Posts Tagged ‘hannah’
February 14, 2010
Okay, so this week has pretty much been a write off in terms of watching the ‘Oaks however we did manage to catch the departure of our fave on/off anorexic and occasional drugdealer’s moll Hannah.
Props to Jamie – he may be a wrong un, but he hastened an exit that had been dragging on for what feels like six years. What he did to get banged up we know not, but it was enough for Hannah to get all independent woman/Britney circa Crossroads – “I’m not the little girl/sister/daughter who needs to be looked after. I’m leaving her behind” she trilled, at every possible opportunity.
Indeed. So after giving poor Darren his marching orders (though we think the wads of cash cushioned the blow somewhat), she packed her bags, said her goodbyes (even to Rhys. Is it just us, or is his obsessive interest in his sister starting to seem a bit…Fritzl?) and taxi’d off into the night.
By that point you’d think you’d seen the last of her. But no, you crazy fool. Hannah hadn’t finished with us yet. She still had a video message to get out of her system, one where she reiterated her point about not being the little girl who needed looking after. Again. You know, from a girl who is eternally teetering on the edge of a mental collapse.
Anyhoo, this is just us being Valentine’s grinches. There is much we will miss about Hannah:
- the lengths to which her boyfriends would go to get away from her, ranging from getting banged up, going on the run and turning gay
- her hannahrexia symptoms: deathly pallor, a scarf and, of course, that spot on her forehead
- the grim reaper-like affect she had on those around her: see Baby Grace, Melissa the anorexic psycho skank, half sis Beth and Sarah
- that bug eyed look she would get when she was angry about something. Like a hamster being squeezed
- her lustrous hair, more often than not in the celebrated Alien hairdo
- her relationship with Darren. She was one of the few people who was genuinely nice to him. Aww.
And on that note, we say goodbye to you Hannah. We wish you peace, love and lots of pies wherever you should rest your hat. xxx
in other news
Duncan continues to masquerade as a gay, this time to get into Theresa’s knickers; underage 70s night at The Loft is hijacked by a pissed (yet hot) Jacqui, who indulges in a (admittedly surprisingly good) dance off with Duncan and then shags Des behind the bins; the unholy goth-chav union that is Lauren and Gaz torment Anita via an arty video montage. Dressed as monkeys.
Tags:70s night, alien hairdo, anorexia, duncan, fritzl, gaz, grim reaper, hannah, hannah-rexia, jacqui, jamie, lauren, melissa the anorexic psycho skank, sex behind the bins
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February 6, 2010
Hello. There was a creeping sense of sameyness in this week’s omnibus.
here we go again
Hannahrexic lurched into her next life crisis thanks to the arrival in the village of her spotty drugdealing icecream man Hollyoaks Later boyf Jamie. This being a Hannah life crisis this meant hours of Hannah BTMing, shrieking and flouncing off and Rhys shouting, looking constipated and unleashing his fists of fury to zero effect. Yawn.
Jamie himself loitered round the village all week like a particularly annoying tramp. We don’t like him and we think he is up to no good. A suspect for Sasha’s mugging last week? You know it.
Another vaguely familiar aspect to this storyline was Rhys’ predictably inept attempts to rid the village of it’s Jamie-shaped presence. When fisticuffs didn’t work, he inexplicably recruited Darren (swoon) for a spot of failed drug entrapment and kidnapping/assault. High marks for effort, D- for execution.
deja voodoo
Other happenings where we’ve been there, done that was Sheila’s comedic attempts to provide Elliot with cheese on toast/study support (not to mention Elliot once again turning down the opportunity for sex with a hot woman) and Malachy’s ongoing passive aggressive (read: pussy whipped) schemes to unplug Mercedes and Calvin, these including hopping aboard the property ladder and reuniting Calvin with his ex-missus Carmel. He is either a total wuss or a machiavellian genius. We cannot decide which.
in other news
Ravi opens a boxing club for chavs. Given that his last venture into the boxing world resulted in a craniotomy we think this is a perfectly sensible course of action; Carmel is given a random perm by Frankie; for the ten minutes he is on screen, Duncan spent 9.5 of them talking about or eating food; Cindy and Steph get all competitive mum/stepmum by entering Holly and Tom into Chester’s Got Talent; Holly is neglected and sad. Boo : (
film student moment
Various characters in noir-ish card games; Elliot gets Star Trekked; Rocky montage
MYEARS
Tony speaks street
Carmel refs colonically irrigating Frankie and Leo. Eww.
Tags:carmel, Chester's got talent, cindy, colonic irrigation, craniotomy, darren, drug enabling, duncan, Elliot, entrapment, hannah, holly, hollyoaks later 2009, jamie, malachy, ravi, rhys, rocky montage, sheila, steph
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January 4, 2010
Well, where do we start with the first Hollyoaks omnibus of the tenties?
blonde v blonde
We expected the Zoe/Lydia she knows that she knows that she knows plot to rumble on for ages, but instead we were treated to a new year’s eve showdown. This was of course after a toe curling scene where Zoe used her womanly wiles to try and honey trap Lydia. Yep. That’s right. There is officially now no situation when Zoe will not use her womanly wiles.
Anyhoo, with Zoe dressed a la Madonna/Material Girl and Lydia, well, being her usual spooky self, things got a little bit stabby down at Sarah’s grave, Zoe getting a punctured stomach and bowel for her troubles. Ouch!
And now, sadly, Lydia is all banged up (though somehow had time to doll herself up a la Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner) – boo hoo. Watching her all caged and mental is fun though, we are hoping she denies her suicidal urges and becomes a Hannibal Lecter-style uber villain, causing all sorts of mayhem from behind bars. In the mean time – her mum and interestingly named sister Persephone are nearby. Will we get to meet them? We hope so!
more familiar grimness
The Hannah-rexia storyline (thanks to @Sugafairey for that one!) continued down the usual “I don’t need to be in hospital” “Yes you do”, “I’m not anorexic” “Yes you are” conversations for what felt like hours, though at least this time our beloved Darren was involved and there was narky anorexia doctor Diane to shout at everyone. Hannah, just have some cake. Go on. Just a little bit.
2010 resolutions
Cheryl: treat body like temple, no carbs after 9pm, win X Factor
Lydia: be dead by 2011
in other news
more steph-gilly-fernando-cheryl yawnsomeness (ignore what we said about Newt and Rae – THIS is the world’s least interesting love story. BORED NOW); The Dog runs out of booze on NYE so gives away free biergrad; Amy takes back her kids (about bloody time); Cheryl is attacked by some hair straighteners; eat sushi off Michael Flatley, get it on with Simon Cowell – Cheryl’s to do list before she settles down; we learn Myra was preggo with her third kid when she was 18; Cath, Theresa’s skank jailbird mum is in town to ponce a grand of her unsuspecting daughter’s trust fund – we know we shouldn’t, but we kinda like her. She’s fun.
quotes
“That’s really…weird” Charlotte on the Lydia and Zoe living together situ. You’re not wrong pet.
Tags:anorexia, blade runner, cath, cheryl, daryl hannah, hannah, hannah-rexia, hannibal lecter, lydia, madonna, material girl, persephone, random brand beer, simon cowell, the dog, the omnibus, Zoe
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December 30, 2009
Catching up on last week’s action and it was dark times indeed in present day/non-flash Hollyoaks, not so much ho ho ho as ho ho holy crap that’s depressing as Theresa was yet again abandoned by her crack whore jailbird mum and Tony lamented his unhappy family past.
There was worse to come though. Darren, who tried to keep his spirits up with mince pies and an apparent obsession with Norway, still had to contend with his housemate going bonkers (more on that in a sec) and his family abandoning him to a lonely microwave xmas dinner and some cheap white wine. SOB!! Luckily (kind of), Steph, Jake, Fernando and Tom came to the rescue with a bit of xmas carol fun. Note to Hollyoaks: if Darren cries we cry. So stop it.
A happy-ish ending then. Not something that happened for poor Hannah though, who topped off a week of drinking neat vodka, vomming and general mental disintegration with the most depressing xmas dinner ever – gagging over the carrots as her mum wept and Rhys did that constipated look he does when he is worried about something. Anorexia back in town but apparently not able to admit it, Hannah was carted off to hospital as she sobbed. As did we.
So, thanks for that, Hollyoaks!
in other news
Mercy spends an ENTIRE EPISODE stressing over whether to give a pair of silken leopard print underpants to Malachy or loverboy Calvin; Newt and Rae (the world’s least interesting love story) continued to bicker – turns out Rae has a dead sister….a dead twin sister, who might actually be alive mebbees?; pikey xmas at the McQueens – a deck the halls tuned door bell and only four roasties for Des; Tom has an encounter with Santa aka Gilly in an Ann Summers santa costume
Btw, there was no Lydia, bar a text to Josh…we kind of miss her spooky face?
and the award for the most bizarro moment in Hollyoaks in a long time goes to….
Obviously, this being Hollyoaks there are a million contenders but we have to give extra special props to the Osborne-Dean’s demented xmas morning nativity reenactment…Jack as Joseph, Frankie as a knocked up Mary…. Utter genius
Tags:ann summers, anorexia, darren, frankie, hannah, jack, lydia, mercedes, nativity reenactment, newt, norway obsession, rae, rhys, theresa, tony, vomming
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November 22, 2009
Not much to report from this week’s omnibus, other than that there’s all sorts of romantic shenanigans going on:
the Osbornes
Now we rated this couple the moment they got hitched and so are very happy to report that Hannah and Darren are turning into something rather sweet: Hannah, all hair, eyes and borderline alcoholism is intent on preventing Darren from sliding into a yet another gambling flavoured disaster; whilst Darren is wooing his missus with unbranded loo roll, economy burgers and Jaws 4 on DVD (swoon) – and even turned down the chance of some illicit hate sex with Cindy! Cuter that a basket of kittens, we love them!
Jacqui and Des
Yeah, so Des is a bit annoying at times but we like the way he seems to have tamed Jacqui and her scally ways. Having said that, knowing Jacqui’s luck with men we give it a month before her new man has slept with/impregnated one (if not all) of her sisters. And her mum too.
Newt-Rae-Gaz
Scallified Newt’s tedious obsession with chav princess Rae has been given a certain triangular je ne sais quoi now that Gaz is also sniffing around. Its all very sullen and angsty. Meh.
Amy and Ste
The flighty 2×2 returned to the village and tried to make amends with her psycho chav-turned-burger entrepreneur ex boyf. Ste was having none of it. Aww.
Lydia and Charlotte
Our fave Myra Hindley lookalike, dismayed at the less than positive write up she got in Sarah’s diary, has managed to creep her way back into Charlotte’s good books (and other places). Run away Charlotte! Run awaaaaaay!
in other news
Archie sits around the village for an entire episode holding a twig
Tags:Amy, archie, charlotte, darren, des the geordie teacher, gaz, hannah, illicit hate sex, jacqui, jaws 4, lydia, newt, rae, ste
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October 4, 2009
Okay, so we were out and about the night of episode 4, watching Michael McIntyre do his gentle family comedy thang (though with many unexpected jokes about blowjobs. Shocking).
As a result we missed the Biggest Death to happen to Hollyoaks in a long time. FFS! So we tuned into 4OD today knowing that Sarah’s untimely demise was on the way and…
OMFG!!!!!
What else can we say about it? Hollyoaks has had its fair share of death scenes but this one take the biscuit in terms of spectacularity and tension. Poor old Sarah didn’t stand a chance as she plummeted towards earth – never has a clear blue sky and golden cornfield been so terrifying.
Wow.
And then there was the end bit, where the DILF was informed of his daughter’s squishy fate. Sob!
So Lydia’s demented and poorly thought out plan to take out love rival Zoe back fired spectacularly. Hubris, eh?
everything else in the episode paled into insignificance, but in summary:
More beautiful nature (has Hollyoaks ever looked so good?) as Hannah and Jamie sought refuge on the beach, dark doom-laden clouds overhead
Rhys gets royally kicked in by Kev and Blue. We know we should be sad about this, but we can’t quite manage it
Jacqui and Carmel both get banged up cos of Evil Southerners – for the trashing of sleazy photographer man Wayne’s studio for the former, vice squad entrapment for the latter.
Cindy and Tony FINALLY agreed to marry each other. Cindy fessed up her scam, and they both said something about not wanting to look around corners. GET ON WITH IT we felt like shouting, Holy Grail-style. Still, we got to spend time with Darren and Cindy did look very pretty even though she was covered in mud and her tiara was askew.
quotes
“Conniving, lying, nasty shrew…cheating, thieving midget” Tony’s description of Cindy. “A bit harsh” was Darren’s response.
So yeah. As with last year, the big death happened in the penultimate episode. And it was a corker. Put us off skydiving (and unhealthy relationships with disturbed lesbians) for life, but a corker nonetheless. Yay!
Tags:blue, carmel, DILF, evil southerners, film student moment, hannah, hollyoaks later, hollyoaks later 2009, jacqui, jamie, kev, lydia, rhys, sarah, spectacular deaths
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October 3, 2009
So, without much further ado…
serious storyline 1: the impending Lydia-is-a-psycho plot
This plot bubbled away nicely, with Lydia displaying some pleasingly psychotic symptoms – telling Zoe that Sarah tried to top herself after last year’s lez action, and having illicit sniffs off Sarah’s underwear. Ledge.
The most surprising development was Gilly reverting to back to his former chav scum self. As somone who once displayed a nasty streak a mile wide(you may remember his vigilante abuse of falsely accused nonce Simon a few years ago) he had simmadowned and became something of a sweetheart of late.
Being on the trail of Steph’s skanky minge seems to have shortcircuted his brain however, and he took umbrage at constantly being outdone by love rival and good egg Fernando, resorting to throwing the spanish omlette’s rucksack (along with Steph’s anti-fit pills) in the lake. Shame on you Gilly, not good form at all!
As a result, Steph and her two suitors headed home, leaving the quasi lesbian love triangle to battle it out. And then there were three…
comedy storyline 1: the McQueens go to LDN
Things were going well for Theresa’s fledgling glamour model career, at her first gig for Miss Sixteen magazine with sleazy photographer and Evil Southerner Wayne. Then Jacqui and Carmel literally kicked their way in, McQueen stylee, and fucked it right up. Ah well. Amateur porn’s loss is our gain.
Things of note:
- “Eau de twat” – Michaela’s suggestion for a Theresa-themed perfume
- 6 types of biscuits and a coke with an umbrella in it – Michaela approves of the perks of the photoshoot
- Jacqui questions the value of £8 for two pasties. Things cost more in London doncha know.
serious storyline 2: the Ashworth’s go to a festival and meet some dangerous types in a plot that is not-at-all-like-something-out-of-Skins
This plot went ever deeper into Skins territory, with skanky/hot slut duo Jamie and Imogen leading the Ashworth’s to a 24 hour rave/squat/brothel ruled by evil northerner Kev and rotund lackey Blue. All things seemed happy clappy until Hannah discovered that pretty Jamie is infact a drug dealing icecream man. What were the chances of that eh? After some initial squawking, Hannah was soon on board with this though and before you could say ‘cautionary tale’ she and Rhys had been tipped into pretentious trance dancer land - popping pills and talking shit. While they were doing this and getting the shags in (see below) a non-pilled up and instead drunk Josh was getting punched and covered in piss (also see below). Drugs=happy days, then.
Things of note:
- Hannah has very pretty eyebrows.
- Jamie is very pretty also
- Captain Wafer – the name of Jame’s icecream/drugs van
comedy storyline 2: Cindy and Tony’s wedding
Yeah, this trundled on, Tony and Dom having the same argument (about Tony not really loving Cindy and Tony being pleased at being likened to an onion in Dom’s best man speech blah blah blah) for about 20 minutes. Thankfully, Darren was soon installed as best man (error, as he had smuggled a drunken Tony onto the back of a truck before the night was out, with the help of a brass called Sadie) and Dom was getting it on with a crazy posh bird called Emma (a fine name if we do say so ourselves). Savannah meanwhile had sussed Cindy’s scam, using the trusty medium of text to get the truth out of Darren. We like Savannah, she’s scrappy.
Things of note:
- continuity error – Darren texts of his love for Cindy in lowercase, but when Savannah reads it it’s in uppercase
- Darren wears some fabulous pink trousers
Later naughtiness
7 mins Hannah references dogging
19 mins Savannah says ‘bastard’ in a boozy spain flashback
28 mins Josh says ’shit’
29 mins “Swimming, slimming, rimming…” Josh ‘free forms’
36 mins Josh says ‘fuck’ repeatedly and then gets showered in piss when his stint at the festival goes horrifically wrong
37 mins Fernando says ‘bullshit’ repeatedly, once via a megaphone
39 mins Ashworth swearfest: Josh says ‘pints of piss’, Rhys says ’shit happens’ and Hannah calls Rhys a ’selfish prick’
40 mins Josh dismisses the Skins-types as ’synthetic tossers’
42 mins Josh dismisses the Skins-alike storyline as ‘knobsville’
43 mins Jacqui sprays perfume up her minge. Eau de twat, huhuhuhuh
48 mins Jacqui says ‘twat’
59 mins Savannah says ‘up shit creek’
The episode culminated in an icky shagfest, where Dom, Hannah and Rhys all got it on with their paramours (the latter dogged by leering fatty Blue). Rhys nekkid and sexfacing….so very wrong.
Episode 2 then – more profanity and some last minute sex. Things are getting better…bring on episode 3!
Tags:blue, chavs, cindy, darren, emma, evil northerner, evil southerners, fernando, gilly, hannah, hollyoaks later, hollyoaks later 2009, Josh, kev, lezzing it up, lydia, miss sixteen, rhys, sarah, savannah, steph, text, tony, wayne, Zoe
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September 30, 2009
So here we are again – spin off time! Last year we had Vile Niall (RIP – sob) raising hell in scotland, Sarah and Zoe indulging in illicit lez action, Mercy and Mal’s Team HIV wedding and Josh being a bit of a twat. What delights does the Later Hollyverse have to offer us this time?
As ever, there is a quartet of storylines:
serious storyline 1: the impending Lydia-is-a-psycho plot
Yep this one has been a-brewing for a while, with jealous, rodent faced Myra Hindley tribute act Lydia gatecrashing an action holiday starring Sarah, Zoe, Steph, Fernando and Gilly.
Thinks of note:
- Has Steph always been such a rampant homophobe? Bitch
- Gilly. Swoon.
- Staff Kingsley: a less fun rip off of Mike/Spaced
- Loved when Lydia appeared at the camp, bathed in eerie moonlight, just as Gilly was telling a scary story. Unsubtle yet still very apt.
comedy storyline 1: the McQueens go to LDN
Michaela and Theresa head to our fair capital to pursue Theresa’s burgeoning career as a tom/glamour model and to visit Theresa’s scally mum in prison. It was a mixed bag of fortunes – Theresa got a gig with Miss Sixteen magazine but then they also got in a fight with a tramp and ended up spending the night in some no doubt fragrant public lavs. The lord gives and he takes away. Still, Jacqui and Carmel are hot footing it to the rescue. Hurrah!
Things of note:
- Love Jacqui’s prostitute-chic PVC minge-height boots. Amaze
- Quote: “you’ve got a mum in prison and you’re from the north” angry Londoner receptionist lady clocks Theresa’s X-Factor sobstory immediately
serious storyline 2: the Ashworth’s go to a festival and meet some dangerous types in a plot that is not-at-all-like-something-out-of-Skins
Our fave sibling group consisting of an incesticider, annoying indie landfill troll and an anorexic headed to a random brand musical festival by the sea and were promptly targetted by sinister posho cokeheads Jamie and Imogen. Remember kids: drugs ARE BAD mkay?
Things of note:
- We HATE Rhys. It never lessens, only grows
comedy storyline 2: Cindy and Tony’s wedding
After some unexpected declarations of love from poor barreness Jacqui and a spot of comedy violence (see below), Tony and Cindy headed off to a very big house in the country to get hitched, with Holly, Dom, Darren and Cindy’s random chav mate Savannah.
Things of note:
- Jacqui and Cindy’s girly fight was truly grim – the least erotic girlfight ever caught on film
- Cindy needs to get her roots done, big time
- We learn Savannah once used Holly as a drugs mule. Rather enterprising we say.
- Darren surpassed all previous heights of fashion greatness with a cap-on-sideways, big silver chain and shiny silver tracky top ensemble. Lersh.
- Quote: “Darren: even the name says can of lager” harsh but true comment from Savannah
Later naughtiness
It is a law of the Hollyoaks’ spinoff that characters suddenly start using swearwords and flashing the odd bumcheek or boob. So, as with Hollyoaks Later 2008, here is tonight’s offerings blow by blow, so to speak:
26 mins Jacqui says “bitch”
32 mins Rhys says “arse”
46 mins Jacqui says “bloody”
Not much swearing and no nudity, violence, sex or rapeage (as yet) but still a decent enough start. Lydia is shaping up to be a good psycho, so roll on episode 2!
Tags:carmel, cindy, darren, drug enabling, fernando, gilly, hannah, holly, hollyoaks later, hollyoaks later 2009, imogen, indie landfill, jacqui, jamie, Josh, london, lydia, michaela, minge height boots, miss sixteen, random brands, random obnoxious indie band troll, random working class chavs, sarah, savannah, skins, spaced, swinging london, theresa, tony, Zoe
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July 12, 2009
Have to say, this week’s ‘Oaks was a bit…what is the word….meh. After the high drama and pure OMGity of Torchwood, the does-Malachy-have-HIV symptoms?-no-its-just-man flu-what’s that?-Mercy-thinks-he’s-cheating-on-her-again? storyline was somewhat dull in comparison.
Still, we’ve done our best to pick out the best bits:
Cheryl!
We love her. We really do. Whether she is decking Mercedes with pugil stick, being on the run for shagging a man to death at Funtins holiday camp, using ‘drain the kitty’ as a euphemism for having a wee or doing dramatic interpretations of Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights via the medium of dance (with added fart gag) she is pure comedy gold (and is it just us, but were she and Kris separated at birth?). Happily, now an employee of Mobs (as most people seem to be at some point in their lives) and a tenant of the apparently not very picky student halls of residence, Cheryl is going to be in our lives for the forseeable future. Yay.
Meet the Osborne-Ashworths
Yeap. The drunken rock star jaunt to Denmark resulted in Hannah and Darren returning, in a taxi full of vom, as man and wife and, after a briefly mooted annulment (due to lack of consummation), both have decided to stay married in a bid to get the Dog back/annoy mother. Unlikely couple as they are, we think this one has legs and we sense a new power couple is rising (or maybe we are just wishing we were married to Darren).
Bad Ash
At first we thought it was Lauren, since she has previous form for tormenting people who don’t deserve it (remember when she and Newt duped Elliot into thinking his dad was returning?), but it turned out to be evil jowly faced Ash who was texting Spencer pretending to be Warren, in a bid to get his hands on The Loft. Not the best laid plan me must say, given that Calvin, investigating the texts, simply called the number and, lo and behold, Ash’s phone started to ring. Machiavelli he aint, but he has potential so we do hope bad Ash keeps up the good work.
In other news:
As if the indignity of getting squished by a mirror wasn’t bad enough, further insult is heaped onto Warren as his ashes are scattered on the pond (yes, just outside The Dog); Darren forsakes the animal print shirt/leather pants look for some casual sportswear/string vest; Steph makes the mistake of hiring Malachy and Mercy to redecorate her flat and what does she get in return? Catching them at it on her sofa. Ew; Zack has sex dreams about Mercy, Carmel and Cheryl, much to Michaela’s chagrin; Daniel and Abi (the nearest the ‘Oaks has to the 456) continue to plot against Ste; like Mrs Ashworth before her, Abi is now the one stop nursing shop at Chester hospital for all medical emergencies, on hand for Malachy’s HIV/man-flu and Ste’s cut finger; Tony has been appointed an ambassador for Kidz with Kidz
Tags:456, abi, ash, cheryl, daniel, darren, fart gags, funtins, hannah, kate bush, kidz with kidz, malachy, mercedes, michaela, spencer, the loft, torchwood, warren, wuthering heights, zack
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July 5, 2009
Yep, hello and welcome to this week’s omnibus.
Carry on camping
The above poo outrage was of course part of the jailbait camping plot, where Newt, Theresa, Lauren, Anita and some random simpleton called Ricky headed off into Chester woods for some underage fun. Muchos teenage angst ensued, with Lauren discovering Newt and Theresa’s unlikely romance. Luckily for her though, there was more than one emo in the woods, with Wade, a creepy emo stalker type with a truly slappable face, on hand to offer quasi-philosophical* observations on love and, more importantly, some rebound smooches. Go-on Lauren, rhey! (*in burly builder style voice*). Newt was not a happy bunny.
Dancing Newt
Speaking of whom, when he wasn’t being a bit of a cad and pinballing between Lauren and Theresa, young Barry was indulging in the randomest, most surreal yet somehow amazing moment in Hollyoaks for a long time – an Arcade Fire soundtracked freestyle dance-off with Steph’s dance class. So good we had to watch it twice! (and if you missed it you can catch it on 4oD – its about 13 mins in).
Hannah-rama
Our fave anorexic had something of a meltdown this week, drinking too much, throwing sandwiches and many a strop, crushing crisps and wine into ex-boyfriends faces, coming on to family friends, telling a few home truths (see below) and then running off with random obnoxious indie band troll Stav- to Denmark! All whilst looking glam and alien hair-doed. Hannah – we salute you!
Know your limits!
There was a Darth Sidious-like presence in the village this week – and that be ALCOHOL. Yes, the Rock the SU Bar degenerated into a 3 day bender involving vomiting, cat fights and some very dodgy dancing – and all because those naughty students were BINGE DRINKING. Tut tut. Happily, the latest ‘Oaks spin-off (The morning after the night before – premiering tomorrow online whoop whoop), starring Josh, Sasha, Gilly and sleazy newbie Dave raving it up in Manchestuuh and in partnership with the Home Office/Know your limits campaign, will no doubt show them the error of their ways and promote the virtues of sobriety. We can only hope.
Match.com
How easy it seems to be to hook up in Hollyoaks. Whether you are camping in some random woods or popping into the Drive’n'buy there will no doubt be a creepy emo stalker type or random obnoxious indie band troll to pull.
A plea
Will everyone in the world stop being so horrible to Darren!? Steph and Jack – we mean YOU! Imagine, if you can, a world without his leopard print shirts and leather pants. WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE IN SUCH A WORLD? No. And neither would we. So start showing the love.
Funeral for a (not quite) friend
Yeees, twas time to put Warren to rest. Unsurprisingly it had rather low attendance, his own sister Katy refusing to show up (betch). Still, there was the obligatory McQueen punch up and Sasha and Spencer’s goodbyes were actually rather moving. Not a bad send off for the whisperer if we do say so ourselves.
In other news:
Forgot to mention it last week but Gilly looks rather cute with short hair; Strive for individuality. Create a fad – pretentious t-shirt slogans courtesy of Wade; deformed barbie doll crossed with Chantelle – Ricky’s fairly accurate description of Theresa; random brand beer watch: Nancy retrieves an empty can of Biegrad from the sink; Rhys and Hayley finally get together; Malachy has man flu and/or HIV symptoms; Cheryl, the screeching Irish slapper from Hollyoaks Later and Zack’s ONS, arrives in the village and promptly causes mayhem – including a rendition of Riverdance. Cos, you know, that’s what Irish people do.
Quotes:
Hannah’s diatribe re. her friends’ love lives in full:
To Sarah: “You’re in and out of bed with every man, woman, whatever”
To Zoe: “Your best mate and men twice your age”
To Nancy: “Baby stealing psychos and bisexuals”
Ne’er a truer word said.
“Why would you go commando in leather pants? Are you some kind of perv?” random obnoxious indie band troll Stav to Darren.
*quasi-philosophical as in shit
Tags:binge drinking, cheryl, chester woods, darren, dave, gilly, hannah, home office, irish dancing, irish stereotypes, Josh, know your limits, lauren, leopard print shirts, newt, random brand beer, random obnoxious indie band troll, randomness, ricky, riverdance, rock the SU Bar, sasha, spin off, stav, the morning after the night before, vomit, wade
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