Posts Tagged ‘kris’

« Older Entries

departures, arrivals and lots of standing moodily

August 11, 2010

So a bit late in the day as we’ve been a bit distracted this week* – here’s the exciting happenings from last week’s Hollyoaks. Trust us, it was dead good:

standing moodily fest 2010

For a few weeks now the village archway has been the location of choice for any Hollyoaks character who wishes to stand and stare moodily into the middle distance. This week however was a veritable all you can eat buffet of standing moodily excellence:

Classic standing moodily: on the pointless jetty outside The Dog:
Classic standing moodily stance

Standing moodily with this season’s twist: the archway…

Standing moodily in the archway

A rare demonstration of the tricky two-man standing moodily technique:
A demonstration of the tricky two-man standing moodily stance

Arty standing moodily:

Arty standing moodily

collar carnage

auf wiedersehen pet

And so the inevitable happened. After Michaela let the racist cat out of the racist bag, Des’s reign of phonetically challenged  terror came to an end. He started the week so upbeat. Rerse returned to give him an H Samuel tat engagement ring with which to propose to Jacqui (and promptly left to return to her day job, which was apparently walking around the village all day dressed in leatherette – btw, we tried explaining to Mr WLH that Rerse was infact Des’ sister, not mum. Cue look of total bewilderment.). He was “deein a compyootah course” to help his career. Then it all went tits up. His secret was out. He had altercations with Zack resulting in much man handling of shirt collars (right). Jacqui turned down his offer of marriage and decked him. He was outed as a racist. He and Rerse were carted off by Chester PD. Justice prevailed and we felt a teensy bit sorry for him. Bit of a rubbish villain wasn’t he? And he didn’t even get his ring back.

one quim to rule them all

Now Mercy might be the all-conquering vag of the village but this week we were reminded that there is someone who’s crotchular gravitational pull is even stronger that hers – and that be muchly missed part time lesbian, amateur pornographer and dad shagger Zoe. Geography cannot lessen her powers. Despite being miles away (apparently back from jaunting around Europe and now residing in London, presumably with the DILF), she managed to lure away Kris, Zack and Jake (as suspected last week: now culled) under the pretence of organising some toff’s party. Yah right. She wants just all the men. All of them.

another effing Costello

Carl Costello is clearly a fertile man. Supplementing the apparently endless list of children he has sired was Jasmine, the other twin half of plank Seth. Angry and lantern jawed, it quickly became apparent that tomboy Jasmine has attitude with just about everyone – not least controlling patriarch Carl and faithless sister Jem, about whom Mr WLH observed sagely: “She’s got something to repair there hasn’t she?”. Wise words, wise words.

another effing McQueen

Now, we are quite sure that what the world has been waiting for is another McQueen. Let’s face it, there aren’t enough of them are there? So it was with 90% ironic joy and 10% pure FFSness that we welcomed Bart Mcqueen into our lives. The scally midget son of cousin Victor McQueen, Bart has now moved into the McQueen’s TARDIS-like house and, like any self respecting McQueen, is embarking on a career of petty crime. Hashtagusfail.

another effing shifty Irishman

It is a law of the Hollyverse that as one Irishman leaves another must arrive, and thus as Kris left we welcomed Brendan, Cheryl’s thieving, moustachioed scoundrel of a bro. We rather like him (we give it a week before he shags Mercy) and we can’t help thinking we’ve seen him somewhere before…

michael biehn in The Abyss

moustachioed

Brendan

michael biehn in the abyss

in other news

Cheryl leaves a bottle of milk in Nancy’s bathroom and later waves her bunions in Kris’ face. LOVE HER; Cheryl and Mercy have screeching row outside The Dog. This should happen in each and every episode; Steph’s cancer is back, which results in her meeting a mournful cancer patient/video stalker called Louie. Who is blatantly a ghost. Yes, really; Lauren decides to head to sunny Spain with the cougar; after sitting on the stairs ‘thinking’ (oh really?), Spencer decides to sell Warren’s property portfolio of  The Loft, Evissa and the flat; controlling patriarch Carl Costello denies Riley a bag of crisps; ALFONSE is sending Heidi some designs. Surely his arrival must be imminent; unsuprisingly, Hayley has given birth to a truly freaky looking baby; courtesy of Brendan, Cheryl is now buying the Loft with a shady gangster type called Danny Huston; Malachy proves he is rubbish a seducer of women as he is a husband/labourer/human being by getting tied up and robbed by smooth talking hottie Veronica.

quotes

“Well well, if it isn’t Mr Escariot” Rerse gets biblical on Zak’s ass

“Has no one ever told you that its rude spy?” selfawareness fail from Steph’s video stalker/ghost Louie

Michaela: “I’ve been looking everywhere for you”

Jacqui: “Where?”

Michaela: “Here. Your bedroom.”

Chester Herald investigative journalism. Right there.

Jake: “Do you not want me round anymore?”

Steph: “Course I do!” translated: Er, no, psycho boy

*mr WLH asked us to be mrs WLH. yay.

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

“she’s doing my tits in”

June 9, 2010

Thus was Mr WLH’s verdict on Theresa as she moped through this week’s Hollyoaks. But who can blame her? Knocked up with a dead copper’s spawn, harassed by Jacqui to get rid, simpered over by phantom pregged (obvs) Carmel, given evils by every random baby in the village, no wonder she has a face longer than Mercy’s prescription history for STD relief.

That said, she managed to perk up enough to get all holier than thou with Lauren when she fessed up to not being pregnant with Spencer’s love child. That’s right, holier than thou with Lauren, one time BFF and sister of the man she just killed #mcqueenselfawarenessfail

“curse my arse”

Yes, more opinions from Mr WLH, this time on the magnificently underwhelming Rae-is-cursed storyline. We rather liked the chav princess when she was all eye liner and snarling at Newt. Now, it’s all lockets filled with protection spells and climbing on fecking walls – can we die the early death please?

daz n dunc

Another busy week for Darren – our one stop shop for adolescent angst solving and general SWOONimity. Not only did he give Ricky a makeover (see our f-f-fashion supplement below), he also became unwilling landlord to slappable teenage lovebirds Newt and Rae, who repaid his kindness by thieving his one remaining can of random brand beer and setting fire to his flat.

It wasn’t all happy times though, Darren was spotted sat on his own eating a bag of chips and was later given a less than warm reception at The Dog by his grudge holding bastard of a dad Jack. Awww, sadface.

Our fave embryonic sex offender Duncan had a slightly better week, being caught masterbating in the shower by the MILF and later getting a nuzzle in her ample bosoms. Though the kerfuffle with Ricky’s dad upset him a little bit, this did give us a chance to see his serious, emotive side which made him resemble a three year old concentrating on passing a particularly large poo.

f-f-fashion

In our occasional feature we look at the sartorial shithotness often displayed by our Hollyoaks heroes:

Frankie spends the week dressed as an 80s whore, at one point with earrings resembling ornate toilet chain handles; Darren’s makeover for Ricky= leopard print shirt chain and alligator print leather pants; Jacqui sports a spectacularly tassled bag; Nancy continues to dress as a 50s hottie; Newt dares to accuse Darren’s beautiful silk kimono of being fake and then has the audacity to shag Rae in it later. Bastard.

random brand watch

Anita stalks her birth mum via random brand search engine Swoosh

in other news

Kris pussies out of enabling Ricky’s miserablist Dad to do us all a favour and rid the world of his miserablist face; Duncan inexplicably manages to talk India into going on a child protection register-friendly date with Ricky; Summer pops gets the go ahead – more nonsensical news from the Chester Herald; Anita is rejected by her gigantic toothed Emmerdale mum; following her altercation with Darren last week, the MILF continues to flirt with him. Ho: E4 first look still has Calvin in the opening sequence, haunting us with his abs

quotes

“Fake? Everything about me is real” *administers hair straighteners*. Classic Darren.

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

behold the glory that is Hollyoaks

June 7, 2010

We have to admit that the post-who shot Calvin episodes left us feeling a bit underwhelmed, but that is all forgiven because last week’s Hollyoaks was FUCKING AWESOME.

yet another crazy bint!

There must be some special ingredient in Jake’s demon seed. Fresh from driving cold eyed caravan dweller Caroline murderously bonkers with his McLovin, it is now pudding faced Loretta’s turn to do a Glenn Close. Now we’ve never been a massive fan of the flighty poledancer, but this inexplicable personality change (up there with Des’s recent transformation into an evil racist Geordie for WTFness) is finally a Loretta we can roll with. Her crazed agenda includes:

  • Mobile phone theft
  • Stalking hapless estate agents
  • Sleep watching
  • Assaulting lesbians
  • Cussing Jake’s hair and general appearance (which, in all honesty, is a legitimate gripe)

Way more fun than the original Loretta. More of her please.

Darren: legend

He really is, and his t-shirt testified to this. It was vintage Mr Osborne this week. Having been mentor to both Newt and Duncan in recent times, he now offered sage advice to Josh on surviving life in jail including strategies for playing snap with hardcases and a crash course in how to eat nail file sandwiches. Utterly adorable stuff.

We were also treated to sexy Darren when, once again, he indulged his passion for married women by almost Fing the MILF. What a guy.

Sartorially, he was epic: gold leopard print hoodies, pink vests, zebra print cowboy boots and a diamante bejewelled blazer and, of course, a stunning scene where he fried sausages in naught but a leopard print pants and a novelty pinny.

One word: SWOON

kyle ryder is back. Hooray!

Probably our most favourite Savage Garden-themed gangster EVER returned to the village to make a nuisance of himself. More things that we love about him:

  • His occasional cockney accent
  • He drives a BMW. That’s how proper posh he is.
  • His Ikea-furnished flat
  • His Debenhams for Men cotton boxers and the fact that he ponces around in them rather a lot
  • The way he brings blonde headed sluts called Stacey home for a bit of silk-sheeted loving
  • That he employs Theresa for domestic services, no doubt for less than minimum wage

We love him and want him in every single episode from now on.

olly – not a nice chap

The other personality change occurring in Hollyoaks this week was that of oddball student Olly. Until now a non-threatening suitor of Amy’s with all the sexual menace of an otter, he morphed into a sinister wannabe rapist armed with cut price Harvey Wallbangers and shit anecdotes about Kasabian. Things were looking bleak for Amy until Ste came to her rescue, besting Olly with a strategically aimed doll to the head. Hooray!

have you ever noticed…

…that Jacqui has a really tiny face? Slight personality change for her too: despite her wasteland of a womb she turned down the chance of playing Mummy to Theresa’s illegitimate ONS spawn. Wore an interesting green top and black basque ensemble too.

if you’ve been affected by any of the issues in Hollyoaks helpine plot alert

Steph + cervical cancer. Spends a day weeping over oranges in Mobs.

MYEYES

After a long winter hiatus Frankie’s middle aged breasts make a reappearance. *shudders*

in other new

The village is terrorised by a rogue gang of council estate chavs who are, improbably, sent packing by Josh; in an unrelated matter, Josh is sent daaaaan; Leo weeps into the washing , tormented by ironically named racehorses (“prodigal son”); for the 1000th time, Gaz and Lauren discuss running away but don’t. When they aren’t being depraved they are actually quite sweet; Ricky’s miserablist dad attempts to recruit Kris into helping him end it all. Do it Kris, just do it; Tom is text-stalked by some underage sluts called Milly and Chardonnay

All in all, we love Hollyoaks. We really do.

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

calvin’s killer is revealed. and it wasn’t the wall.

June 1, 2010

Soooo having missed the big reveal, we were well excited when we tuned in to Sunday’s Hollyoaks omnibus to finally find out who shot Calvin.

Was it worth the wait? Well, while we were initially surprised that Theresa was the shooter, let’s face it: it was somehow inevitable that the McQueens would be involved, nothing can happen in Hollyoaks without their scally input. Plus, there was the issue of the killer herself. We’d kind of hoped that once they’d been unveiled, the killer would be thoroughly proud of their actions and gleefully planning their next heinous crime. Instead, Theresa seemed to spend an entire episode whimpering under a blanket. After the likes of Claire, Vile Niall and Lydia this displays a shameful lack of ambition. Man up, Theresa, man up.

other things that kept us amused:

The apparent collective McQueen decision to go sans make-up, demonstrated by Mercy, Carmel and Theresa. Not quite as terrifying as Cindy when she went through her pale-and-scary-face-at-your-window phase, but disconcerting nonetheless.

The exception to the above was Jacqui, who opted to ramp up her usual prostitute-chic to a full on walking-the-streets-of-a-trading-estate-Tom. Her lip liner, truly, was amazing – we can only assume that No7 are doing a Tarts and Brasses range nowadays.

Mercy. Every inch the hardfaced slapper that we know and love.

Carmel’s about-bloody-time rampage when she was told about Mercy and Calvin’s illicit shaggage, unleashing a host of verbal and physical smackdowns on her slut bag sis – our fave? “Don’t you ‘Carm’ me you vile slapper!” shrieked from behind a door. We never thought Mercedes could be bested in scrap but we defo call Carmel on that one. And what about when she finds out mini-her Theresa is the shooter? Cannae wait.

Mal – forget our momentary sympathy for him last week – fessing up for the murder to save Mercy’s (admittedly hot) ass? What a tool. We hope he gets sent down for it.
in other news
As inevitable as the McQueen-centric resolution to the who shot Calvin plotline and as we predicted a while back…Steph and Gilly’s chav union. Gem was duly bested (she was getting a bit too smug anyway) and Rhys, of all people, was on hand to help the star cross’d lovers. We Awwed for approximately 3 seconds until we remembered that Steph and Gilly are repugnant human beings, so we stopped and started booing.

Nev in HD is a sight that no eyes should ever have to witness.

Some old crap involving the students, Josh drink driving again yawwwwwwn

The first casualty of the approaching Hollyoaks cull, Archie was run out of town after giving Elliot some dodgy pills. We’d forgotten all about Elliot tbh, and would have rather kept Archie instead – at least he doesn’t spend every. Single. Episode he’s in whining about sums.
quotes
“If anything happens to Mal I’ll strangle that two timing little skank with her own g string” as ever, Kris dazzles with his turn of phrase.

Tags:, , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

glass half cull

March 15, 2010

We couldn’t go on without referencing the mooted culling of not one but SIXTEEN Hollyoak’s residents:

Josh, Suzanne and Nev the racist dad: we’ve known about this for some time and have come to terms with the fact that Rhys is staying. In a way we applaud such an audacious move – really, would any soap get rid of a sexual deviant like Rhys? We think not.

The Valentines – including Sasha , Lauren and Leo and, obvs, Calvin is shot down in his prime when the flashforward becomes flashpresent in may: fair dues, they’ve done jack all of interest for years – even Sonny has defected to Eastenders.

Zack: Aww. Shame.

Spencer: ABOUT EFFING TIME

Archie: Nooooo!

Jake and Loretta: yes please

Newt: without Eli he’s nuffink. So yes. But could we keep Eli? Imagine it: an imaginary friend, who exists without the person who imagines him? HOW AMAZING would that be?

Dave: can he take India and Charlotte with him?

Des: we were starting to really like him. Poor old Jacqui, left on her tod again.

Kris: the ‘Oaks will be a duller place without his barbs and eyeliner. Error.

So, our faves (ie Darren, swoon, Cheryl, the Hutch, etc) appear to be safe, but we feel there is a certain lack of ambition – there are no big names – NO MCQUEENS!!!! WTF!?!!? – and none of the above sound like annual culls (unless the Valentines are wiped out in a freak windsailing accident? The Ashworths commit mass suicide?), so its all a bit… non, really.

Ah well. At least Darren is safe.

ps – could one of the above be the Calvin shooter?

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

classic Rhys and the horror of Duncan’s mind

February 21, 2010

Rhys=hero bro

Rhys is displaying an admirable dedication to his quest to become the most despicable human being to ever grace the world of soap. His latest heinous deed was to spike Josh’s drink with vodka in a bid to sabotage his burgeoning romance with India, and then, when said spikeage lead to Josh inadvertently drink driving and almost killing most of his friends, Rhys thoroughly failed to fess up and save Josh’s ass.

That said, the drink driving carnage was worth it Hollyoaks blowing what surely must be its special effects budget for the whole of 2010 on a spectacular (yet sadly non fatal) car crash/explosion, soundtracked with how soon is now by The Smiths.

Way cool.

So, Josh is now a pariah whilst Rhys was hailed as a hero. Hats off to the perverted one, hats off.

boo hiss

We said goodbye to skank mum Kath, who, having got a credit card in Tina’s name (rather enterprising we think), was thusly run out of town by an outraged Jacqui and Myra. Shame.

MYEYES

The most horrific sight to offend our eyes in a looong time: a disturbing sex fantasy in which Duncan imagines Mrs Ashworth dressed as a slutty nurse, feeding him whipped cream and strawberries in a provocative manner. Incest, cougars, food stuff. *VOMS*.

random brand watch

A pissed Nancy chows on Choco Bong Flakes in the Drive’n'buy; Duncan consults random brand search engine Swoosh for what to do in the event of your best friend being a smackhead; Des sups on some Weisbrau as he tries to matchmake Kris and Nancy

in other news

in addition to sickening sexual fantasies about his aunt, Duncan continues to steal her knickers. We are starting to really like him; Ricky is suspected of being a drug dealer and a smackhead, before being revealed to have an MS inflicted and grumpy arsed dad; Nancy ends her night like this; Evissa is somehow able to afford newspaper advertising; Kris has a large cock (according to a quip by Nancy – see below); Nancy’s tardis-like flat now accomodates Des, in addition to Nancy, Charlie and Elliot

quotes

“it’s london, not the flaming moon” Kath injects a rare bit of geographical realism to her and Theresa’s proposed move daan saaf.

“it’s not the first time you’ve been a big let down…well…a let down” backhanded insult from Nancy to Kris.

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

flash ah ahhh

December 23, 2009

Hollyoaks is nothing if ambitious and so after skydiving deaths, alter ego stand-offs and numerous film student moments, the ‘Oaks has given us the special flashforward episode set in May 2010, where stacked hottie and rightful Strictly champion Calvin was gunned down in his prime.

OMG!

It was something of a head scratcher, raising a whole heap of questions that we can now spend the next five months trying to answer, the main one being, of course, whodunnit?

We can’t wait to see what Calvin has done to fuck off so many people, as the menu of suspects ranged from the expected to the rather random (many of whom were helpfully summarised in the end bit). In no specific order:

Mercedes
Our verdict: whilst hell hath no fury like a vag scorned we cannot believe that she would rid the world of a functioning man truncheon. No chance.

Malachy
Our verdict: he wasted the opportunity for Jackie Jackson-style bestman speech, so we’re not convinced he has that killer instinct. Unless he was planning to drown Calvin in a pool of his anguished tears. Wuss.

Sasha
Our verdict: maybe. If she found out that Calvin abandoned her beloved Warren to his fiery/mirror fate she would get the right hump. Sulky mare.

Spencer
Our verdict: please. If Spencer got a gun he’d end up shooting himself in the face.

Lauren
Our verdict: Lauren can be one vindictive goth when she wants to be. Can’t believe she’d whack her own brother though.

Jacqui
Our verdict: Meh. She may have been full of righteous fury at Mercy and Calvin’s affair, but if she moidered every person Mercedes shagged who she shouldn’t then there would be barely a person left alive.

Zack
Our verdict: despite the face punchy aggro (which seemed to involve Des somehow too), we think Zack is a bit too mild mannered to indulge in gun crime.

Leo
Our verdict: get all Darth Vader on his son’s ass? Mebbees. He’s always been a bit shifty.

Michaela and Theresa
Our verdict: a random factor, but we could roll with it.

Jake
Our verdict: got form as a psycho. Is a disgruntled ex-employee. Why not.

Kris and Cheryl
Our verdict: Nah. A simple bullet in the heart wouldn’t be a flamboyant enough MO for these two. Any murderous scheme of theirs would involve swans, dry ice and Kate Bush.

Rhys
Our verdict: our wild card. Rhys hasn’t done anything interesting for years, so it would be about time. He and Calvin shared an odd exchange about a secret and, knowing Rhys, the mind can only boggle at the sexual deviancy he could be involved in now.

Or, it could be someone completely off piste: Claire (why not? it’s usually her); Baby Leah; crazy alchie Louise returns; Holly with a champagne cork (this one is courtesy of a Twitter friend of WLH), Mark Gasgoyne; Bonnie Tyler in another cameo…. or Carmel, vengeful after discovering her man’s cheating ways?

Other questions:
What has happened to Holly? Is she dead? Did Cindy swap her for a Gucci bag?

Do they really expect us to believe the Loft will still be standing in 5 months time? Really? Under  the increasingly inept management of Calvin, Mercy, Mal, Sasha and Spencer we are surprised it hasn’t burnt to the ground already. Again.

Why is the future all smokey? We imagine that’s how the world looks during the early stages of cataracts.

Where were Hannah, Newt, the Roys, Steph, Frankie, Jack, Zoe, Lydia etc? (perhaps the latter two have death matched each other by then)

Why was Suzanne there and no Nev?

Where exactly would ANYONE in the village get their hands on a gun? Eastenders they aint.

Now, Carmel and Calvin’s Dirty Dancing tribute/debacle was hardly a sell out, so unless the killer was hidden half a mile away, sniper style, then surely someone would have seen said killer?

We think this is a case for CSI: Chester.

So many questions *head explodes*. Loved it. Roll on May 2010, when, we were assured, the truth will out. Yay.

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

long time no see

December 21, 2009

Been off the grid for a while now (resolution for 2010: need a better work/Hollyoaks balance) but now we’re back for what is shaping up to be a tasty festive season for the ‘Oaks. So without much further ado: yesterday’s omnibus….

will they or wont they? Er, yes, they will

After weeks and weeks of fairly unsubtle flirting, Calvin and vacuum vag Mercy finally succumbed to their lustful urges, getting hot and at it in the Loft as a horrified Malachy looked on. Oops. Always lock the door people. ALWAYS LOCK THE DOOR. How will Mal react to such cuckoldry? Burst in there and tear the cheating pair new ones? Or scamper off to weep in an alleyway? Oh.

anita’s WEB OF LIEEEEES continues

Yep, the mini Roy’s career as tall tale teller continued this week, her porkie about being on the receiving end of some unwelcome MDMA courtesy of bug eyed student twat Dave resulting in his social pariahdom.

Now, as we’re sure you know, we have never been the biggest fans of Dave (if ever someone was need in a good kicking it was him) but even he didn’t deserve to be run out of Mobs by some judgemental proles.

So, false accusations of drug enabling and faked anorexia, failure to lose her V-plates with Dave and Ricky (you may remember her icky attempt to seduce him, dressed as Sandy when she turned into  slut in Grease)…just what is the point of Anita? To be the most annoying Hollyoaks character EVER?

Anyhoo, she may have met her match in the BTM stakes, having been targeted for counselling by uber drama queen Kris. Yikes.

the messers become the messees
Over at the Barnes household, things are getting a little bit odd and complicated. Zoe knows that Lydia is madder than a box of hammers and killed Sarah. Lydia knows she knows. And Zoe knows Lydia knows she knows. We think. Actually we’re not that sure what’s going on. Charlotte is clearly bewildered by it all, spending most episodes looking like a stunned panda. We feel your pain, Charlotte.

Btw, such skulduggery seems to suit Lydia. She is looking kinda…dare we say it…hot?

MYEYES!!!!
Frankie parties like its 1999 in a figure hugging, strapless blue sequinned dress. Ew. Frankie’s breasts have been causing much mental pain of late – PLEASE, FRANKIE, KEEP THEM TETHERED AND WRAPPED. For the sake of humanity.

in other news:
‘l heart gypsy jazz’ – niche music love on the sixth form whiteboard; Jake has the handwriting of a psychopath. Obvs; Cheryl sports an awesome santa camel toe.

So, on with this week’s flashforward fun. WE CANNOT WAIT!!!!

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

the dark at the end of a dark tunnel

October 11, 2009

Jeez. We thought Hollyoaks Later was dark but that was nothing compared to this week’s Hollyoaks proper, so paranoid and intense it was like being trapped in a Dostoyevsky novel.

There was the aftermath of Sarah’s death (how sweet was Elliot’s rememberings of Sarah’s Dr Who-themed wooing of him?), Jake’s shock return to the village and, of course, Newt’s descent into shrieking madness. Not quite what we had in mind for a relaxing Sunday morning viewing.

Heroes of the week

Jack: he may be a grumpy ex-publican with a criminal record and a dodgy ticker, but Jack was a ledge this week. Be it taking care of Charlie, counselling Lauren, defending Jake or running/diving to the rescue of Newt, he was a one-man fighting force on behalf of other people’s offspring.

Eli: it’s a sign of the times when an imaginary friend is the voice of reason, but the afro’d one really looked out for Newt. Admittedly it was he who came up with the idea of mugging the old lady (and let’s face it the old cow prob deserved it), but he was onto Rae immediately – and had the good sense to attempt to batter her to death with a lump of wood. Things wern’t looking too good for him by the end (he looked pretty dead under the water there) but knowing Eli he’ll be back soon. Loved his anguish at being likened to a gay Penfold too.

Kris: his hardman act a couple of weeks ago left us unconvinced, but this week he seemed more than capable of taking out Jake in protection of Nancy. Aww.

Archie: other than Kris, the one person who seemed to give a monkeys about Zoe’s wrongful imprisonment. And he shouted at Lydia. Hooray.

Villains of the week

Jake: being locked up in an asylum for a year or so doesn’t seem to have stopped Jake being all creepy and intense, or weirdly obsessed with baby Charlie. Smashed up Darren’s flat too, which we say is simply not on. As mentally unhinged, sexual deviants go we prefer John Stape.

Rae: a morbid, alter-emo with a death wish and way too much eye make up. Does it get any more sinister than that? A manifestation of Newt’s feelings of hopelessness and despair, Rae took the whole ‘imaginary friend’ thing to a whole new level by have a bit of sexy fun with Newt. Um. We could say something rude and inappropriate about this. But we wont. Anyhoo, a great alternative baddie, she was last seen swaying eerily under the water, a goth siren calling Newt to his death. We hope she comes back.

Loretta: she is like one of those crazy bints you read about in Chat magazine who end up marrying the Yorkshire Ripper in prison. You crazy pole dancer you!

Mike and Lydia: Boo hiss! Myra Hindley did a great line in mental, playing the grieving widow and babbling about she and Sarah adopting orphans, or something. Worse for poor old Zoe was the DILF declaring that she should ‘rot in hell’. After the tearful grief sex she gave him last week we think that is downright rude.What a betch. Also, like her two children and the attempted abduction of one of them by psychos, the untimely demise of her sister was also not good enough reason for Amy return to the village. Huh!

Quotes:

“Why were you going away with two lesbians in the first place?” Zoe’s mum asks a pertinent question.

“There he is!” Jack and Frankie react to seeing their runaway mentally ill adoptive child by screaming and running after him.

Darren: “Be careful you dont cut your throat”

Jake: “Or yours?” The Osborne-Dean stepbros bond.

“Who hits a door?” another pertinent question, this time from Darren, on Jake’s flat mashing

“I’m hiding from the dark aswell, its scratching at the door trying to get in” Newt gets, like, deep as he explains his state of mind (or lack thereof) to Rae.

OMG moment

The entire end sequence, with Newt, Rae and Eli all lost under the water. Beautiful, haunting, unbearably tense (would Newt survive? Did he want to?), up there with Sarah’s death scene as the best thing Hollyoaks has done in ages.

So yeah. What a week. Cant wait to watch tonight’s X-Factor for some light-as-souffle, free of tragedy fun. Oh.

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

freshers and a little bit of lock stock

September 28, 2009

With an poorly trained for Run to the Beat half marathon on sunday*, there was no better excuse to veg on the sofa and catch saturday’s E4 omnibus.

that was the freshers week that was

Every year HCC gets a new influx of students, accompanied by an array of jaunty Freshers Week type shenanigans to show us how, like, cool and fun they all are. This year is no exception, with fresher antics culminating in an X-factor-style voxpops booth and petty theft from the local area. That said, we feel this lot of students may take tad longer than usual to embed themselves in our affections (and this is saying something, considering how annoying Kris was when he first arrived on the scene…though let’s be honest, he still is)

Hayley: living proof that Hollyoaks doesn’t patronize those with disabilities, this chick shows that being in a wheelchair doesn’t stop you from being a shrill, spiteful beyatch

Dave: sadly, this refugee from Hollyoaks spin-off The Morning After the Night Before appears to be here to stay. This bug-eyed, infinitely slappable douchebag is the sort of smug, empty headed no-mark you’d spend the rest of your time at uni trying to erase from your life like but you NEVER CAN. Let’s hope he is culled off soon.

Josh: whilst we admire his cheekbones we cannot help thinking that mini Ashworth has become somewhat of a dickhead. Gone is the sweetheart who pined after Amy and masterminded the Baby Diegos. In his place is an annoying studentboy tosser (with hideous indie landfill hair), who canoodles with his (admittedly hateful) brother’s paraplegic girlfriend and is a whingey little shit to his parents. Sortitahhht.

Charlotte: we quite like her. We’ve said it before, but she seems like generally good egg.

India: the only real newbie had a proper nightmarish freshers week – shagged and dumped by super sleaze Archie (more on him in a min), her dreams of a fancy freshers ball replaced with a pikey free for all in the Dog and finally made to shit herself via some laxative food theft entrapment by Hayley. And then just when we were starting to like her she buggers off. We feel used, emotionally.

lock stock ish

The only other happening of note was a truly baffling, Lock Stock-style heist where Zack, Elliot, Archie and Kris got their hands on a stash of the late Warren Fox’s cash and were thusly terrorised by crimnal type by the name of Jed Paxman. Whilst not only totally clashing in tone with the diarrhea-and-bonding moments of the students (which we can live with – hey, its Hollyoaks, that’s how it rolls), the dramatic potential of this particular plotline was undermined by the following:

  • when Kris, Zack and Elliot went to Archie’s rescue they got THE BUS. that’s right, your friend is being tortured and you opt for public transport.
  • “DI’ Jed: eyes very close together like an angry mole, vaguely comedic southwest accent…not the most fearsome of bad guys
  • Archie squealing like a pig was just kind of funny
  • try as we might we just couldn’t accept Kris as a badass. Not in those heels
  • Nancy was present at the final face off. All tension instantly lost.

Still, in the end Kris threw the money off a bridge to symbolise how their friendship had been destroyed by lies (or something) and Elliot punched Archie in the face. It was emotional.

in other news

Following on from last week’s omgness, Newt and Eli have R-U-N-O-F-T; Gilly exhibits some truly gorgeous cheekbones. Swoon; Steph forgets Fernando’s birthday (betch!) and thus buys him some novelty underpants from Ann Summers. Luckily Gilly steps in with better present (see below); Darren wears a lovely floral shirt and string vest combo.

hollyoaks later incoming plot devices

Yep, some groundwork was laid for this week’s spin off (SO excited about this btw):

Gilly wins some Upward Bound adventure holiday tickets, which he then gives to Steph to give to Fernando; Theresa and Michaela are London-bound after catching some of evil Jed’s thrown away money; creepy, needy Lydia gets back into Sarah’s knickers via the age-old ‘my ex-girlfriend is stalking me and sending me dead flowers’ sob story (which we’ve all used at one point or another)

*did it in 2h21. now have hamstrings that feel like they are going to snap like badly played guitar strings. exercise is a mugs game!

Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

« Older Entries