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a word or two from carla

March 13, 2010

Yaaright? The rest of this article will be written in the voice of Carla from Corrie. Because we love her.

So, the final two episodes of these week’s Hollyoaks presented us will all sorts of moral quandaries and ethical dilemmas:

save your baby brother from mental/spiritual collapse by fessing up to spiking his OJ?

yes, the latest Ashworth crisis rumbles on. But while Rhys did his worried/constipated face at the sight of Josh’s life imploding, his bro’s rather amusing random brand beer-fuelled camera-breaking rampages and hometruthing suddenly became less of an issue when India rocked up with a journalist, intent on making Rhys’ heroic rescue of her front page news. Which she did. Behold the horror of Rhys’ unpleasant leer on the front of the Chester Herald.

be happy for your friend’s new-found happiness with exotic toothy hottie, or instead try to steal him for yourself?

Just why exactly are we supposed to be rooting for Steph? Her mission to chisel Gilly away from Jem reeks of bad sportsmanship and besides – we like Jem, she is hot and she selflessly gave Tom the shark tooth/amazon tat given to her by Gilly. Despite her rival’s obvious credentials as a better human being, Steph continued to play the friend card in order to spend time with Gilly (smug cow alert: fluorescent clementine as she texts Having a great time with Gilly to Cheryl).

Happily, her holier than thou attitude was royally smacked down after she had a go at Jem for a (admittedly risky) cheer-up-Cindy-with-a-mothers-day-card-from-Tom strategy. Cue much Mancunian rage from Gilly and Steph’s new nose put thoroughly out of joint. YES!

spend £2k on your neglected children and babydaddy or blow it all on a slag holiday with your mates?

This actually wasn’t much of a dilemma for our Amy, the dosh sent to her by the DILF lavished on Sasha and Michaela almost as soon at it arrived. To be fair to the 2×2, it’s not so much a slag holiday (despite Michaela’s pleas for Shagaluf and the like) as a trip to Eurodisney with the kids in tow, complete with a pre-hol piss up on white wine and a cat-death awful/brilliant karaoke version of Kaiser Chief’s Ruby, but hats off to her for such a flagrant disregard for sensible thing such as ISAs, trust funds etc. Props to her also for being the only person to take pity on Josh, offering him a place to stay (much to Ste’s chagrin). You aren’t all bad Amy. Looking good too.

support your friend’s newly elected position as student warden, or thoroughly sabotage it?

HILARITY as Charlotte resolutely opts for the latter, making Dave’s first and last day as warden something of a nightmare via fake dead rates, klaxons and shit filled toilets.

in other news

Darren (swoon) wear’s a fetching white jacket, plus have you ever noticed how dashing he is in the opening sequence?; Cindy still goes for the slap-less/croydon facelift look; where the f*ck is Holly? Bored now!

quotes

“this story could go national!” trills posho journo trollop re Rhys’ rescue of India. Slow news week then?

“I am in awe of him” India on Rhys. One word. Can you guess what it is?

that’s all for now. ta ra.

*clacks off down the road in a slag heels for a G&T*

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stabby new year fun (minus cake)

January 4, 2010

Well, where do we start with the first Hollyoaks omnibus of the tenties?

blonde v blonde

We expected the Zoe/Lydia she knows that she knows that she knows plot to rumble on for ages, but instead we were treated to a new year’s eve showdown. This was of course after a toe curling scene where Zoe used her womanly wiles to try and honey trap Lydia. Yep. That’s right. There is officially now no situation when Zoe will not use her womanly wiles.

Anyhoo, with Zoe dressed a la Madonna/Material Girl and Lydia, well, being her usual spooky self, things got a little bit stabby down at Sarah’s grave, Zoe getting a punctured stomach and bowel for her troubles. Ouch!

And now, sadly, Lydia is all banged up (though somehow had time to doll herself up a la Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner) – boo hoo. Watching her all caged and mental is fun though, we are hoping she denies her suicidal urges and becomes a Hannibal Lecter-style uber villain, causing all sorts of mayhem from behind bars. In the mean time – her mum and interestingly named sister Persephone are nearby. Will we get to meet them? We hope so!

more familiar grimness

The Hannah-rexia storyline (thanks to @Sugafairey for that one!) continued down the usual “I don’t need to be in hospital” “Yes you do”, “I’m not anorexic” “Yes you are” conversations for what felt like hours, though at least this time our beloved Darren was involved and there was narky anorexia doctor Diane to shout at everyone. Hannah, just have some cake. Go on. Just a little bit.

2010 resolutions

Cheryl: treat body like temple, no carbs after 9pm, win X Factor

Lydia: be dead by 2011

in other news

more steph-gilly-fernando-cheryl yawnsomeness (ignore what we said about Newt and Rae – THIS is the world’s least interesting love story. BORED NOW); The Dog runs out of booze on NYE so gives away free biergrad; Amy takes back her kids (about bloody time); Cheryl is attacked by some hair straighteners; eat sushi off Michael Flatley, get it on with Simon Cowell – Cheryl’s to do list before she settles down; we learn Myra was preggo with her third kid when she was 18; Cath, Theresa’s skank jailbird mum is in town to ponce a grand of her unsuspecting daughter’s trust fund – we know we shouldn’t, but we kinda like her. She’s fun.

quotes

“That’s really…weird” Charlotte on the Lydia and Zoe living together situ. You’re not wrong pet.

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“I’m not picking up my own poo!”

July 5, 2009

Yep, hello and welcome to this week’s omnibus.

Carry on camping

The above poo outrage was of course part of the jailbait camping plot, where Newt, Theresa, Lauren, Anita and some random simpleton called Ricky headed off into Chester woods for some underage fun. Muchos teenage angst ensued, with Lauren discovering Newt and Theresa’s unlikely romance. Luckily for her though, there was more than one emo in the woods, with Wade, a creepy emo stalker type with a truly slappable face, on hand to offer quasi-philosophical* observations on love and, more importantly, some rebound smooches. Go-on Lauren, rhey! (*in burly builder style voice*). Newt was not a happy bunny.

Dancing Newt

Speaking of whom, when he wasn’t being a bit of a cad and pinballing between Lauren and Theresa, young Barry was indulging in the randomest, most surreal yet somehow amazing moment in Hollyoaks for a long time – an Arcade Fire soundtracked freestyle dance-off with Steph’s dance class. So good we had to watch it twice! (and if you missed it you can catch it on 4oD – its about 13 mins in).

Hannah-rama

Our fave anorexic had something of a meltdown this week, drinking too much, throwing sandwiches and many a strop, crushing crisps and wine into ex-boyfriends faces, coming on to family friends, telling a few home truths (see below) and then running off with random obnoxious indie band troll Stav- to Denmark! All whilst looking glam and alien hair-doed. Hannah – we salute you!

Know your limits!

There was a Darth Sidious-like presence in the village this week – and that be ALCOHOL. Yes, the Rock the SU Bar degenerated into a 3 day bender involving vomiting, cat fights and some very dodgy dancing – and all because those naughty students were BINGE DRINKING. Tut tut. Happily, the latest ‘Oaks spin-off (The morning after the night before – premiering tomorrow online whoop whoop), starring Josh, Sasha, Gilly and sleazy newbie Dave raving it up in Manchestuuh and in partnership with the Home Office/Know your limits campaign, will no doubt show them the error of their ways and promote the virtues of sobriety. We can only hope.

Match.com

How easy it seems to be to hook up in Hollyoaks. Whether you are camping in some random woods or popping into the Drive’n'buy there will no doubt be a creepy emo stalker type or random obnoxious indie band troll to pull.

A plea

Will everyone in the world stop being so horrible to Darren!? Steph and Jack – we mean YOU! Imagine, if you can, a world without his leopard print shirts and leather pants. WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE IN SUCH A WORLD? No. And neither would we. So start showing the love.

Funeral for a (not quite) friend

Yeees, twas time to put Warren to rest. Unsurprisingly it had rather low attendance, his own sister Katy refusing to show up (betch). Still, there was the obligatory McQueen punch up and Sasha and Spencer’s goodbyes were actually rather moving. Not a bad send off for the whisperer if we do say so ourselves.

In other news:

Forgot to mention it last week but Gilly looks rather cute with short hair; Strive for individuality. Create a fad – pretentious t-shirt slogans courtesy of Wade; deformed barbie doll crossed with Chantelle – Ricky’s fairly accurate description of Theresa; random brand beer watch: Nancy retrieves an empty can of Biegrad from the sink; Rhys and Hayley finally get together; Malachy has man flu and/or HIV symptoms; Cheryl, the screeching Irish slapper from Hollyoaks Later and Zack’s ONS, arrives in the village and promptly causes mayhem – including a rendition of Riverdance. Cos, you know, that’s what Irish people do.

Quotes:

Hannah’s diatribe re. her friends’ love lives in full:

To Sarah: “You’re in and out of bed with every man, woman, whatever”

To Zoe:  “Your best mate and men twice your age”

To Nancy: “Baby stealing psychos and bisexuals”

Ne’er a truer word said.

“Why would you go commando in leather pants? Are you some kind of perv?” random obnoxious indie band troll Stav to Darren.

*quasi-philosophical as in shit

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it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

June 28, 2009

After last week’s hangover debacle that left us projectile vomiting and unable to watch the ‘Oaks, it was a joy indeed to be out of bed, bright eyed and bushy tailed, to catch the action today on T4.

Not the most OMGing of weeks, but compelling nonetheless – mostly because the ‘Oakers seemed to be divided into those who had a good week and those who totally didn’t:

Bad week for:

Ravi

Diagnosed with an aneurysm in his noggin. Unlucky.

Darren

Ditched by Cindy, stood up by Theresa, constantly berated by Steph and generally a laughing stock for all. Still, sported a fetching line in leopard print shirts. Swoon.

Sleazy lecturer man

Covered in poo. Hurrah.

Caleb

Going on Colonel Kurtz ahead of his return to Afghanistan (Still no need to pick on Ravi though!)

Our eyes

Having to witness a post coitus Archie and Myra in the end bit. Nightmarish.

Good week for:

Cindy

Finally got her mitts on Tony’s Il Gnosh for some very unsanitary sex in the kitchen.

Zoe

Okay, she might be degree-less but she did look very pretty at the ball

Zack

Got a first. Bless!

Leila and Elliot

Pregnancy: nay declarations of love: yay

Newt

First Lauren, then Anita, our fave emo is now up to a spot of illicit romancing with Theresa. Not the most obvious stud but we can roll with it.

In other news:

Cellar poisoner plumbers missing – fairly nonsensical headline of the Chester Herald; random brand beer watch – Caleb enjoys a can of Weisbrau; HMS Bad Idea – Archie’s nautical analogy for Zoe’s plan to fess up to her parents; Mrs Fisher arrives in the village for Kris’ graduation

Hollyoaksistan

Best FSM in an age – Caleb describes a nightmare scenario of a war-torn village, complete with a nuked Drive’n'Buy and a dead Tony. Effective, gut wrenching stuff.

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“Earlier…”

May 26, 2009

Oooh, the ‘Oaks has let the film student go wild this week – all told in flashback, with mournful cello soundtrack – as first two episodes see the past come back to bite a certain Mr Warren Fox on his close talking ass.

Oh yes, someone is messing with his increasingly unhinged brain, resulting in his by now almost complete transformation into Jack Torrance.

You know it.

Whodunnit?

So Warren is being terrorised by a rogue fly posterer, graffiti artist and wreath maker (loved the grumpy photo used for this). Who could be the culprit? Most of the village really, since he has never been the most cuddly of characters (see below for his latest heinous deeds), however here are our thoughts on the chief suspects:

Calvin: the intent would be there but the skill of application definitely lacking (see his last attempt to stitch up Wozzer). Still far too much sexual tension between them aswell.

Louise: we never definitively found out what happened to our fave wine guzzling harpie so this could be heralding her return. She has the most motive and the melodramatic wreaths etc would be vintage Ms Summers.

Ash: to get his hands on The Loft? Unlikely, shifty as he is his torture subjects of choice are recovering anorexics.

Random factors: Jake – escaped from Chester madhouse and looking for revenge? A sustained campaign of harrassment isn’t really his style. Frankie however…; the ghost of Sean Kennedy – out of everyone he has the biggest bone to pick with the whisperer, having been killed by him, and the ‘Oaks hasn’t had a supernatural character since the demise of Eli…; Mandy – yet another women wronged by Warren…but it’s all a big proactive for her. Which brings us onto Claire – we’ve been calling for her return for yonks and she and Warren defo had unfinished business. Spoilers and speculation online makes her fave

Us = can’t wait!

Boo! Hiss!

Warren’s list of crimes so far this week:

  • Smashing up Il Gnosh and scaring away the customers
  • Punching poor Spencer in the chops
  • Man handling Hannah
  • Totally not seeing the funny side about his wreath
  • Shouting at Sasha (though to be fair she deserves it)

In other news:

The Ashworths and Ash continue their campaign to drive Hannah insane. It seems to be working; Justin makes Hannah a mix CD. Aww!; Caleb, Zack and Hayley’s paratrooper/magician bro, arrived in the village – much scouse bonding and comedy ensued; Caleb does the pepsi challenge with the SU’s finest random brand beers- in addition to weisbrau and biergrad he identified gulping goose and five fat pandas. mmm!

Quotes

“Get me your most expensive bottle of champagne”, Warren pushes the boat out. In Il Gnosh.

“Urgh!” Zack’s response to the mental image of Myra doing her bikini line

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hollyoaks later 2008 episode 1

November 25, 2008

More excited than Darren let loose in a vest shop when the sales are on, we tune in for …Later, surely to be the greatest thing to ever happen to television?

New, foxy opening sequence

…featuring the Oaksers we can look forward to starring in it, plus some randoms (who dat old woman?) – and was that a hot Elliot we just spotted???!

There seems to be some distinct plot strands:

1. The Dirty Diegos hit the bigtime

A suddenly foul mouthed Josh (see the naughtiness counter below) discovers the Dirty Diegos have made into Battle of the Bands in Liverpool. He invokes the unholy triumbrate that is Amy, Sasha and a suddenly untraumatised Michaela. Much comedy ensues.

2. Girlie holiday, Carry On-style

Sarah, Nancy and Zoe take a mini break, complete with a continuity-friendly harking back to how Zoe was a ‘fat badger’ (in Sarah’s words), a catfight between Sarah and Zoe (our money’s on the fat lass) and an altercation with some random working class chavs. Much comedy ensues.

In other news: Zoe’s obvious dad complex is spotlighted when we discover that the DILF isn’t her first older gent – she shagged her paedogeddon teacher when she was an underage fattie. Slut!

3. The Deans get lost in Scottish cliches

Steph, Craig and Tom head to Scotland, complete with mountains, lochs, Monarch of the Glen-style music and local naturist nutter Peaty Pete. Much comedy ensues.

In other news: John Paul is still in Dublin, drowning his post battle of st eustace sorrows in his usual BTM way; Bambi is looking HOT!!!

4. The adventures of team hiv in Irish cliches

Kris and Malachy are in Belfast for their dad’s funeral, complete with Irish dancing, Irish ex-girlfriends and other things IRISH. Much comedy ensues.

In other news: random old bird in the opening sequence is revealed to be their mum, who sports a worrying There’s Something About Mary-style quiff, Kris outs himself, dolled up like Kylie; Malachy has booked the registry office for Friday for his potential marriage to the hivpit; is that an Irish random brand beer we spotted?!

7. Meanwhile, back in Chester…

Mercy gets all rose-tinted about her time with Malachy, complete with slo-mo black and white flashbacks. Hum. Perhaps that should have included a microscopic view of her blood cells under attack from the hiv, like the Jazz cell in the Voodoo Scat episode of the Mighty Boosh? Anyway, not much comedy ensues – infact she indulges in some icky toilet cubicle sex with a random (see below).

Happily, she dusts herself off (or at least has a shower, we hope) and is heading to Belfast to see her hiv enabler sweetheart, accompanied – for nebulous reasons – by Zack and Elliot. We are quite sure comedy will ensue.

8. A very special guest star…

Obviously, it wasn’t much of a surprise since it was shouted about so much in the trailer, but how our little hearts leapt at the sight of the Vile One creeping evilly around Steph’s old flat! Discovering her whereabouts via the magic of the interweb and then, through his sheer evillness, transporting himself to the Scottish highlands, we are hoping this all-new rugged and downright shaggable Niall is going raise some hell! Mwahhh ha haaa!

Later naughtiness

It is a law of the Hollyoaks’ spinoff that characters suddenly start using swearwords and flashing the odd bumcheek or boob. Here is tonight’s offerings blow by blow, so to speak:

09 minutes: Kris gives Malachy the finger

11 minutes: Josh says ’shite’

12 minutes: Josh says ‘fan-fucking-tastic’

20 minutes: Malachy says ‘bullshit’

23 minutes: Irish ex girlfriend Cheryl says ‘hot sack of shit’

24 minutes: Josh says ‘you’re an ex crack whore’ about Sasha (truthfully, to be fair)

26 minutes: random chav at Zoe’s old school heckles  ‘get your tits out’

28 minutes: the nekkid arse from the trailer indentified as Peaty Pete’s.

40 minutes: Mercy uses unsubtle euphemisms to pull random punter in the Dog – ’something with a good head..’ etc

41 minutes: sex scene – Mercy in the loos with said random punter. Ick. You naughty hiv-stained sexaholic you.

46 minutes: Steph says ‘bollocks’

61 minutes: random working class chavs give the girls the finger. And deservedly so.

62 minutes: Malachy says ’shit’

So, one episode in and we are loving it.

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hot stuff on a cold morning

November 23, 2008

Twas a cold and snowy morning in London as WLH snuggled up on the sofa for this week’s T4 omnibus. Having had to endure the torture of missing last week’s omnibus we were apprehensive at having missed out on a weeks’ worth of events. Would we understand what was going on? Or would we be confused, bewildered and slightly terrified, like a child watching a David Lynch film?

Happily, the hollyverse doesn’t work that way. The only thing that slightly baffled us was why Dom is suddenly living in Nev’s council estate slum with Ste and Justin?

The hotness

There was a lot of tasty crumpet floating around the village this week – first and foremost being Ravi. Being ‘greedy’ certainly suits him cos he is looking gooooood! Other fitties of note: a boob-flashing Hannah, a Dita Von Teese-alike Sarah, an unusually sober and thus very pretty Louise and a bikini-clad Leila quite literally stopping Justin in his tubby tracks. Foxy mamas!

CSI: Chester

This week we were treated to a behind the scenes look at Chester’s law enforcement, lead gallantly by ratfaced pervert Mark Gasgoyne. As he unveiled the latest plan to raid the Loft (much to Calvin’s horror), two burly, armed officers – inexplicably wearing balaclavas even though they were still in the station – nodded in approval. F*ck yeah!

Husband of the year

Calvin continued his campaign to destroy his marriage by accusing poor Carmel of adultery, getting on his high horse when she confessed to buying the mystery condoms for Lauren (a bit rich, considering he is a drug enabler!) then abandoning her to the creepy care of Mark Gasgoyne. If he wasn’t quite so buff we would be baying for his blood!

Warren and Calvin sitting in a tree…

When he wasn’t being an utter tw*t to his wife, Calvin was indulging in some tender moments with the close talker. Longing looks over bottles of weisbrau, secret phone calls to give him the heads up about Chester PD’s latest raid, declarations of their trust for one another…we suspect their bliss might be short lived, given the OMG moment below…

Heeeere’s Johnny…

Whilst we’re on the subject of Warren, is he or is he not looking increasingly like Jack Nicholson in The Shining? There’s something about that manic, toothy leer…Anyway, the whisperer was on top form this week, managing to get the shags in with both Louise and Mandy – in the same hour it seemed. How does he do it?! Do the pies not weigh him down?

Even better, he embarked on the most audacious act of criminalism we have seen in a long time, giving Mark Gacgoyne the beats with a lump of wood in a park. IN BROAD DAYLIGHT! AND NOT EVEN IN DISGUISE!! Hip hip hooray!!

The Roys have landed

First there was Ravi, then Leila, then scary Mr Roy. Now the newest ‘Oaks family have swept in to suddenly become one of the most influential families in the village – from headmastery (Mr Roy), to Evissa (Mrs Roy), ownership of Relish burger bar (Ash) and school pupilage (Anita). A new power is rising. Bring on the family trauma.

Random brand beer watch:

Other than Warren and Calvin flirting over some bottles of weisbrau, Ste, Justin and Dom enjoyed many a can of biergrad in the council estate slum.

Quotes:

“Have you ever bought sanitary towels?” Zack questions Gilly about the intimacies of relationships.

Film student moments:

Crazy 50s musical starring Calvin and Carmel, the Justin-Leila-Gilly triangle and Warren and a somewhat aggressive Louise.

Justin and Leila’s Bollywood wedding.

Gilly’s ironic flashback when Leila asks if there were happy times at the Ashworth’s house, featuring Hannah anorexified, dodgy uncle Noel and Rhys getting decked in the incest fest.

OMG moment:

NIGE LIVES!!!!!!! It’s all been part of Warren’s masterplan to get Calvin under his thrall. Genius. More importantly, our fave drug enabler is back and order has been restored to the hollyverse. Finally.

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in other news…

October 19, 2008

Besides the somewhat anticlimactic happenings over at St Eustaces church, there were a few other things of note this week:

The boy who cried Eli

Newt’s pracarious psychological state came back to bite him on the ass when Lauren failed to believe he had seen Jack alive and Jacqui bundled into the back of van by Vile Niall, and promptly called the local asylum. In a display of breathtaking betrayal, Frankie didn’t verify the little emo’s claims and watched as Newt willingly let them cart him away. Shame on you Frankie! Though chester asylum probably offers a saner home than the Dog, we hope Newt invokes Eli and they raise some vengeful emo hell!

Road to hell?

Has anyone ever witnessed someone actually getting on or off a bus at the village’s bus stop? Residents tend mooch around it quite a lot, but it doesn’t seem to be a working branch of Chester’s public transport. Our theory? It is actually an interdimensional portal between this world and the next. Like an event horizon or a hellgate, occasionally spewing forth all manner of demons and hellbeasts. Would explain Darren’s shirts anyway.

Speaking of whom…

Darren sports a fetching yellow, non-mesh, vest.

Random brand watch

In addition to random brand beer, there are other random brand products at large in the Hollyverse. Today we spotted Brightling, a random brand washing powder used in Tan & Tumble, Jacqui’s launderette/tanning shop.

Low battery dramas

We know the ‘Oaks loves to use mobiles as a dramatic device and this week was no exception – Vile Niall using texts to his advantage in his McQueen thievery, the imprisoned McQueens then using one to give a clue as to their whereabouts and Darren using his to pretend to call the police. The big theme however was that of battery failure. You know how it is, you are trying to text your foster mother to say that you can’t go to Spain because you are going on the run to Cornwall with your emo bezzy mate and then DAMMIT – low battery! Then you see a member of the local chavvy family being bundled into a van by a hairdresser whom your imaginary friend wanted to kick in a few months back, but you cannot tell the police because the battery has now died! We have all been there.

Oops…

After trying to play happy families, Russ finally admitted he found Tina as dull as ditchwater, an outburst that she unfortunately overheard and caused her to flee. Given that she soon after met her squishy end under a lump of masonry, Russ may live to regret such harshness – and not for the first time! You may remember his former girlf Sophie perished during the last annual cull while he was getting the shags on with Mercy. He got a way with the ladies…

Quotes:

“There’s a backlog” Darren tries to hide the fact that he hasn’t summoned the police to the St Eustaces incident by blaming the lack of response on poor admin.

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the sort of calm before the storm

October 17, 2008

Ah the wonders of technology. Those clever clogs at Channel 4 have only gone and put every episode of the Oaks on the interweb!  So, ahead of tomorrow’s viewage of the Vile Niall flavoured omnibus (we feel an annual cull is on the way), WLH was able to catch up on last week’s events online. Awesome.

Niall gets vile

It started off so well. One minute VN was sweetness and light, bonding with Tom and being smoochie with Steph. One mislaid folder of evil later and he had been dumped, fired and involved in a close talking face-off with Warren! Seeking Myra for comfort, instead his rage was even further fuelled when she revealed she had given up her search for her long lost son. Storming out, Niall was nowhere to be seen until the very end (see OMG moment below). Looks like the evil agenda is back – the omnibus tomorrow is going to kick ass! (and may we just say how very fit the vile one looked when he got out of the shower? We so would!)

Don’t call me surely

After hiding out in a basement with Eli, runaway Newt was coaxed back to the Dog by Darren. After lying to the rather attractive and well spoken police officer called in by Frankie when he went missing, Newt apparently took his anti-Eli pills. Which can only be a good thing, since Eli was up for hatching murderous Jack-focused plans. So the pills will have put an end to that, surely?

Team hiv: minus one member

Kris learned that he is officially hiv-free, leaving only Malachy and typhoid Mary as the only participants in hivfest ‘08. Malachy tried once again to explain to Mercy his reasoning behind pumping her full of poisoned seed. Still not the most convincing argument!

I got 99 problems…

Whispery voiced Warren had a trying week. The police are sniffing around in search of Nige. Co-Nige-murderer Calvin is a gibbering wreck. Wife to be Louise is increasingly schizo, sober and contrite one minute, a wine fuelled harpy the next. Luckily for him Mandy was on hand to provide some illicit solace. Naughty naughty!

Louise alchohol counter

She briefly flirted with the alien concept of teetotalism, but happily that didn’t last long:

Red wine: bottle x 2 = 18 units

White wine: large glass x 1 = 3 units

Hardcore.

Random brand beer watch

Warren enjoys a bottle of biergrad in the Loft.

In other news

Steph and Tom hit the high road.

Michaela confesses her love to the DILF and gets the knock back!

Lauren’s ‘fro goes totally wild

Gilly opens Relish burger bar, which has suddenly and quite inexplicably appeared in the middle of the village.

Calvin leaves poor Carmel to go off and wallow in Nige guilt.

Quotes

“You never answered my text”, Warren feels neglected by Calvin. He’s just not that into you!

Film student moments

Comic book mania: Lizard Boy starring Newt and Eli; weird pirate superhero Captain Clements starring Vile Niall and a latex-clad bionic Barnsey for Michaela’s viewing pleasure.

Eli disappears in the blink of an eye. So cool!

An omnipotent Vile Niall observes Mandy/Louise/Warren triangle, Michaela mooching over the DILF etc, speaking ominously straight the camera. It was like he was speaking directly to us!

The McQueen rubix cube. Sure to be on everyone’s xmas list.

OMG moments

Vile Niall steals Mercedes!!!

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random brand beer watch

September 28, 2008

After identifying the random brand beer used to poison poor Father Kieron, we spotted some other random brands in today’s omnibus. So on top of Physenbrau, there is:   

biergrad – imported

weisbrau

The random brand beers are revealing themselves to have many uses, whether it is for poisoning priests, or annoying fake girlfriends so they dump you. Clearly it is only a matter of time before they are available on all supermarket shelves across the land.

Post any more random brands here!

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