Posts Tagged ‘cindy’
July 5, 2010
So Hollyoaks didn’t particularly inspire us today, though we did notice how much Theresa resembles a mogwai.
mogwai
theresa
remember: never feed after midnight.
in other news
busted – Myra finds out about Theresa’s bunned oven; presumably turfed out by Tony following last week’s unacknowledged divorce request, Cindy is now shacked up with Darren and his kimono. Where poor long-suffering Holly is we know not; poor Gaz is abandoned by Lauren. Betch; the MILF is spotted bootie texting Darren. Wouldn’t we all?; Steph continues to milk being a cancer sufferer, guilt tripping Rhys (of all people) into being part of her X-Factor double act:”a cross between the Ting Tings and Same Difference” she trilled. A brother and sister double act? With Rhys? Is that wise?
quotes
“He might be a lot of things but he’s not a racist” Lauren fails a basic reality check re. Gaz.
BEST BIT
Cindy catches Suzanne and Darren in bed. Cue Darren’s massive shit eating grin. Utter ledge.
Tags:rhys, steph, darren, cindy, theresa, suzanne, mogwai, the ting tings, same difference, gremlins
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March 31, 2010
Okay, so we like a good psycho storyline as much as the next person. Rob Hawthorne and evil Claire live on in our hearts. Part of us died with Vile Niall. Lydia is our ultimate style icon. So we are rolling with Caroline and her crazed Jake entrapment scheme, we really are, BUT….we just don’t get it! Where did she come from?!
This back story from Chester asylum, involving Charlie-branded H samuel tat, Mark the crippled mental health worker and sexual mania-fuelled breakdowns…so out of the blue it’s practically yellow. The weird amber glow of the caravan is perhaps an acknowledgement of this?
Anyhoo, Caroline’s bonkers plan continued a-pace today, turning the homici-diall (see what we did there) up to 9, first attempting some crazy murder/suicide shit by gassing herself and Jake in the caravan. Going off that idea, she then turned her attentions to dispatching with her coat-hanger-in-the-mouth love rival Loretta.
We could only admire how she crept around the Osborne-Dean home, apparently going completely unnoticed by both Loretta and Frankie – not the hoppiest of bunnies in the basket, are they?
Trailing Loretta to the hospital, this enterprising psycho then took the guise of a slow walking nurse armed with a very big needle. Behold the slow walking – catch this episode if you can – no amount of words can do it justice.
So nutcase brunette v rubbish blonde face/off going on in Holly’s hospital room and guess what! Jake has freed himself from his hog tie and so must be on the way to save the day! We can’t wait. Really.
in other news:
Darren (swoon) and Cindy going out on the lash, resulting in Cindy dishing out some drunken hometruths to an unimpressed Mercy. We miss superbitch Cindy, bring her back; pre-lash, Darren (swoon) is caught in a kimono-fake tan situation and later wears a stunning turqoise bird print jacket with complimentary vest; Holly is STILL in a coma. yawn; Tony and Theresa continue to flirt; the gloves come off – in retaliation for Mercy’s Warren bean spillage, Calvin shuts down the Loft; instant karma – Carmel dumps Calvin; Mercedes and Mal decide to run off. Someone help them pack?
quotes
“You had such a big…heart” Caroline has fond memories of incarcerated Jake. Eww.
“Have you been with her? Everyone else has”, a gleeful/shitfaced Cindy spots a shag linkeage between Darren and Mercedes*.
“You know what I haven’t done in a long time?” Cindy ponders. Dye your hair? Put on make up? Not scare the beejesus out of everyone with your spooky face? (actual answer was ‘go clubbing’)
“I hate the way people speak to you. So disrespectful”, bleats Mal after Cindy’s hometruthing about Mercedes sleeping with all and sundry. Head. Sand, etc.
Slaters.
*did Darren and Mercedes actually shag? If not, we guess Mercy’s scorecard for the village’s current/living residents is: Mal, Calvin, Kris, Rhys, Ravi…have we missed anyone?
Tags:caroline, cindy, claire, H Samuel tat, hometruths, jake, lydia, malachy, mercedes, psychos, randomness, rob hawthorne, slowwalking, vile niall
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March 29, 2010
hey there party people. We may be full of cold here at WLH towers but that simply meant that we were nice and sofa’d up in time for tonight’s CH4/E4 double bill. Yay. So, given last week’s wall-related rubbishness and unexpected caravan, what did the Hollyverse have in store for us?
Well, the womenfolk of Hollyoaks are all kinds of crazy aren’t they? It’s often overlooked in the face of the rampant sexual deviancy and sartorial masterclassing displayed by the men, but today, happily, was a veritable oestrogen fest of insanity:
caroline
Who she? You may be asking, if you haven’t seen her with your own eyes. The brand new Hollyoaks psycho, that’s who! Yep, filling the Lydia-shaped hole in our world, caravan-dwelling Caroline is here to torment Jake, grimy faced rugrat Johnny in tow. We always thought Jake’s mini break at Chester’s asylum was suspiciously drama free, so it’s not a massive surprise that this cold eyed nutter has arrived on the scene with tales of crippled mental health workers, folders of Jake-related press clippings and the creepiest H samuel tat ever (dog tags featuring baby charlie’s face anyone?).
The icky yellow-tinged caravan rutting couldn’t last for long, however, and Caroline had soon incapacitated Jake with the trusty vase-to-the-head technique. Love it, love her – keep up the good work!
mercedes
Always teetering on the edge of sexual mania, our fave vacuum vag has finally swan dived right in, unleashing a shit storm on Calvin that may very well end up with his death, gleefully telling Sasha that her bro let Warren die. The moral of this cautionary tale? Never ever turn down sex with Mercy. Not that we ever would.
cindy
The pale faced one played it low key for once, but for one amazing appearance: skulking menacingly in the background as Loretta tried to phone Jake, like Chester’s very own Sadako. Before you die you see her.
other female mentalism of note: Carmel lets the Warren shaped cat out of the bag to Mercy; Amy – joins HCC – her latest scheme to neglect her kids. We give it a week; Myra playing the temptress to Ralph the builder of Bevin’s builders. Ewww; Michaela masquerades as a pov (not too big a stretch TBF) in order to save the McQueen hovel
the mcqueens=aspirational
The US has The Hills, but who needs the glamourous exploits of Lauren, Speidi and co when we have the McQueens? Behold how Malachy pimps out his wife, Mercedes flaunting her bountiful wares in order to scam £250 quid out of some Olly Murs lookalikes. Work hard at school kids and this could be you!
p.s who really gives a f*ck that the McQueens are being turfed out of their hovel?
night night *with a hacking cough*
Tags:Amy, caravan sex, carmel, caroline, cindy, H Samuel tat, jake, mercedes, myra, olly murs, ralph the builder, the hills, the ring, woman in the caravan
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March 28, 2010
So, the Holly storyline has been bubbling way for a while now hasn’t it? Rumours of suicide and moider were rife. The Hutch and Jake were suspects. We had been subjected to hours and HOURS of Cindy’s cosmetically barren wailing. So after all this, we expected to be rewarded with a mind blowing denouement. That’s not too much to ask, is it?
Which why we are baffled to report that the outcome of this month of high drama is that Holly is now in a coma after running into a wall. Yes, you read that correctly. The villain turned out to be A WALL.
Curse you, evil bricks!
More interesting, then, was Jake’s week, which can be summarised thusly: efforts as a child finder rejected, Loretta returns yawn, spots Holly, chases Holly into evil wall, carries Holly, is blamed for Holly’s misfortune AGAIN, Steph doubts him AGAIN, doused in smoothie by random chavs, receives suspicious phone calls, goes out to buy a bottle of wine and doesn’t return, wallet abandoned, wakes up in a caravan with a random woman and child….what the?
Yes, we’ve got to hand it to Hollyoaks – we didn’t see that one coming. Gloriously random. Bravo.
into every generation…
There was a distinctly Buffy theme running through last week’s episodes:
Curses and spells
Newt tries to cast a protection spell in order to free Rae from her gypsy curse and, more importantly, cop a feel.
time travel
One moment Tony is in the hospital being subjected to passive aggressive shrieking by Cindy, the very next scene he is in Il Gnosh serving cheap plonk and overpriced steaks to an ill advised McQueen double date. The Hutch’s powers know no bounds.
rubbish psychics
Cindy went to see a psychic called Deborah who promptly said Holly was dead. Dead inside maybe.
annoying ghosts
Tina kicks off from beyond the grave when Myra tries to use her hairdryer. Even death hasn’t stopped her being a whingeful betch.
ghostly apparitions
A while back we asked you to imagine what it would be like to see Cindy’s haunted un-made up face at your window, but now you don’t have to imagine it – this nightmare scenario happened for real this week, a definitely flirting Tony and Theresa getting the fright of their lives when they caught Cindy staring at them through the doors of Il Gnosh. The horror.
party partay
Duncan’s pimped up sweet 16 party was noteable for many reasons: the Wonka theme (complete with Oompa loopas); Duncan’s glorious furry leopard print suit; a guest appearance by Chipmunk: who he?; Steve, the camp/predatory nonce producer man and Theresa using the phrase ‘no one’s wanted to touch my base before’.
random brand watch
Jacqui reads Woman’s Way magazine
in other news
Darren (swoon) offers medical help for Holly the Holby City-way – a Girls Aloud CD; the THIRD disappearance storyline in one week, Evil Leah torments Ste by legging it. Is retrieved by Josh; Josh and Ste bond over stories of rubbish father figures; Jack disses Darren’s childhood badger finding abilities. Bitch; Newt is drawing a pornographic novel; Hannah postcards from Fiji; not for the first time, Mercedes takes her fashion inspiration from prostitutes in the mid 1970s; Ricky’s miserablist dad is found face down in a plate of spaghetti.
That’s your lot. Still WTFing about the wall.
Tags:mercedes, Tina, newt, tony, cindy, holly, jake, ricky, rae, buffy, duncan, evil wall, time travel, gypsy curse, badger finding, 1970s prostitutes, fiji, pornographic novels, chipmunk, willy wonka
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March 2, 2010
We kickstarted the week with a feast of both today’s ch4 episode and E4′s first look.
holly-okay bored now
We are rapidly starting to wish they’d skip to the end with this storyline. Tony escaped the clutches of the pOlice with out so much of a sniff of Red Riding-style torture. Holly is still alive and, quite frankly, being a bit of a cow, with shit taste in TV and films (Will and Grace/Hannah Montana the movie anyone?). And now she’s on the lam again. Same old, same old.
The drama seems to be settling into a certain cycle, a circle of life, if you will: Cindy blames Tony who blames Darren who blames Tony who blames Cindy who blames Jake. During which at some point either Tony, Darren or Jake get punched.
Holly, love, either come home or do one, we haven’t got all year.
like, soo Hollyoaks
it all got a bit post modern, ‘Oaks-within-the-’Oaks when Holly’s last moments were recreated, complete with a gloriously brassy fake Cindy and a caught-in-a-tryst fake Tony and Theresa.
the horror
Cindy continued to go sans make up and a decent dye job. Imagine that face appearing at your window in the middle of the night. Just imagine it.
be still my beating womb
Holly’s disappearance ignited barren Jacqui’s latent baby fever, reminding her of baby Max’s AWOL status. Cue lots of shouting at Des and a face that could curdle petrol. Eek.
beware: ongoing ‘comedy’ storyline
Now we kind of like Sheila. We thought she was slightly too good for that geek ponce Elliot. But her appearance as the new Halls Inspector made our hearts sink. cue HILARITY as she discovers the squalor of the students’ flat. LOL as she embarks on a bizarro film student moment Ghost/pottery/hoovering liaison with Dave. HA HA HA as she gets pissed in the SU bar. Sigh.
pass the Charlie
if that kid doesn’t grow up to be some kind of hammer wielding, beard wearing psychopath then we’ll eat our lap top. Nancy first palms him off to a disinterested Elliot, who quickly hands him over to Jake. You know, the man who tried to kill him. Jake then takes him for a bleak afternoon in the park, which has all the hallmarks of ending up, once again, in a car garnished with a hose. Nancy then reappears to shriek at Jake (what an idiot btw) and reclaim the surely by now dead inside child.
And did you see the clock made of barbie doll heads in Nancy‘s flat? What other nightmarish home furnishings does she have? A coffee table made of dead seagulls?
steph smug cow alert
= tangerine. She and Tom smug it up in a sickly step mum/step child bonding sesh as a distraught Cindy looks on.
in other news
Jack wears a fetching asymmetric stripey jumper; we notice, not for the first time, how cute Zack’s wink is in the opening sequence; Archie (where has he been of late? We’ve missed him) rocks up at the SU bar with posh totty sluts Persia and Paris on his arm – the latter of whom is pilfered by Charlotte
Tags:archie, baby charlie, barbie dolls, cindy, darren, holly, jack, jake, nancy, posh totty sluts, steph smug cow alert, tony
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February 27, 2010
So, nursing a white wine hangover from a rowdy friday night, we caught the tail-end of the omnibus…
OMG – so Holly is alive and apparently living in Darren’s wardrobe. How Darren (swoon) hasn’t noticed his unexpected lodger is a mystery, but then his attention was probably focused on masterminding his fabulous white hoodie ensemble – a sight to behold.
Anyhoo, Holly’s aliveness-yet-suggested-deadness-in-the-flashforward gave the episode a doom-laden vibe – if something horrible is to happen to Holly then it is yet to occur.
As she half inched Darren’s food and watched the appeal for her whereabouts, everyone else was sucked into a vortex of misery and horror – rivers were dredged; Cindy went without makeup yet again (please, someone give the girl some slap); Jacqui was unable to blog and dirt dishing tabloid hacks sniffed around.
One said hack, a sloaney type called Merriel, was particularly enterprising – digging up Cindy‘s pramface/accidental ingestion of drugs/going on the run past, which poor Cindy had already been lamenting on.
There was worse in store for the Hutch though, his nonce-flavoured liaison with Theresa once more back on the agenda and Loretta giving damning evidence of his roughing up of Holly days before. As the episode drew to a close, wan-faced lady detective marched him off to the station and things were looking grim for our fave restauranteur.
Roll on next week!
in other news
MYEYES Gaz rocks up for sexy times with Lauren, armed with a pocket full of condoms. His plans are sadly/thankfully thwarted when Lauren invoke the ultimate mood killer – Spencer, who should be parachuted into all potential underage/unsavoury sex situations.
Tags:cindy, darren, gaz, holly, lauren, spencer, tony, wan faced lady detective
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February 26, 2010
and thus was Lauren’s verdict on the fate of Holly in tonight’s ch4 episode – “and I bet we know the killer”
So it’s day two of mini Cunningham’s disappearance and things are starting to get dark.
Cindy is going into meltdown, the glamorous hussy we know and love replaced with a haggard, hysterical wreck.
Darren (swoon) was on hand to help search for Holly in the spooky woodland that had suddenly appeared nearby. Not the dense woods where Warren buried Sean, or where Jake tried to kill Charlie. And not the cornfield/woods where Justin went on the run. A whole brand new kinda woods. Rich and varied is the Chester geography.
Anyhoo, Darren seemed distraught at the lack of Holly (the scene between him and Cindy – “In a perfect world…” – got us all lump in the throaty), which is more than can be said for Tony who continued to act in a thoroughly suspicious manner – objecting to his laptop being taken away, making ill-advised appeals on crack TV station Chester 1 News and trying to feed Cindy a very questionable looking smoked salmon sandwich.
Despite this (and we are yearning for the prospect of him being outed as a psychopath), wan-faced lady detective (so familiar – what else has she been in? Can’t be arsed to google it) and hot yet ineffective family liaison officer Carla have their sights set on one perp: mad bad Jake.
They’ve got a point. He is shiftier than a cat in a mouse’s bedroom. Did you see him standing moodily in the Standing Moodily spot (aka that pointless jetty infront of The Dog)?
AND – OMG – the genuinely spooky moment when Cindy called Holly’s phone and Jake answered!?!
But…now we know that Jake has his faults, being a wannabe rapist/child murderer and all, but this just isn’t his MO. We think he found the phone when he was out searching for Holly in the spooky woodland (admittedly, dressed a wannabe rapist) and was dumbass enough to answer it.
Our money’s still on the Hutch. But that’s just wishful thinking.
in other news
Frankie is dressed as a brass. Surely that must be the look she was going for?; Lauren and Gaz continue to take advantage of Spencer, like a goth/chav Fred & Rose West; Steph smug cow alert: beige. Even she couldn’t BTM a child disappearance; Ste and Newt continue to duel over Rae – less swords, more scally mind games. Yawn.
BTW – could the opening sequence be updated? Zoe and Hayley are still present, as is a gothed up Newt. So 2009. Sort it out.
Tags:chester 1 news, cindy, darren, fred and rose west, gaz, holly, jake, lauren, spencer, spooky woodland, standing moodily, steph, tony
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February 22, 2010
what with marathon training taking up our sunday mornings, we are going to try watching the ‘Oaks in the week. Which may require us to stop staying out and drinking so much red wine in Cafe Rouge. Can it be done?
Anyhoo, today we managed it and today we realised that while he was stealing underwear, 70s dance-offing, having deeply inappropriate fantasies about female relatives, pretending to be gay and eating A LOT, Duncan managed to worm his way into our affections.
Despite his embryonic Rhys-like perversions (the Ashworth’s seem to be a production line for sexual deviants) and his vague resemblance to a teenage Jabba the Hutt, we like him. Paticularly today, when he rather sweetly looked out for Ricky by hiding the secret of his homelife from that nosey minx Anita and by giving him a pair of trainers.
Aww, Duncan. There will no doubt soon be a time when you’ll be needing an alibi. We’ll be happy to provide you with one.
in other news
Dave is the other hero of the day, sticking up for wronged man Josh whilst an ex crack whore and a conspirator in a murder get all righteous on his ass; Il Gnosh is slagged by shock blogger Scarlett; THIS WEEK’S MAJOR PLOT OCCURENCE ALERT: Holly is not a happy bunny; Loretta is creepy and has oddly chubby cheeks; Dom attempts to poison Ravi with a putrid burger; since when has Cindy been running that tat shop?
film student moments
duncan, dave and india all trip out in the opening sequence; we get grim, sepia tinged flashbacks of Ricky’s homelife.
steph smug cow alert
it dawned on us tonight that approximately 92% of Steph’s purpose in Hollyoaks is to hang around in Mobs and gloat over the misfortunes of others. You know, from the comfort of the the business and small fortune she inherited from a man she was married to for all of 8.5 minutes.
Thus, today we witnessed her gloating over a child’s talent show failure and the very public, smoothie-splattered breakdown of the Hutchinson family.
smug cow alert: red
quotes
‘i’d rather drink me own wee’ Holly, on being offered one of Steph’s smoothies. Aptly put.
Tags:cafe rouge, cindy, dave, duncan, holly, il gnosh, jabba the hutt, marathon training, steph, steph smug cow alert
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February 6, 2010
Hello. There was a creeping sense of sameyness in this week’s omnibus.
here we go again
Hannahrexic lurched into her next life crisis thanks to the arrival in the village of her spotty drugdealing icecream man Hollyoaks Later boyf Jamie. This being a Hannah life crisis this meant hours of Hannah BTMing, shrieking and flouncing off and Rhys shouting, looking constipated and unleashing his fists of fury to zero effect. Yawn.
Jamie himself loitered round the village all week like a particularly annoying tramp. We don’t like him and we think he is up to no good. A suspect for Sasha’s mugging last week? You know it.
Another vaguely familiar aspect to this storyline was Rhys’ predictably inept attempts to rid the village of it’s Jamie-shaped presence. When fisticuffs didn’t work, he inexplicably recruited Darren (swoon) for a spot of failed drug entrapment and kidnapping/assault. High marks for effort, D- for execution.
deja voodoo
Other happenings where we’ve been there, done that was Sheila’s comedic attempts to provide Elliot with cheese on toast/study support (not to mention Elliot once again turning down the opportunity for sex with a hot woman) and Malachy’s ongoing passive aggressive (read: pussy whipped) schemes to unplug Mercedes and Calvin, these including hopping aboard the property ladder and reuniting Calvin with his ex-missus Carmel. He is either a total wuss or a machiavellian genius. We cannot decide which.
in other news
Ravi opens a boxing club for chavs. Given that his last venture into the boxing world resulted in a craniotomy we think this is a perfectly sensible course of action; Carmel is given a random perm by Frankie; for the ten minutes he is on screen, Duncan spent 9.5 of them talking about or eating food; Cindy and Steph get all competitive mum/stepmum by entering Holly and Tom into Chester’s Got Talent; Holly is neglected and sad. Boo : (
film student moment
Various characters in noir-ish card games; Elliot gets Star Trekked; Rocky montage
MYEARS
Tony speaks street
Carmel refs colonically irrigating Frankie and Leo. Eww.
Tags:carmel, Chester's got talent, cindy, colonic irrigation, craniotomy, darren, drug enabling, duncan, Elliot, entrapment, hannah, holly, hollyoaks later 2009, jamie, malachy, ravi, rhys, rocky montage, sheila, steph
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October 4, 2009
Knowing that NOTHING could possibly top Sarah’s spectacular demise, we tuned into episode 5 on 4OD wondering what they could pull out the hat…
greatest sleb cameo ever
Who needs half arsed appearances by McFly and The Saturdays when you can have Bonnie Tyler, the empress of powerballads no less, growling holding out for a hero in a demented dream sequence? Not us, thats for sure. If BT could only appear in our dreams to offer powerballad advice and spiritual guidance. IF ONLY.
what a beautiful wedding…
Despite Darren and poor barren Jacqui piping up at the lawful impediment/speak now bit, Tony and Cindy’s marriage went ahead. All seemed well, Mr Serial Monogamist had finally got hitched (again) and Cindy had changed her gold digging ways. That was until the initially inappropriate use of Panic at the Disco in the soundtrack was explained by Cindy’s twist in the tale, to the camera “suckers!”. Didn’t see that one coming. Yeah she’s a triflin’ friend indeed. Good luck Tony!
you got the love
Amazing cover of the Candi Staton classic by Florence and the machine at the end. Choon.
guns and drugs and stuff
The Skins-lite plot reached its climax at last. Via a brief but tense stand off at gunpoint, Rhys was released from the clutches of Kev and Blue, abandoning Imogen to her live of crack whoredom, and Hannah opted to stay with Jamie to live ‘the dream’. That is, until she discovered her new love’s ‘dream’ involved them being drug retailers and so she promptly flounced back to Chester. Poor Hannah, never had the best taste in men. And then she had the news of her bezzy mate Sarah’s squishing to come to home to. Not the best of days then.
the Lydia-is-psycho-plot thickens
While Sarah was being scraped off the field, Lydia was swiftly covering her tracks, spying on Zoe in various corridors, describing her as a sexual predator to the filth and then finally planting the incriminating swiss army knife in Zoe’s room before bloodily attempting to top herself. Zoe was meanwhile oblivious to the web that was being spun around her, instead finding time for some tearful grief sex with the DILF – is there any situation in life where Zoe DOESN’T end up having sex with someone? In any case, she was woefully off the ball when she was interrogated by a stern detective lady, and even more off the ball when she was later arrested and thrown in gaol. Ohdear. Could this be how Zoe leaves the ‘Oaks?
So that’s it, Later is over for another year. Can’t think of any ‘Oaksers who had a good time, infact an unhappy ending was pretty much had by all – but important life lessons were learnt we are sure. And that’s the important thing.
Tags:bonnie tyler, candi staton, cindy, DILF, film student moment, florence and the machine, grief sex, hollyoaks later, hollyoaks later 2009, lydia, panic at the disco, powerballads, skins, sleb cameos, stern detective lady, Zoe
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