieved…Anyhoo, sadly she fought the law (or rather Calvin) and the law won, as she was dragged kicking and screaming towards justice. Though as she didn’t technically kill Warren we are hoping she will make a speedy return to the streets of Chester. We all need a bit of psycho in our lives.
“HELLO?….I’M IN THE LOFT TORTURING WARREN….YEAH IT’S CRAP”
We have observed many a time how important mobile telephony is in the Hollyverse and this week was no exception, with a stray voicemail being used to bring Claire to justice. Justin, however, rebelled by throwing his mobile in a field. What a spoilsport.
In other news:
Rhys gets punched and locked in a cupboard. Yay; after last week’s random copper, we rejoiced to see Mark Gasgoyne return – wearing a rather fetching tie – to apprehend Claire. Ratfaced and weird haired but we think we would; with Russ half inching baby Max, Jacqui is left barren and childless. Again; Calvin yet again sabotages his marriage by failing to ‘fess up to leaving Warren to his mirrory death; we suddenly noticed the brothel/changing rooms decor of Nancy’s flat. Eesh!
