S’up! So, besides some minor dramatic developments re. the McQueens winning the bingo/hosting the shittest house party ever/possibly getting evicted (honestly, can’t some freak typhoon cull half of them?), Lauren and Gaz v Leo, and Josh still being a social pariah, the only thing of note to report on last week’s Hollyoaks was that it featured the GREATEST EPISODE EVER. Like, ever.
Yes, it was only a matter of time before two of our fave characters crossed the streams of awesomeness, and that would be: Darren and Duncan, together at last.
Mmm hmm for reasons unknown (or possibly explained at the end of this blog*) Darren – swoon – decided to take the embryonic sex offender under his win in order to help him bag a mini Mcqueen to be his sweet 16/MTV freakshow date.
What followed was utter genius and gave us valuable insight into Darren’s beautiful mind, which is why we felt the only way to do it justice was simply to repeat it verbatim:
“You’re a confident male peacock” Darren’s going out mantra. The mantra that should be used by us all. The men anyway. And maybe even the ladies.
“They don’t need fairies…they need men. Big sexy men. Trust me, I’m one of them” Darren , on what women want.
“There are 3 types of men: super mean and super keen. Be the first one” more Frank Mackey-style insights from Osborne Jnr.
“Welcome to the pink palace” Darren’s opening statement on entering his pokey flat. Love. It.
“You are my god” Duncan to Darren on seeing his gallery of Facebook beauties/sex workers. Yep, you said it Dunc.
And then there was Darren’s Henry Higgins-eque guide to attracting the fairer sex:
Rule no. 1: “Treat women like women – step up and be a man”
Rule no 2: indulge in facials and cucumber eye treatments
Rule no 3: be over confident
Rule no 6b: embrace your inner peacock
Rule number 8: first bite between the eyes. Maybe we misheard this one. We don’t get it. Any alternative interpretations are most welcome.
Young Duncan was at first ambivalent to the golden standard advice being dished out, refusing highlights and calling Darren a ‘wazzock’. However he eventually he succumbed, showing up at the Mcqueen’s in a Darren-lite outfit of goatee, gelles hair, chains and shiny siilver leapoard print suite. And did it work re. getting hims some actiom? Damn straight it did.
So, Darren’s credentials as a life coach/pimp were vindicated, and, after a brief admission of loneliness (sob!) was rewarded with a prolonged hug from MILF Suzanne*, the resulting leer causing even sister shagger Rhys to grimace.
Darren, we love you. We really do.
Ps – did you see Darren’s own outfit, namely the zebra shoes, pink pants, pink leopard print shirt and white jacket combo? OH EM GEE.
March 22, 2010 at 12:15 am |
Well it certainly worked on Myra who liked what she saw when Duncan showed up. I’ll work on embracing my inner peacock too from the girl side since I’m not a guy. What is it with Darren and teens anyway? I guess they have the same mental maturity.
March 29, 2010 at 9:22 pm |
darren’s wisdom transcends all age barriers, hence he has the mental maturity of us all.