flash ah ahhh

December 23, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

Hollyoaks is nothing if ambitious and so after skydiving deaths, alter ego stand-offs and numerous film student moments, the ‘Oaks has given us the special flashforward episode set in May 2010, where stacked hottie and rightful Strictly champion Calvin was gunned down in his prime.

OMG!

It was something of a head scratcher, raising a whole heap of questions that we can now spend the next five months trying to answer, the main one being, of course, whodunnit?

We can’t wait to see what Calvin has done to fuck off so many people, as the menu of suspects ranged from the expected to the rather random (many of whom were helpfully summarised in the end bit). In no specific order:

Mercedes
Our verdict: whilst hell hath no fury like a vag scorned we cannot believe that she would rid the world of a functioning man truncheon. No chance.

Malachy
Our verdict:
he wasted the opportunity for Jackie Jackson-style bestman speech, so we’re not convinced he has that killer instinct. Unless he was planning to drown Calvin in a pool of his anguished tears. Wuss.

Sasha
Our verdict: maybe. If she found out that Calvin abandoned her beloved Warren to his fiery/mirror fate she would get the right hump. Sulky mare.

Spencer
Our verdict: please. If Spencer got a gun he’d end up shooting himself in the face.

Lauren
Our verdict: Lauren can be one vindictive goth when she wants to be. Can’t believe she’d whack her own brother though.

Jacqui
Our verdict: Meh. She may have been full of righteous fury at Mercy and Calvin’s affair, but if she moidered every person Mercedes shagged who she shouldn’t then there would be barely a person left alive.

Zack
Our verdict: despite the face punchy aggro (which seemed to involve Des somehow too), we think Zack is a bit too mild mannered to indulge in gun crime.

Leo
Our verdict:
get all Darth Vader on his son’s ass? Mebbees. He’s always been a bit shifty.

Michaela and Theresa
Our verdict:
a random factor, but we could roll with it.

Jake
Our verdict:
got form as a psycho. Is a disgruntled ex-employee. Why not.

Kris and Cheryl
Our verdict: Nah. A simple bullet in the heart wouldn’t be a flamboyant enough MO for these two. Any murderous scheme of theirs would involve swans, dry ice and Kate Bush.

Rhys
Our verdict: our wild card. Rhys hasn’t done anything interesting for years, so it would be about time. He and Calvin shared an odd exchange about a secret and, knowing Rhys, the mind can only boggle at the sexual deviancy he could be involved in now.

Or, it could be someone completely off piste: Claire (why not? it’s usually her); Baby Leah; crazy alchie Louise returns; Holly with a champagne cork (this one is courtesy of a Twitter friend of WLH), Mark Gasgoyne; Bonnie Tyler in another cameo…. or Carmel, vengeful after discovering her man’s cheating ways?

Other questions:
What has happened to Holly? Is she dead? Did Cindy swap her for a Gucci bag?

Do they really expect us to believe the Loft will still be standing in 5 months time? Really? Under  the increasingly inept management of Calvin, Mercy, Mal, Sasha and Spencer we are surprised it hasn’t burnt to the ground already. Again.

Why is the future all smokey? We imagine that’s how the world looks during the early stages of cataracts.

Where were Hannah, Newt, the Roys, Steph, Frankie, Jack, Zoe, Lydia etc? (perhaps the latter two have death matched each other by then)

Why was Suzanne there and no Nev?

Where exactly would ANYONE in the village get their hands on a gun? Eastenders they aint.

Now, Carmel and Calvin’s Dirty Dancing tribute/debacle was hardly a sell out, so unless the killer was hidden half a mile away, sniper style, then surely someone would have seen said killer?

We think this is a case for CSI: Chester.

So many questions *head explodes*. Loved it. Roll on May 2010, when, we were assured, the truth will out. Yay.

pre-flashness

December 21, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

So, the episode preceding the ‘Oaks muchly anticipated ‘flashforward’ wasn’t much of a muchness:

  • Hannah’s anorexia has blates returned. This is obvious because her one symptom is back: the anorexia forehead spot. Uh oh.
  • Ricky and the other one were involved in yet another money making scam. Like Josh and Fletch before them, Bombhead and Lee before them and Max and OB before them. Get the feeling we’ve been here before? Yawn.
  • The sexy santa competition at The Dog was noteable for: Darren looking fetching in a uber camp santa costume (courtesy of Nev the racist/in the closet dad); Cheryl’s ever present santa camel toe; Calvin and Mercy’s very public snog
  • Malachy continued to take his wife’s infidelity like a big jessie, necking white wine and being a litter nuisance
  • Blissfully unaware of her hubbie’s heartbreak, Mercy was at her brazen, slagbagiest best – all ass, skimpy santa costume and gagging for itness.
  • Needless to say, she and Calvin were at it again before the episode was over. Can’t say we blame them

long time no see

December 21, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

Been off the grid for a while now (resolution for 2010: need a better work/Hollyoaks balance) but now we’re back for what is shaping up to be a tasty festive season for the ‘Oaks. So without much further ado: yesterday’s omnibus….

will they or wont they? Er, yes, they will

After weeks and weeks of fairly unsubtle flirting, Calvin and vacuum vag Mercy finally succumbed to their lustful urges, getting hot and at it in the Loft as a horrified Malachy looked on. Oops. Always lock the door people. ALWAYS LOCK THE DOOR. How will Mal react to such cuckoldry? Burst in there and tear the cheating pair new ones? Or scamper off to weep in an alleyway? Oh.

anita’s WEB OF LIEEEEES continues

Yep, the mini Roy’s career as tall tale teller continued this week, her porkie about being on the receiving end of some unwelcome MDMA courtesy of bug eyed student twat Dave resulting in his social pariahdom.

Now, as we’re sure you know, we have never been the biggest fans of Dave (if ever someone was need in a good kicking it was him) but even he didn’t deserve to be run out of Mobs by some judgemental proles.

So, false accusations of drug enabling and faked anorexia, failure to lose her V-plates with Dave and Ricky (you may remember her icky attempt to seduce him, dressed as Sandy when she turned into  slut in Grease)…just what is the point of Anita? To be the most annoying Hollyoaks character EVER?

Anyhoo, she may have met her match in the BTM stakes, having been targeted for counselling by uber drama queen Kris. Yikes.

the messers become the messees
Over at the Barnes household, things are getting a little bit odd and complicated. Zoe knows that Lydia is madder than a box of hammers and killed Sarah. Lydia knows she knows. And Zoe knows Lydia knows she knows. We think. Actually we’re not that sure what’s going on. Charlotte is clearly bewildered by it all, spending most episodes looking like a stunned panda. We feel your pain, Charlotte.

Btw, such skulduggery seems to suit Lydia. She is looking kinda…dare we say it…hot?

MYEYES!!!!
Frankie parties like its 1999 in a figure hugging, strapless blue sequinned dress. Ew. Frankie’s breasts have been causing much mental pain of late – PLEASE, FRANKIE, KEEP THEM TETHERED AND WRAPPED. For the sake of humanity.

in other news:
‘l heart gypsy jazz’ – niche music love on the sixth form whiteboard; Jake has the handwriting of a psychopath. Obvs; Cheryl sports an awesome santa camel toe.

So, on with this week’s flashforward fun. WE CANNOT WAIT!!!!

love is in the air. sort of.

November 22, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

Not much to report from this week’s omnibus, other than that there’s all sorts of romantic shenanigans going on:

the Osbornes

Now we rated this couple the moment they got hitched and so are very happy to report that Hannah and Darren are turning into something rather sweet: Hannah, all hair, eyes and borderline alcoholism is intent on preventing Darren from sliding into a yet another gambling flavoured disaster; whilst Darren is wooing his missus with unbranded loo roll, economy burgers and Jaws 4 on DVD (swoon) – and even turned down the chance of some illicit hate sex with Cindy! Cuter that a basket of kittens, we love them!

Jacqui and Des

Yeah, so Des is a bit annoying at times but we like the way he seems to have tamed Jacqui and her scally ways. Having said that, knowing Jacqui’s luck with men we give it a month before her new man has slept with/impregnated one (if not all) of her sisters. And her mum too.

Newt-Rae-Gaz

Scallified Newt’s tedious obsession with chav princess Rae has been given a certain triangular je ne sais quoi now that Gaz is also sniffing around. Its all very sullen and angsty. Meh.

Amy and Ste

The flighty 2×2 returned to the village and tried to make amends with her psycho chav-turned-burger entrepreneur ex boyf. Ste was having none of it. Aww.

Lydia and Charlotte

Our fave Myra Hindley lookalike, dismayed at the less than positive write up she got in Sarah’s diary, has managed to creep her way back into Charlotte’s good books (and other places). Run away Charlotte! Run awaaaaaay!

in other news

Archie sits around the village for an entire episode holding a twig

grrr

November 10, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

Hollyoaks is just totally uninspiring at the moment – so uninspiring that it’s taking us like days to think of something to write.

There are a few things that are starting to get right on our tits:

Anita. Perpetual whinging. False anorexia. 24/7 scowl – IF THE WIND CHANGES YOU’LL BE STUCK LIKE THAT, LOVE. GRRRRRRRR!!!!

A day in the life of Spencer: mumbles something incoherent about Warren. Argues with Calvin/Sasha/Mercy/Malachy. Sacks Calvin/Sasha/Mercy/Malachy. Re-employs Calvin/Sasha/Mercy/Malachy. Injures himself in some freak accident with a firework/drill/boiling pan of baked beans. Pursues ill advised and doomed to failure friendship/romance with unenthusiastic student. Wears that red checked coat. THIS IS ALL HE DOES. IN EVERY EPISODE.

Why does the McQueen home always have that weird yellow tinge at night time? It must be like living inside a tumour.

Vacuum vag Mercy is at it again. Umbraged that Malachy hasn’t put out for 12 whole days she promptly pounced on Calvin (and who wouldn’t). We sussed the sexual tension yonks ago and though nothing more happened than a sneaky smooch, their antsy arguing blates means that they will be bumping uglies (or is that more pretties?) some time soon. And we’d like to be there when that happens.

BTW – Calvin was rejected by returning poo-knickered student India? Suspension of disbelief stretched too far.

in other news: Jacqui’s scally pictures from Hollyoaks Later showed up in Slapper magazine; Josh looks hawt dressed as a woman. So does Dave, kinda; New pavements cause chaos – as ever, the Chester Herald is at the cutting edge of the news agenda

That’s all. Come on Hollyoaks, buck your ideas up.

clutching at straws

October 25, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

After the AMAZINGNESS of the Newt/Eli/Rae standoff, we have been feeling a bit underwhelmed by the ‘Oaks these past couple of weeks, but nevertheless here are a few things that caught our eye in this weekend’s omnibus:

Tony=bastard

Rather than rewarding Ste and a returning Natty’s enterprising endeavors to keep Il Gnosh afloat in his absence, Tony got all uppity that they wernt selling his pretentious faux italien food and thusly sacked the pair of them. Huh. We are counting the days until Cindy fleeces him.

Random factor

Jake and Malachy walk off to The Loft for a pint. As they go, in the distance someone (we think Darren) stands outside the Drive’n'Buy and watches them go. The camera stays on this random person for about 10 seconds. End of scene.

Archie= hello….

We have always thought Archie was a bit of a turd. But give him a mission and he is really kinda hot.

Zoe incarcerated

Life isn’t looking to rosey for the Chester 1. Locked away in a little cell, with only an apple and something vaguely porridgey for sustenance. At least there was Paul, the rather hot chaplain man, to offer her guidance. We give it a week before she beds him.

Funeral for a friend

Poor squished Sarah finally got her send off. The DILF wept. Amy returned (about time!), Ste provided the sausage rolls, Kris wore a fantastical beskirted number, Lydia went all Lady Macbeth, visioning the blood on her hands, and champion of justice Archie gatecrashed. Steph attempted to BTM the whole affair by reprising her god-awful penchant for singing at funerals (remember the Sugababes debacle when Max karked it?) but luckily everyone else joined in, sweetly. The end bit of Sarah dancing/in heaven was poignant. Aw.

the dark at the end of a dark tunnel

October 11, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

Jeez. We thought Hollyoaks Later was dark but that was nothing compared to this week’s Hollyoaks proper, so paranoid and intense it was like being trapped in a Dostoyevsky novel.

There was the aftermath of Sarah’s death (how sweet was Elliot’s rememberings of Sarah’s Dr Who-themed wooing of him?), Jake’s shock return to the village and, of course, Newt’s descent into shrieking madness. Not quite what we had in mind for a relaxing Sunday morning viewing.

Heroes of the week

Jack: he may be a grumpy ex-publican with a criminal record and a dodgy ticker, but Jack was a ledge this week. Be it taking care of Charlie, counselling Lauren, defending Jake or running/diving to the rescue of Newt, he was a one-man fighting force on behalf of other people’s offspring.

Eli: it’s a sign of the times when an imaginary friend is the voice of reason, but the afro’d one really looked out for Newt. Admittedly it was he who came up with the idea of mugging the old lady (and let’s face it the old cow prob deserved it), but he was onto Rae immediately – and had the good sense to attempt to batter her to death with a lump of wood. Things wern’t looking too good for him by the end (he looked pretty dead under the water there) but knowing Eli he’ll be back soon. Loved his anguish at being likened to a gay Penfold too.

Kris: his hardman act a couple of weeks ago left us unconvinced, but this week he seemed more than capable of taking out Jake in protection of Nancy. Aww.

Archie: other than Kris, the one person who seemed to give a monkeys about Zoe’s wrongful imprisonment. And he shouted at Lydia. Hooray.

Villains of the week

Jake: being locked up in an asylum for a year or so doesn’t seem to have stopped Jake being all creepy and intense, or weirdly obsessed with baby Charlie. Smashed up Darren’s flat too, which we say is simply not on. As mentally unhinged, sexual deviants go we prefer John Stape.

Rae: a morbid, alter-emo with a death wish and way too much eye make up. Does it get any more sinister than that? A manifestation of Newt’s feelings of hopelessness and despair, Rae took the whole ‘imaginary friend’ thing to a whole new level by have a bit of sexy fun with Newt. Um. We could say something rude and inappropriate about this. But we wont. Anyhoo, a great alternative baddie, she was last seen swaying eerily under the water, a goth siren calling Newt to his death. We hope she comes back.

Loretta: she is like one of those crazy bints you read about in Chat magazine who end up marrying the Yorkshire Ripper in prison. You crazy pole dancer you!

Mike and Lydia: Boo hiss! Myra Hindley did a great line in mental, playing the grieving widow and babbling about she and Sarah adopting orphans, or something. Worse for poor old Zoe was the DILF declaring that she should ‘rot in hell’. After the tearful grief sex she gave him last week we think that is downright rude.What a betch. Also, like her two children and the attempted abduction of one of them by psychos, the untimely demise of her sister was also not good enough reason for Amy return to the village. Huh!

Quotes:

“Why were you going away with two lesbians in the first place?” Zoe’s mum asks a pertinent question.

“There he is!” Jack and Frankie react to seeing their runaway mentally ill adoptive child by screaming and running after him.

Darren: “Be careful you dont cut your throat”

Jake: “Or yours?” The Osborne-Dean stepbros bond.

“Who hits a door?” another pertinent question, this time from Darren, on Jake’s flat mashing

“I’m hiding from the dark aswell, its scratching at the door trying to get in” Newt gets, like, deep as he explains his state of mind (or lack thereof) to Rae.

OMG moment

The entire end sequence, with Newt, Rae and Eli all lost under the water. Beautiful, haunting, unbearably tense (would Newt survive? Did he want to?), up there with Sarah’s death scene as the best thing Hollyoaks has done in ages.

So yeah. What a week. Cant wait to watch tonight’s X-Factor for some light-as-souffle, free of tragedy fun. Oh.

strictly calvin

October 5, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

Whilst Sarah was having a pretty bad week over on Later, there wasn’t much in terms of OMGness going on in the Omnibus.

Ravi was weak and kittenish (nice scar), Anita underage drank and vommed over Leila, Newt is still missing, the Roy elders have buggered off to Middlesbrough,Tom was a little shit and kicked Gilly in his gillies, Mal and Mercy were as pikey as usual, Sasha looked glam and was later revealed to have shagged both Josh and bug eyed student twat Dave (keeping regrettable ONS a secret FAIL) and The Loft was finally reopened under the inept and screechy management of Calvin, Sasha, Spencer, Mercy and Malachy.

Ho hum. Nothing that interesting then. So at least Calvin is a better dancer than club manager. A better hot dancer than club manager. Yep. Kinda hot. So hot infact that we thought it might be nice to relive a bit of it.

Yep. Happy now.

death-factor

October 4, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

Sarah’s disturbing yet glorious death-by-parachute has reminded us that when it comes to dramatic deaths Hollyoaks is second to none (except maybe The Wire. But did they have an exploding double decker bus? Well? Did they?)

Anyway, its about time we sorted the wheat from the chaff to see who has had the best Hollyoaks death. The contenders are below (and do let us know if we’ve forgot any!)

hollyoaks later 2009 – the finale

October 4, 2009 by welovehollyoaks

Knowing that NOTHING could possibly top Sarah’s spectacular demise, we tuned into episode 5 on 4OD wondering what they could pull out the hat…

greatest sleb cameo ever

Who needs half arsed appearances by McFly and The Saturdays when you can have Bonnie Tyler, the empress of powerballads no less, growling holding out for a hero in a demented dream sequence? Not us, thats for sure. If BT could only appear in our dreams to offer powerballad advice and spiritual guidance. IF ONLY.

what a beautiful wedding…

Despite Darren and poor barren Jacqui piping up at the lawful impediment/speak now bit, Tony and Cindy’s marriage went ahead. All seemed well, Mr Serial Monogamist had finally got hitched (again) and Cindy had changed her gold digging ways. That was until the initially inappropriate use of Panic at the Disco in the soundtrack was explained by Cindy’s twist in the tale, to the camera “suckers!”. Didn’t see that one coming. Yeah she’s a triflin’ friend indeed. Good luck Tony!

you got the love

Amazing cover of the Candi Staton classic by Florence and the machine at the end. Choon.

guns and drugs and stuff

The Skins-lite plot reached its climax at last. Via a brief but tense stand off at gunpoint, Rhys was released from the clutches of Kev and Blue, abandoning Imogen to her live of crack whoredom, and Hannah opted to stay with Jamie to live ‘the dream’. That is, until she discovered her new love’s ‘dream’ involved them being drug retailers and so she promptly flounced back to Chester. Poor Hannah, never had the best taste in men. And then she had the news of her bezzy mate Sarah’s squishing to come to home to. Not the best of days then.

the Lydia-is-psycho-plot thickens

While Sarah was being scraped off the field, Lydia was swiftly covering her tracks, spying on Zoe in various corridors, describing her as a sexual predator to the filth and then finally planting the incriminating swiss army knife in Zoe’s room before bloodily attempting to top herself. Zoe was meanwhile oblivious to the web that was being spun around her, instead finding time for some tearful grief sex with the DILF – is there any situation in life where Zoe DOESN’T end up having sex with someone? In any case, she was woefully off the ball when she was interrogated by a stern detective lady, and even more off the ball when she was later arrested and thrown in gaol. Ohdear. Could this be how Zoe leaves the ‘Oaks?

So that’s it, Later is over for another year. Can’t think of any ‘Oaksers who had a good time, infact an unhappy ending was pretty much had by all – but important life lessons were learnt we are sure. And that’s the important thing.