So, without much further ado…
serious storyline 1: the impending Lydia-is-a-psycho plot
This plot bubbled away nicely, with Lydia displaying some pleasingly psychotic symptoms – telling Zoe that Sarah tried to top herself after last year’s lez action, and having illicit sniffs off Sarah’s underwear. Ledge.
The most surprising development was Gilly reverting to back to his former chav scum self. As somone who once displayed a nasty streak a mile wide(you may remember his vigilante abuse of falsely accused nonce Simon a few years ago) he had simmadowned and became something of a sweetheart of late.
Being on the trail of Steph’s skanky minge seems to have shortcircuted his brain however, and he took umbrage at constantly being outdone by love rival and good egg Fernando, resorting to throwing the spanish omlette’s rucksack (along with Steph’s anti-fit pills) in the lake. Shame on you Gilly, not good form at all!
As a result, Steph and her two suitors headed home, leaving the quasi lesbian love triangle to battle it out. And then there were three…
comedy storyline 1: the McQueens go to LDN
Things were going well for Theresa’s fledgling glamour model career, at her first gig for Miss Sixteen magazine with sleazy photographer and Evil Southerner Wayne. Then Jacqui and Carmel literally kicked their way in, McQueen stylee, and fucked it right up. Ah well. Amateur porn’s loss is our gain.
Things of note:
- “Eau de twat” – Michaela’s suggestion for a Theresa-themed perfume
- 6 types of biscuits and a coke with an umbrella in it – Michaela approves of the perks of the photoshoot
- Jacqui questions the value of £8 for two pasties. Things cost more in London doncha know.
serious storyline 2: the Ashworth’s go to a festival and meet some dangerous types in a plot that is not-at-all-like-something-out-of-Skins
This plot went ever deeper into Skins territory, with skanky/hot slut duo Jamie and Imogen leading the Ashworth’s to a 24 hour rave/squat/brothel ruled by evil northerner Kev and rotund lackey Blue. All things seemed happy clappy until Hannah discovered that pretty Jamie is infact a drug dealing icecream man. What were the chances of that eh? After some initial squawking, Hannah was soon on board with this though and before you could say ‘cautionary tale’ she and Rhys had been tipped into pretentious trance dancer land - popping pills and talking shit. While they were doing this and getting the shags in (see below) a non-pilled up and instead drunk Josh was getting punched and covered in piss (also see below). Drugs=happy days, then.
Things of note:
- Hannah has very pretty eyebrows.
- Jamie is very pretty also
- Captain Wafer – the name of Jame’s icecream/drugs van
comedy storyline 2: Cindy and Tony’s wedding
Yeah, this trundled on, Tony and Dom having the same argument (about Tony not really loving Cindy and Tony being pleased at being likened to an onion in Dom’s best man speech blah blah blah) for about 20 minutes. Thankfully, Darren was soon installed as best man (error, as he had smuggled a drunken Tony onto the back of a truck before the night was out, with the help of a brass called Sadie) and Dom was getting it on with a crazy posh bird called Emma (a fine name if we do say so ourselves). Savannah meanwhile had sussed Cindy’s scam, using the trusty medium of text to get the truth out of Darren. We like Savannah, she’s scrappy.
Things of note:
- continuity error – Darren texts of his love for Cindy in lowercase, but when Savannah reads it it’s in uppercase
- Darren wears some fabulous pink trousers
Later naughtiness
7 mins Hannah references dogging
19 mins Savannah says ‘bastard’ in a boozy spain flashback
28 mins Josh says ’shit’
29 mins “Swimming, slimming, rimming…” Josh ‘free forms’
36 mins Josh says ‘fuck’ repeatedly and then gets showered in piss when his stint at the festival goes horrifically wrong
37 mins Fernando says ‘bullshit’ repeatedly, once via a megaphone
39 mins Ashworth swearfest: Josh says ‘pints of piss’, Rhys says ’shit happens’ and Hannah calls Rhys a ’selfish prick’
40 mins Josh dismisses the Skins-types as ’synthetic tossers’
42 mins Josh dismisses the Skins-alike storyline as ‘knobsville’
43 mins Jacqui sprays perfume up her minge. Eau de twat, huhuhuhuh
48 mins Jacqui says ‘twat’
59 mins Savannah says ‘up shit creek’
The episode culminated in an icky shagfest, where Dom, Hannah and Rhys all got it on with their paramours (the latter dogged by leering fatty Blue). Rhys nekkid and sexfacing….so very wrong.
Episode 2 then – more profanity and some last minute sex. Things are getting better…bring on episode 3!
