Posts Tagged ‘cindy’
March 2, 2010
We kickstarted the week with a feast of both today’s ch4 episode and E4’s first look.
holly-okay bored now
We are rapidly starting to wish they’d skip to the end with this storyline. Tony escaped the clutches of the pOlice with out so much of a sniff of Red Riding-style torture. Holly is still alive and, quite frankly, being a bit of a cow, with shit taste in TV and films (Will and Grace/Hannah Montana the movie anyone?). And now she’s on the lam again. Same old, same old.
The drama seems to be settling into a certain cycle, a circle of life, if you will: Cindy blames Tony who blames Darren who blames Tony who blames Cindy who blames Jake. During which at some point either Tony, Darren or Jake get punched.
Holly, love, either come home or do one, we haven’t got all year.
like, soo Hollyoaks
it all got a bit post modern, ‘Oaks-within-the-’Oaks when Holly’s last moments were recreated, complete with a gloriously brassy fake Cindy and a caught-in-a-tryst fake Tony and Theresa.
the horror
Cindy continued to go sans make up and a decent dye job. Imagine that face appearing at your window in the middle of the night. Just imagine it.
be still my beating womb
Holly’s disappearance ignited barren Jacqui’s latent baby fever, reminding her of baby Max’s AWOL status. Cue lots of shouting at Des and a face that could curdle petrol. Eek.
beware: ongoing ‘comedy’ storyline
Now we kind of like Sheila. We thought she was slightly too good for that geek ponce Elliot. But her appearance as the new Halls Inspector made our hearts sink. cue HILARITY as she discovers the squalor of the students’ flat. LOL as she embarks on a bizarro film student moment Ghost/pottery/hoovering liaison with Dave. HA HA HA as she gets pissed in the SU bar. Sigh.
pass the Charlie
if that kid doesn’t grow up to be some kind of hammer wielding, beard wearing psychopath then we’ll eat our lap top. Nancy first palms him off to a disinterested Elliot, who quickly hands him over to Jake. You know, the man who tried to kill him. Jake then takes him for a bleak afternoon in the park, which has all the hallmarks of ending up, once again, in a car garnished with a hose. Nancy then reappears to shriek at Jake (what an idiot btw) and reclaim the surely by now dead inside child.
And did you see the clock made of barbie doll heads in Nancy’s flat? What other nightmarish home furnishings does she have? A coffee table made of dead seagulls?
steph smug cow alert
= tangerine. She and Tom smug it up in a sickly step mum/step child bonding sesh as a distraught Cindy looks on.
in other news
Jack wears a fetching asymmetric stripey jumper; we notice, not for the first time, how cute Zack’s wink is in the opening sequence; Archie (where has he been of late? We’ve missed him) rocks up at the SU bar with posh totty sluts Persia and Paris on his arm – the latter of whom is pilfered by Charlotte
Tags:archie, baby charlie, barbie dolls, cindy, darren, holly, jack, jake, nancy, posh totty sluts, steph smug cow alert, tony
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February 27, 2010
So, nursing a white wine hangover from a rowdy friday night, we caught the tail-end of the omnibus…
OMG – so Holly is alive and apparently living in Darren’s wardrobe. How Darren (swoon) hasn’t noticed his unexpected lodger is a mystery, but then his attention was probably focused on masterminding his fabulous white hoodie ensemble – a sight to behold.
Anyhoo, Holly’s aliveness-yet-suggested-deadness-in-the-flashforward gave the episode a doom-laden vibe – if something horrible is to happen to Holly then it is yet to occur.
As she half inched Darren’s food and watched the appeal for her whereabouts, everyone else was sucked into a vortex of misery and horror – rivers were dredged; Cindy went without makeup yet again (please, someone give the girl some slap); Jacqui was unable to blog and dirt dishing tabloid hacks sniffed around.
One said hack, a sloaney type called Merriel, was particularly enterprising – digging up Cindy’s pramface/accidental ingestion of drugs/going on the run past, which poor Cindy had already been lamenting on.
There was worse in store for the Hutch though, his nonce-flavoured liaison with Theresa once more back on the agenda and Loretta giving damning evidence of his roughing up of Holly days before. As the episode drew to a close, wan-faced lady detective marched him off to the station and things were looking grim for our fave restauranteur.
Roll on next week!
in other news
MYEYES Gaz rocks up for sexy times with Lauren, armed with a pocket full of condoms. His plans are sadly/thankfully thwarted when Lauren invoke the ultimate mood killer – Spencer, who should be parachuted into all potential underage/unsavoury sex situations.
Tags:cindy, darren, gaz, holly, lauren, spencer, tony, wan faced lady detective
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February 26, 2010
and thus was Lauren’s verdict on the fate of Holly in tonight’s ch4 episode – “and I bet we know the killer”
So it’s day two of mini Cunningham’s disappearance and things are starting to get dark.
Cindy is going into meltdown, the glamorous hussy we know and love replaced with a haggard, hysterical wreck.
Darren (swoon) was on hand to help search for Holly in the spooky woodland that had suddenly appeared nearby. Not the dense woods where Warren buried Sean, or where Jake tried to kill Charlie. And not the cornfield/woods where Justin went on the run. A whole brand new kinda woods. Rich and varied is the Chester geography.
Anyhoo, Darren seemed distraught at the lack of Holly (the scene between him and Cindy – “In a perfect world…” – got us all lump in the throaty), which is more than can be said for Tony who continued to act in a thoroughly suspicious manner – objecting to his laptop being taken away, making ill-advised appeals on crack TV station Chester 1 News and trying to feed Cindy a very questionable looking smoked salmon sandwich.
Despite this (and we are yearning for the prospect of him being outed as a psychopath), wan-faced lady detective (so familiar – what else has she been in? Can’t be arsed to google it) and hot yet ineffective family liaison officer Carla have their sights set on one perp: mad bad Jake.
They’ve got a point. He is shiftier than a cat in a mouse’s bedroom. Did you see him standing moodily in the Standing Moodily spot (aka that pointless jetty infront of The Dog)?
AND – OMG – the genuinely spooky moment when Cindy called Holly’s phone and Jake answered!?!
But…now we know that Jake has his faults, being a wannabe rapist/child murderer and all, but this just isn’t his MO. We think he found the phone when he was out searching for Holly in the spooky woodland (admittedly, dressed a wannabe rapist) and was dumbass enough to answer it.
Our money’s still on the Hutch. But that’s just wishful thinking.
in other news
Frankie is dressed as a brass. Surely that must be the look she was going for?; Lauren and Gaz continue to take advantage of Spencer, like a goth/chav Fred & Rose West; Steph smug cow alert: beige. Even she couldn’t BTM a child disappearance; Ste and Newt continue to duel over Rae – less swords, more scally mind games. Yawn.
BTW – could the opening sequence be updated? Zoe and Hayley are still present, as is a gothed up Newt. So 2009. Sort it out.
Tags:chester 1 news, cindy, darren, fred and rose west, gaz, holly, jake, lauren, spencer, spooky woodland, standing moodily, steph, tony
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February 22, 2010
what with marathon training taking up our sunday mornings, we are going to try watching the ‘Oaks in the week. Which may require us to stop staying out and drinking so much red wine in Cafe Rouge. Can it be done?
Anyhoo, today we managed it and today we realised that while he was stealing underwear, 70s dance-offing, having deeply inappropriate fantasies about female relatives, pretending to be gay and eating A LOT, Duncan managed to worm his way into our affections.
Despite his embryonic Rhys-like perversions (the Ashworth’s seem to be a production line for sexual deviants) and his vague resemblance to a teenage Jabba the Hutt, we like him. Paticularly today, when he rather sweetly looked out for Ricky by hiding the secret of his homelife from that nosey minx Anita and by giving him a pair of trainers.
Aww, Duncan. There will no doubt soon be a time when you’ll be needing an alibi. We’ll be happy to provide you with one.
in other news
Dave is the other hero of the day, sticking up for wronged man Josh whilst an ex crack whore and a conspirator in a murder get all righteous on his ass; Il Gnosh is slagged by shock blogger Scarlett; THIS WEEK’S MAJOR PLOT OCCURENCE ALERT: Holly is not a happy bunny; Loretta is creepy and has oddly chubby cheeks; Dom attempts to poison Ravi with a putrid burger; since when has Cindy been running that tat shop?
film student moments
duncan, dave and india all trip out in the opening sequence; we get grim, sepia tinged flashbacks of Ricky’s homelife.
steph smug cow alert
it dawned on us tonight that approximately 92% of Steph’s purpose in Hollyoaks is to hang around in Mobs and gloat over the misfortunes of others. You know, from the comfort of the the business and small fortune she inherited from a man she was married to for all of 8.5 minutes.
Thus, today we witnessed her gloating over a child’s talent show failure and the very public, smoothie-splattered breakdown of the Hutchinson family.
smug cow alert: red
quotes
‘i’d rather drink me own wee’ Holly, on being offered one of Steph’s smoothies. Aptly put.
Tags:cafe rouge, cindy, dave, duncan, holly, il gnosh, jabba the hutt, marathon training, steph, steph smug cow alert
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February 6, 2010
Hello. There was a creeping sense of sameyness in this week’s omnibus.
here we go again
Hannahrexic lurched into her next life crisis thanks to the arrival in the village of her spotty drugdealing icecream man Hollyoaks Later boyf Jamie. This being a Hannah life crisis this meant hours of Hannah BTMing, shrieking and flouncing off and Rhys shouting, looking constipated and unleashing his fists of fury to zero effect. Yawn.
Jamie himself loitered round the village all week like a particularly annoying tramp. We don’t like him and we think he is up to no good. A suspect for Sasha’s mugging last week? You know it.
Another vaguely familiar aspect to this storyline was Rhys’ predictably inept attempts to rid the village of it’s Jamie-shaped presence. When fisticuffs didn’t work, he inexplicably recruited Darren (swoon) for a spot of failed drug entrapment and kidnapping/assault. High marks for effort, D- for execution.
deja voodoo
Other happenings where we’ve been there, done that was Sheila’s comedic attempts to provide Elliot with cheese on toast/study support (not to mention Elliot once again turning down the opportunity for sex with a hot woman) and Malachy’s ongoing passive aggressive (read: pussy whipped) schemes to unplug Mercedes and Calvin, these including hopping aboard the property ladder and reuniting Calvin with his ex-missus Carmel. He is either a total wuss or a machiavellian genius. We cannot decide which.
in other news
Ravi opens a boxing club for chavs. Given that his last venture into the boxing world resulted in a craniotomy we think this is a perfectly sensible course of action; Carmel is given a random perm by Frankie; for the ten minutes he is on screen, Duncan spent 9.5 of them talking about or eating food; Cindy and Steph get all competitive mum/stepmum by entering Holly and Tom into Chester’s Got Talent; Holly is neglected and sad. Boo : (
film student moment
Various characters in noir-ish card games; Elliot gets Star Trekked; Rocky montage
MYEARS
Tony speaks street
Carmel refs colonically irrigating Frankie and Leo. Eww.
Tags:carmel, Chester's got talent, cindy, colonic irrigation, craniotomy, darren, drug enabling, duncan, Elliot, entrapment, hannah, holly, hollyoaks later 2009, jamie, malachy, ravi, rhys, rocky montage, sheila, steph
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October 4, 2009
Knowing that NOTHING could possibly top Sarah’s spectacular demise, we tuned into episode 5 on 4OD wondering what they could pull out the hat…
greatest sleb cameo ever
Who needs half arsed appearances by McFly and The Saturdays when you can have Bonnie Tyler, the empress of powerballads no less, growling holding out for a hero in a demented dream sequence? Not us, thats for sure. If BT could only appear in our dreams to offer powerballad advice and spiritual guidance. IF ONLY.
what a beautiful wedding…
Despite Darren and poor barren Jacqui piping up at the lawful impediment/speak now bit, Tony and Cindy’s marriage went ahead. All seemed well, Mr Serial Monogamist had finally got hitched (again) and Cindy had changed her gold digging ways. That was until the initially inappropriate use of Panic at the Disco in the soundtrack was explained by Cindy’s twist in the tale, to the camera “suckers!”. Didn’t see that one coming. Yeah she’s a triflin’ friend indeed. Good luck Tony!
you got the love
Amazing cover of the Candi Staton classic by Florence and the machine at the end. Choon.
guns and drugs and stuff
The Skins-lite plot reached its climax at last. Via a brief but tense stand off at gunpoint, Rhys was released from the clutches of Kev and Blue, abandoning Imogen to her live of crack whoredom, and Hannah opted to stay with Jamie to live ‘the dream’. That is, until she discovered her new love’s ‘dream’ involved them being drug retailers and so she promptly flounced back to Chester. Poor Hannah, never had the best taste in men. And then she had the news of her bezzy mate Sarah’s squishing to come to home to. Not the best of days then.
the Lydia-is-psycho-plot thickens
While Sarah was being scraped off the field, Lydia was swiftly covering her tracks, spying on Zoe in various corridors, describing her as a sexual predator to the filth and then finally planting the incriminating swiss army knife in Zoe’s room before bloodily attempting to top herself. Zoe was meanwhile oblivious to the web that was being spun around her, instead finding time for some tearful grief sex with the DILF – is there any situation in life where Zoe DOESN’T end up having sex with someone? In any case, she was woefully off the ball when she was interrogated by a stern detective lady, and even more off the ball when she was later arrested and thrown in gaol. Ohdear. Could this be how Zoe leaves the ‘Oaks?
So that’s it, Later is over for another year. Can’t think of any ‘Oaksers who had a good time, infact an unhappy ending was pretty much had by all – but important life lessons were learnt we are sure. And that’s the important thing.
Tags:bonnie tyler, candi staton, cindy, DILF, film student moment, florence and the machine, grief sex, hollyoaks later, hollyoaks later 2009, lydia, panic at the disco, powerballads, skins, sleb cameos, stern detective lady, Zoe
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October 3, 2009
So, without much further ado…
serious storyline 1: the impending Lydia-is-a-psycho plot
This plot bubbled away nicely, with Lydia displaying some pleasingly psychotic symptoms – telling Zoe that Sarah tried to top herself after last year’s lez action, and having illicit sniffs off Sarah’s underwear. Ledge.
The most surprising development was Gilly reverting to back to his former chav scum self. As somone who once displayed a nasty streak a mile wide(you may remember his vigilante abuse of falsely accused nonce Simon a few years ago) he had simmadowned and became something of a sweetheart of late.
Being on the trail of Steph’s skanky minge seems to have shortcircuted his brain however, and he took umbrage at constantly being outdone by love rival and good egg Fernando, resorting to throwing the spanish omlette’s rucksack (along with Steph’s anti-fit pills) in the lake. Shame on you Gilly, not good form at all!
As a result, Steph and her two suitors headed home, leaving the quasi lesbian love triangle to battle it out. And then there were three…
comedy storyline 1: the McQueens go to LDN
Things were going well for Theresa’s fledgling glamour model career, at her first gig for Miss Sixteen magazine with sleazy photographer and Evil Southerner Wayne. Then Jacqui and Carmel literally kicked their way in, McQueen stylee, and fucked it right up. Ah well. Amateur porn’s loss is our gain.
Things of note:
- “Eau de twat” – Michaela’s suggestion for a Theresa-themed perfume
- 6 types of biscuits and a coke with an umbrella in it – Michaela approves of the perks of the photoshoot
- Jacqui questions the value of £8 for two pasties. Things cost more in London doncha know.
serious storyline 2: the Ashworth’s go to a festival and meet some dangerous types in a plot that is not-at-all-like-something-out-of-Skins
This plot went ever deeper into Skins territory, with skanky/hot slut duo Jamie and Imogen leading the Ashworth’s to a 24 hour rave/squat/brothel ruled by evil northerner Kev and rotund lackey Blue. All things seemed happy clappy until Hannah discovered that pretty Jamie is infact a drug dealing icecream man. What were the chances of that eh? After some initial squawking, Hannah was soon on board with this though and before you could say ‘cautionary tale’ she and Rhys had been tipped into pretentious trance dancer land - popping pills and talking shit. While they were doing this and getting the shags in (see below) a non-pilled up and instead drunk Josh was getting punched and covered in piss (also see below). Drugs=happy days, then.
Things of note:
- Hannah has very pretty eyebrows.
- Jamie is very pretty also
- Captain Wafer – the name of Jame’s icecream/drugs van
comedy storyline 2: Cindy and Tony’s wedding
Yeah, this trundled on, Tony and Dom having the same argument (about Tony not really loving Cindy and Tony being pleased at being likened to an onion in Dom’s best man speech blah blah blah) for about 20 minutes. Thankfully, Darren was soon installed as best man (error, as he had smuggled a drunken Tony onto the back of a truck before the night was out, with the help of a brass called Sadie) and Dom was getting it on with a crazy posh bird called Emma (a fine name if we do say so ourselves). Savannah meanwhile had sussed Cindy’s scam, using the trusty medium of text to get the truth out of Darren. We like Savannah, she’s scrappy.
Things of note:
- continuity error – Darren texts of his love for Cindy in lowercase, but when Savannah reads it it’s in uppercase
- Darren wears some fabulous pink trousers
Later naughtiness
7 mins Hannah references dogging
19 mins Savannah says ‘bastard’ in a boozy spain flashback
28 mins Josh says ’shit’
29 mins “Swimming, slimming, rimming…” Josh ‘free forms’
36 mins Josh says ‘fuck’ repeatedly and then gets showered in piss when his stint at the festival goes horrifically wrong
37 mins Fernando says ‘bullshit’ repeatedly, once via a megaphone
39 mins Ashworth swearfest: Josh says ‘pints of piss’, Rhys says ’shit happens’ and Hannah calls Rhys a ’selfish prick’
40 mins Josh dismisses the Skins-types as ’synthetic tossers’
42 mins Josh dismisses the Skins-alike storyline as ‘knobsville’
43 mins Jacqui sprays perfume up her minge. Eau de twat, huhuhuhuh
48 mins Jacqui says ‘twat’
59 mins Savannah says ‘up shit creek’
The episode culminated in an icky shagfest, where Dom, Hannah and Rhys all got it on with their paramours (the latter dogged by leering fatty Blue). Rhys nekkid and sexfacing….so very wrong.
Episode 2 then – more profanity and some last minute sex. Things are getting better…bring on episode 3!
Tags:blue, chavs, cindy, darren, emma, evil northerner, evil southerners, fernando, gilly, hannah, hollyoaks later, hollyoaks later 2009, Josh, kev, lezzing it up, lydia, miss sixteen, rhys, sarah, savannah, steph, text, tony, wayne, Zoe
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September 30, 2009
So here we are again – spin off time! Last year we had Vile Niall (RIP – sob) raising hell in scotland, Sarah and Zoe indulging in illicit lez action, Mercy and Mal’s Team HIV wedding and Josh being a bit of a twat. What delights does the Later Hollyverse have to offer us this time?
As ever, there is a quartet of storylines:
serious storyline 1: the impending Lydia-is-a-psycho plot
Yep this one has been a-brewing for a while, with jealous, rodent faced Myra Hindley tribute act Lydia gatecrashing an action holiday starring Sarah, Zoe, Steph, Fernando and Gilly.
Thinks of note:
- Has Steph always been such a rampant homophobe? Bitch
- Gilly. Swoon.
- Staff Kingsley: a less fun rip off of Mike/Spaced
- Loved when Lydia appeared at the camp, bathed in eerie moonlight, just as Gilly was telling a scary story. Unsubtle yet still very apt.
comedy storyline 1: the McQueens go to LDN
Michaela and Theresa head to our fair capital to pursue Theresa’s burgeoning career as a tom/glamour model and to visit Theresa’s scally mum in prison. It was a mixed bag of fortunes – Theresa got a gig with Miss Sixteen magazine but then they also got in a fight with a tramp and ended up spending the night in some no doubt fragrant public lavs. The lord gives and he takes away. Still, Jacqui and Carmel are hot footing it to the rescue. Hurrah!
Things of note:
- Love Jacqui’s prostitute-chic PVC minge-height boots. Amaze
- Quote: “you’ve got a mum in prison and you’re from the north” angry Londoner receptionist lady clocks Theresa’s X-Factor sobstory immediately
serious storyline 2: the Ashworth’s go to a festival and meet some dangerous types in a plot that is not-at-all-like-something-out-of-Skins
Our fave sibling group consisting of an incesticider, annoying indie landfill troll and an anorexic headed to a random brand musical festival by the sea and were promptly targetted by sinister posho cokeheads Jamie and Imogen. Remember kids: drugs ARE BAD mkay?
Things of note:
- We HATE Rhys. It never lessens, only grows
comedy storyline 2: Cindy and Tony’s wedding
After some unexpected declarations of love from poor barreness Jacqui and a spot of comedy violence (see below), Tony and Cindy headed off to a very big house in the country to get hitched, with Holly, Dom, Darren and Cindy’s random chav mate Savannah.
Things of note:
- Jacqui and Cindy’s girly fight was truly grim – the least erotic girlfight ever caught on film
- Cindy needs to get her roots done, big time
- We learn Savannah once used Holly as a drugs mule. Rather enterprising we say.
- Darren surpassed all previous heights of fashion greatness with a cap-on-sideways, big silver chain and shiny silver tracky top ensemble. Lersh.
- Quote: “Darren: even the name says can of lager” harsh but true comment from Savannah
Later naughtiness
It is a law of the Hollyoaks’ spinoff that characters suddenly start using swearwords and flashing the odd bumcheek or boob. So, as with Hollyoaks Later 2008, here is tonight’s offerings blow by blow, so to speak:
26 mins Jacqui says “bitch”
32 mins Rhys says “arse”
46 mins Jacqui says “bloody”
Not much swearing and no nudity, violence, sex or rapeage (as yet) but still a decent enough start. Lydia is shaping up to be a good psycho, so roll on episode 2!
Tags:carmel, cindy, darren, drug enabling, fernando, gilly, hannah, holly, hollyoaks later, hollyoaks later 2009, imogen, indie landfill, jacqui, jamie, Josh, london, lydia, michaela, minge height boots, miss sixteen, random brands, random obnoxious indie band troll, random working class chavs, sarah, savannah, skins, spaced, swinging london, theresa, tony, Zoe
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August 30, 2009
As we’re out and about today (sunday roast then counting the hours until Wuthering Heights on ITV1 – half the cast from The Take, tabloid gossip fodder and – in our heads – soundtracked by Kate Bush, what’s not to love?) we tuned in to yesterday’s E4 omnibus…
the neverending storyline
After the high drama of last week we thought Ste would be entitled to a break from baby Lucas-related stress. We were so very wrong. Now homeless and at the mercy of the pitiless self righteousness of the DILF and Sarah, poor Ste had to contend with even more head fuckage as Abi, clearly suffering from womb-mania, reappeared to get her psychotic mitts on baby L, and scary eyed Daniel made a glowering return.
Happily, Ste saw sense and finally told them both to go packing. Daniel and Abi took this as a chance for some husband and wife heart to hearting and were reunited (we are assuming that all the baby trafficking was just an elaborate form of couple’s therapy). Now Ste has relinquished his son to the dubious care of the DILF (who did nothing but whinge about it) and is now ensconced in Tony’s pad when FINALLY someone took pity on in. Poor pretty little Ste.
Btw: our question from last week was answered – Leah also lives with the DILF. But we are now left with even bigger question: her son has narrowly escaped being farmed out to some smug Guardian reading dickwads (you just know John and Sandy liked KT Tunstall), but does this compell Amy to return? NO! What a cow.
hell hath no fury…
She may look like a ferret who has just stumbled out of an indie club in Camden, but there is defo more evil to Lydia than meets the eye. Dumped by Sarah who tired of her high maintenanceness (and yes, we noted the irony of this), our fave rodent lesbian did not take the news well, espesh when denied some rebound hate sex by ex girlf, and something of a good egg Charlotte. And this is in light of the OMG news that she is going to get vengeful on Sarah’s ass by taking out supposed love rival Zoe via some skydiving sabotage.
Ahh, we haven’t had any incompetent revenge murders since the heady days of Vile Niall. We can’t wait!
she’s a nonce, a facking NONCE!
Her days may be numbered, but Zoe is still intent on making her mark on the world of filmmaking, depsite being minus one degree. Enterprising as ever, she has now chosen to pursue a career in the soft porn industry, going for a job at local smut channel Buff TV. As a result she had something of a surreal week, one minute filming busty beauties, the next contending with Nancy’s sqeaking feminist outrage, the next demanding that Archie film her in her undies (bro-sis sexual tension has been lacking in the ‘Oaks for a good while now). She is now adding noncing to the list, using distinctly underage – yet disturbingly hot – Theresa in her naughty films. Tut tut.
aspirational stuff:
As ever Hollyoaks is keen to inspire ambition and entrepreneurial endeavour by showing its characters strive for enviable careers: actress and top model/brass (Theresa), administrator of the Tan’n'Tumble (Loretta) and embryonic pornographer/pimp (Zoe). Who needs careers advisors eh?
in other news:
It’s GCSE results time and the young ‘uns break into school to get a first look and to homage 8Os John Hughes films; Newt’s results bring a mixed bag of “rewards” – a congratulatory text from rubbish social worker, blanked by his skanky crack whore mother and packed off on a week’s holiday in Spain with Frankie. Umm…; Jack is a miserable fucker, as usual; Darren’s latest scheme to get his hands on the Dog involves sabotaging poor Dom’s cooking and poisoning most of the customers; Cindy and Tony decide to get married. Aww; gone are the happy clappy Wrigleys kids, the ‘Oaks is now accompanied by Load and Go nerds Matt and Sam. We like them. They are pretty.
film student moments
A bizarre game of metaphorical chess involving Darren, Cindy, Tony and Hannah.
A Miss Hollyoaks 2009 pageant involving Zoe, Loretta and Cindy.
quotes
“Ooh Sarah – you know all about degredation” Nancy calls in the big guns for her anti Zoe-pornography protest.
“I don’t mind sleeping with someone to get the gig” Theresa gets ambitious re. her dreams of being a pole dancing/actress/top model/brass.
Tags:abi, Amy, aspirational, baby lucas, charlotte, cindy, daniel, darren, john hughes, load and go Matt and Sam, loretta, lydia, Mike/DILF, nonce and fiddle, rubbish social worker, sarah, ste, theresa, Zoe
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June 28, 2009
After last week’s hangover debacle that left us projectile vomiting and unable to watch the ‘Oaks, it was a joy indeed to be out of bed, bright eyed and bushy tailed, to catch the action today on T4.
Not the most OMGing of weeks, but compelling nonetheless – mostly because the ‘Oakers seemed to be divided into those who had a good week and those who totally didn’t:
Bad week for:
Ravi
Diagnosed with an aneurysm in his noggin. Unlucky.
Darren
Ditched by Cindy, stood up by Theresa, constantly berated by Steph and generally a laughing stock for all. Still, sported a fetching line in leopard print shirts. Swoon.
Sleazy lecturer man
Covered in poo. Hurrah.
Caleb
Going on Colonel Kurtz ahead of his return to Afghanistan (Still no need to pick on Ravi though!)
Our eyes
Having to witness a post coitus Archie and Myra in the end bit. Nightmarish.
Good week for:
Cindy
Finally got her mitts on Tony’s Il Gnosh for some very unsanitary sex in the kitchen.
Zoe
Okay, she might be degree-less but she did look very pretty at the ball
Zack
Got a first. Bless!
Leila and Elliot
Pregnancy: nay declarations of love: yay
Newt
First Lauren, then Anita, our fave emo is now up to a spot of illicit romancing with Theresa. Not the most obvious stud but we can roll with it.
In other news:
Cellar poisoner plumbers missing – fairly nonsensical headline of the Chester Herald; random brand beer watch – Caleb enjoys a can of Weisbrau; HMS Bad Idea – Archie’s nautical analogy for Zoe’s plan to fess up to her parents; Mrs Fisher arrives in the village for Kris’ graduation
Hollyoaksistan
Best FSM in an age – Caleb describes a nightmare scenario of a war-torn village, complete with a nuked Drive’n'Buy and a dead Tony. Effective, gut wrenching stuff.
Tags:archie, caleb, cindy, darren, Elliot, film student moment, il gnosh, leila, myra, newt, random brand beer, ravi, sleazy lecturer, the omnibus, unsanitary sex, Zoe
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