So a bit late in the day as we’ve been a bit distracted this week* – here’s the exciting happenings from last week’s Hollyoaks. Trust us, it was dead good:
standing moodily fest 2010
For a few weeks now the village archway has been the location of choice for any Hollyoaks character who wishes to stand and stare moodily into the middle distance. This week however was a veritable all you can eat buffet of standing moodily excellence:
Classic standing moodily: on the pointless jetty outside The Dog:

Standing moodily with this season’s twist: the archway…
A rare demonstration of the tricky two-man standing moodily technique:

Arty standing moodily:
auf wiedersehen pet
And so the inevitable happened. After Michaela let the racist cat out of the racist bag, Des’s reign of phonetically challenged terror came to an end. He started the week so upbeat. Rerse returned to give him an H Samuel tat engagement ring with which to propose to Jacqui (and promptly left to return to her day job, which was apparently walking around the village all day dressed in leatherette – btw, we tried explaining to Mr WLH that Rerse was infact Des’ sister, not mum. Cue look of total bewilderment.). He was “deein a compyootah course” to help his career. Then it all went tits up. His secret was out. He had altercations with Zack resulting in much man handling of shirt collars (right). Jacqui turned down his offer of marriage and decked him. He was outed as a racist. He and Rerse were carted off by Chester PD. Justice prevailed and we felt a teensy bit sorry for him. Bit of a rubbish villain wasn’t he? And he didn’t even get his ring back.
one quim to rule them all
Now Mercy might be the all-conquering vag of the village but this week we were reminded that there is someone who’s crotchular gravitational pull is even stronger that hers – and that be muchly missed part time lesbian, amateur pornographer and dad shagger Zoe. Geography cannot lessen her powers. Despite being miles away (apparently back from jaunting around Europe and now residing in London, presumably with the DILF), she managed to lure away Kris, Zack and Jake (as suspected last week: now culled) under the pretence of organising some toff’s party. Yah right. She wants just all the men. All of them.
another effing Costello
Carl Costello is clearly a fertile man. Supplementing the apparently endless list of children he has sired was Jasmine, the other twin half of plank Seth. Angry and lantern jawed, it quickly became apparent that tomboy Jasmine has attitude with just about everyone – not least controlling patriarch Carl and faithless sister Jem, about whom Mr WLH observed sagely: “She’s got something to repair there hasn’t she?”. Wise words, wise words.
another effing McQueen
Now, we are quite sure that what the world has been waiting for is another McQueen. Let’s face it, there aren’t enough of them are there? So it was with 90% ironic joy and 10% pure FFSness that we welcomed Bart Mcqueen into our lives. The scally midget son of cousin Victor McQueen, Bart has now moved into the McQueen’s TARDIS-like house and, like any self respecting McQueen, is embarking on a career of petty crime. Hashtagusfail.
another effing shifty Irishman
It is a law of the Hollyverse that as one Irishman leaves another must arrive, and thus as Kris left we welcomed Brendan, Cheryl’s thieving, moustachioed scoundrel of a bro. We rather like him (we give it a week before he shags Mercy) and we can’t help thinking we’ve seen him somewhere before…
michael biehn in The Abyss
Brendan
in other news
Cheryl leaves a bottle of milk in Nancy’s bathroom and later waves her bunions in Kris’ face. LOVE HER; Cheryl and Mercy have screeching row outside The Dog. This should happen in each and every episode; Steph’s cancer is back, which results in her meeting a mournful cancer patient/video stalker called Louie. Who is blatantly a ghost. Yes, really; Lauren decides to head to sunny Spain with the cougar; after sitting on the stairs ‘thinking’ (oh really?), Spencer decides to sell Warren’s property portfolio of The Loft, Evissa and the flat; controlling patriarch Carl Costello denies Riley a bag of crisps; ALFONSE is sending Heidi some designs. Surely his arrival must be imminent; unsuprisingly, Hayley has given birth to a truly freaky looking baby; courtesy of Brendan, Cheryl is now buying the Loft with a shady gangster type called Danny Huston; Malachy proves he is rubbish a seducer of women as he is a husband/labourer/human being by getting tied up and robbed by smooth talking hottie Veronica.
quotes
“Well well, if it isn’t Mr Escariot” Rerse gets biblical on Zak’s ass
“Has no one ever told you that its rude spy?” selfawareness fail from Steph’s video stalker/ghost Louie
Michaela: “I’ve been looking everywhere for you”
Jacqui: “Where?”
Michaela: “Here. Your bedroom.”
Chester Herald investigative journalism. Right there.
Jake: “Do you not want me round anymore?”
Steph: “Course I do!” translated: Er, no, psycho boy
*mr WLH asked us to be mrs WLH. yay.





