we love hollyoaks

Hollyoaks is nothing if ambitious and so after skydiving deaths, alter ego stand-offs and numerous film student moments, the ‘Oaks has given us the special flashforward episode set in May 2010, where stacked hottie and rightful Strictly champion Calvin was gunned down in his prime.

OMG!

It was something of a head scratcher, raising a whole heap of questions that we can now spend the next five months trying to answer, the main one being, of course, whodunnit?

We can’t wait to see what Calvin has done to fuck off so many people, as the menu of suspects ranged from the expected to the rather random (many of whom were helpfully summarised in the end bit). In no specific order:

Mercedes
Our verdict: whilst hell hath no fury like a vag scorned we cannot believe that she would rid the world of a functioning man truncheon. No chance.

Malachy
Our verdict: he wasted the opportunity for Jackie Jackson-style bestman speech, so we’re not convinced he has that killer instinct. Unless he was planning to drown Calvin in a pool of his anguished tears. Wuss.

Sasha
Our verdict: maybe. If she found out that Calvin abandoned her beloved Warren to his fiery/mirror fate she would get the right hump. Sulky mare.

Spencer
Our verdict: please. If Spencer got a gun he’d end up shooting himself in the face.

Lauren
Our verdict: Lauren can be one vindictive goth when she wants to be. Can’t believe she’d whack her own brother though.

Jacqui
Our verdict: Meh. She may have been full of righteous fury at Mercy and Calvin’s affair, but if she moidered every person Mercedes shagged who she shouldn’t then there would be barely a person left alive.

Zack
Our verdict: despite the face punchy aggro (which seemed to involve Des somehow too), we think Zack is a bit too mild mannered to indulge in gun crime.

Leo
Our verdict: get all Darth Vader on his son’s ass? Mebbees. He’s always been a bit shifty.

Michaela and Theresa
Our verdict: a random factor, but we could roll with it.

Jake
Our verdict: got form as a psycho. Is a disgruntled ex-employee. Why not.

Kris and Cheryl
Our verdict: Nah. A simple bullet in the heart wouldn’t be a flamboyant enough MO for these two. Any murderous scheme of theirs would involve swans, dry ice and Kate Bush.

Rhys
Our verdict: our wild card. Rhys hasn’t done anything interesting for years, so it would be about time. He and Calvin shared an odd exchange about a secret and, knowing Rhys, the mind can only boggle at the sexual deviancy he could be involved in now.

Or, it could be someone completely off piste: Claire (why not? it’s usually her); Baby Leah; crazy alchie Louise returns; Holly with a champagne cork (this one is courtesy of a Twitter friend of WLH), Mark Gasgoyne; Bonnie Tyler in another cameo…. or Carmel, vengeful after discovering her man’s cheating ways?

Other questions:
What has happened to Holly? Is she dead? Did Cindy swap her for a Gucci bag?

Do they really expect us to believe the Loft will still be standing in 5 months time? Really? Under  the increasingly inept management of Calvin, Mercy, Mal, Sasha and Spencer we are surprised it hasn’t burnt to the ground already. Again.

Why is the future all smokey? We imagine that’s how the world looks during the early stages of cataracts.

Where were Hannah, Newt, the Roys, Steph, Frankie, Jack, Zoe, Lydia etc? (perhaps the latter two have death matched each other by then)

Why was Suzanne there and no Nev?

Where exactly would ANYONE in the village get their hands on a gun? Eastenders they aint.

Now, Carmel and Calvin’s Dirty Dancing tribute/debacle was hardly a sell out, so unless the killer was hidden half a mile away, sniper style, then surely someone would have seen said killer?

We think this is a case for CSI: Chester.

So many questions *head explodes*. Loved it. Roll on May 2010, when, we were assured, the truth will out. Yay.