Before we go into 
what was a vintage week for Mr Ryder, we must first voice our UTTER DISMAY and DISGUST that he has been wrongly arrested for the murder of Calvin. This is clearly a travesty of justice and a symptom of Broken Britain. We shall be lobbying for the Home Secretary to intervene.
Prior to this, he tore a peroxided trail of terror through the village: threats of arson, stealing Anita (though sadly returning her), sending threatening texts, kicking open the Mcqueen front door like a europop ninja, shouting A LOT, suffering the indignity of his ass being kicked by Myra (for shame) and getting the truth of Calvin’s murder out of Theresa by simply screaming in her face.
His most heinous deed, however, was the wanton destruction of Queenie McQueen’s family heirlooms. Ceramic dog limbs littered the McQueen home like a Poundland slaughter house and only Buster, the favourite dog, survived the massacre. A scene we will take with us to our graves. Kyle Ryder, a top class villain.
in other news
After an initially off-piste strategy of kidnapping/sleep watching Steph, the magnificently bonkers Loretta switched to a truly excellent game plan of invoking sympathy via suspect tales of being nonced by a piano teacher and planting seeds of doubt about Jake’s – admittedly questionable – grip on reality. Cannot wait to see what she has up her sleeve next. Literally.
After a tenure that featured incest, anorexia, drink driving and frightening faces, we bid adios to the Ashworths. To be fair to Nev, calling time on the village when losing his missus to Darren proved too much to tolerate is understandable, but why Suzanne would opt for her barnacle faced hubby over a resplendently string vested Mr Osborne is a complete mystery. Women eh? PS we thought their initial threat to leave Josh behind was proper harsh, but not as harsh as their decision to take Duncan against his will. Luckily, like the world’s chubbiest homing pigeon he found his way back. TFFT.
There were two distinct outbreaks of weird behaviour in the village this week (well, weirder than usual):
passive aggressive snack punishments: Darren was denied a croissant by Suzanne, Mal refused to make Mercy a sandwich
inexplicably rapid forgiveness for fairly heinous acts: following his shock admission that he stitched Josh up by spiking his drink, Rhys was let off the hook with a hug from both Josh and Nev (we’re assuming that anything that doesnt involve him shagging an immediate relative is regarded as a win); after Spencer (who we’d forgotten was still in it, that’s how much we’ve missed him) let the cat out of the bag about his and Lauren’s (non existent) love child, Sasha was surprisingly quick to let her little sis off the hook – afterall, she whinged the ear off Calvin for about a month when she found out about his involvement in Warren’s death. Lauren should count herself lucky she got that blood clot on the brain.
Speaking of Lauren and her blood clotted brain, this put an end to the Valentine’s family trip to Benidorm but did result in a fairly spectacular awkward turtle moment at Calvin’s funeral where she hobbled around, hometruthing loudly and eventually knocked over the coffin. Great stuff.
other in other news
Darren sniffs around newly minted Cheryl; the word on the street is that Cheryl kissed a girl and she liked it; random brand watch: Josh enjoys a can of Mistral beer; pre blood clot/funeral dramas Leo tries to move his daughters’ grieving process on a step by providing a CD called Groovy Grieving (lead track: don’t worry be happy); Jack is caught fingering Cheryl’s knickers and making unintentional housework-related double entendres: “I was just looking for someone to put my plug” etc; Cheryl wants to buy The Dog, as does Jack. Cheryl isn’t skinted though; Cindy and Tony get the world’s quickest divorce
Theresa demonstrates the three expressions required to flog tat on the Antiques Roadshow:
The ‘I don’t care how much it costs’ look:
The ‘It can’t it really be worth that much but I still don’t care how much it costs’ look:
The ‘I though it were worth half a million and not 20p’ look:
Amazing.
quotes
“Me and Lauren are the only family you have left”, Leo scares the bejesus out of Sasha, forgetting his two remaining sons (Danny and Sonny anyone?)
