August 20, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
Soooo Hollyoaks. Hollyoaks. Hollyoaks. Hollyoaks. Sometimes you can be amazing, sometimes not so much. Or sometimes you have dull-as storylines about fashion shows and runaway families but with flashes of pure gold, like this week:
GOLD!
The somewhat inexplicable theft of the McQueen’s housefull of tat was not a one off – turns out Brendan is a bit of a villain, especially if his threatening of Ste is anything to go by. Except. We are struggling to take him seriously. Not with that moustache. He says or does something menacing. But then we see it. It’s like its watching us.
GOLD!
Who’s the biggest pouter in Hollyoaks? First up we have kickboxing epic whinger Jem, who recounted past horrors of crippled boyfriends whilst pouting at Carl for 20 minutes:
Newcomer Gabby says very little (although when she does it is incomprehensible scouse). Instead she merely pouts in Tony’s general direction.
In the U18 category we have scowling whingebag Anita. The wind changed so she stayed like that.
GOLD!
Look at this picture. Everything about it is made of wrong. Yet it’s so right.
Which brings us to Eva. Until now, this lion-toothed skank annoyed the tits off us. This week however, we realised what an astounding human being she actually is. That she survived birthing Anita is proof enough, but this week she displayed epic levels of brilliance – no bottle of wine was left un-necked, no roast dinners unburnt and her parenting skills were second to none: not only did she dress Anita in stolen goods, she injected a spot of incestfest fun into the Roy household by shagging Ravi.
O. M. G.
Telling a justly horrified Anita about it was a stroke of genius. Ravi is clearly smitten. As are we. And we’ve deffo seen her before:
Eva:
Marsha from Spaced:
GOLD!
As they heart to hearted for what seemed like centuries, Carl and Jem demonstrated some ambitious standing moodily:
The reverse stance:
The rarely seen ‘twist manoeuvre’:
Outstanding.
GOLD!
Sponsor-of-Hollyoaks Nikon Coolpix clearly knows where the party’s at:
GOLD!
After Mr Roy and Nev, we have a new scary faced man in the village – Phil, the shouty cockerney estranged hubby of Gabby.
*hides behind settee*
GOLD!
quotes:
“For the record, I’d never sleep with a blood relative” Eva sets the record straight.
“He’s only human, love. I mean, look at me”. Girl’s got a point. Eva defends Ravi’s tupping of her.
“All brothers sleep with their sister’s mums, don’t they?”, an outraged Anita has clearly forgotten that this is Hollyoaks.
“I can tell your weasel voice anywhere” Michaela to Rhys.
“You were only a rebound from Gilly anyway” *flounces out*. Jem hometruths on learning of Ravi’s Eva shaggage.
“Nobody turns this down” Mitzeee, after Carl turns that down. Error, Carl, error (see below)
in other news
Steph decides to ‘give something back’ following her cancer ordeal. This may end up being a musical or a sponsored walk. Shutting TFU would be more aggreeable; after he served some smoothies to some tarts in Mobs, we are starting to wonder if Louie is a ghost afterall? If he isn’t, consider us proper vexed; hot on the heels of the Costellos, another new family hit the village in the form of Gabby’s teenage sprogs and scary hubby (see above). So that we remembered the names of said sprogs, their names were REPEATED. A. LOT. REMEMBER. THEIR. NAMES. BITCH (they’re called Amber and Taylor – hey, it worked); Tony is a dunker; Theresa totters around all week with a baby bump and heels; FFS - we spoke too soon last week – Malachy is still around and newbie Lyndsey blatantly wants a bit of the HIV flavoured romancer. We predict a tug of love with Cheryl. Like Brandy and Monica via B*Witched; Heidi pimps out her plank son to win the fashion show storyline – Riley in teeny tiny pants…we like; there is a spectacular awkward turtle moment when Mitzeee reveals her Carl shaggage at the fashion show storyline; for reasons unknown (because we missed half of the episode), Michaela now has pink hair.
Despite all the Au on display this week loses points for there being no Darren or Duncan.
Tags: ste, rhys, steph, michaela, malachy, ravi, nev the racist dad, stereotypes, b*witched, cheryl, anita, spaced, standing moodily, hometruths, eva, carl, mitzeee, brendan, louie the ghost, carl costello, moustache, pouting, gabby, marsha from spaced, nikon, amber, taylor, lyndsey, brandy and monica, riley, fashion show storyline, gold
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August 15, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
Look at the picture above. Look at his little face. This was the moment Jack invited Darren back into the fold, the loveliest moment to happen in Hollyoaks for a long time. Awww x about a million.
What’s more, this week’s Hollyoaks featured an amazing Darren and Duncan moment – crossing the streams of FUCKING FABULOUS when Duncan wore Darren’s kimono (whilst commando), whereas Darren himself simply stood around, semi naked and…glistening. Oh my.
We should point out that it was Duncan who enabled Darren, his and Barry the dog’s return to the Osborne-Dean homestead by simply being his perpetually hungry and rather adorable self. Aww, and he loves Darren.
Basically, the best thing in Hollyoaks for yonks.
“that’s me, psycho dad”
You’re not wrong, Carl Costello. A little bit over protective of your daughters aren’t you? A little bit over interested in their sex lives (or lack thereof)? A little bit Fritzl? Anyhoo, turns out that when he isn’t shagging Cheryl Cole lookalikes Carl is getting a bit medieval on the ass of any boy who attempts sexytimes with either of his grumpy daughters, manhandling chavs or crippling footballers. Even innocent bar stools cannot escape his fists of fury, witness his vicious attack on some pub furniture (it’s about 10 mins in). Clearly, he is not a man to mess with.
who’s the daddy?
We were very pleased to see Mitzeee return this week, getting grabby on Carl’s arse and eating toast provocatively.
More interestingly, we got a glimpse of her far less glam home life with Trish, her 39 year old harridan of a mother, and a distinctly mouldy bathroom.
MUCH more interestingly, it seems that Trish had a bit of Carl back in the day, hence her beef with Heidi and thus Mitzeee’s plan to stitch them up. Now, maybe we’ve just got a sick mind, Putz, but does that mean that Carl could potentially be Mitzeee’s dad? Surely not.
thievingmingers.com
You’re going to reap just what you sow. The McQueens would have done well to remember Lou Reed’s wise words. After necking £180 worth of booze in the Dog and legging it without paying, Jacqui, Myra and co returned home to find it ransacked by bondage hottie Veronica. That’s £17 worth of tat they will never see again. And Veronica turned out to be the Darth Maul lackey to Brendan’s Darth Sidous. We love him more every time we see him.
“are you serious?”
So said Lauren, on learning the manner of the Valentine’s cull. A fair question, as this turned out to be them forsaking life in sunny spain to go and live in Birmingham with Spencer in tow. Living the dream. Before they left they were given a round of applause by some McQueens and half a dozen randoms at Chez Chez. Yes. They were serious.
in other news
Whiney bitch Mal left (TFFT) and, as is Hollyoaks law, was replaced by another Irish – that be Lyndsey from Hollyoaks Later 2008; when she wasn’t smooching Bart and vexing her creepy dad, Jasmine was inexpertly hiding some underpants in her bag. We think they are hers; moustachioed irish dandy Brendan had a busy week enabling home robberies, decking Ste and tupping Mitzeee; we learn that Duncan snores like a bunged up donkey; Ste is sacked YET AGAIN by Tony; Rhys does a shit Chewbacca impression; The Loft is rebranded as Chez Chez; Mitzeee is fat – Bart’s grafitti plumbs the depths of depravity.
quotes
“Girls don’t just walk away from the Bart”, says Bart. As Jasmine walks away.
“We’re the yin and yang of mammals” Duncan and Barry. Yes they are.
Tags: annual cull, barry, bart, brendan, carl costello, chewbacca, chez chez, darren, darth maul, darth sidious, duncan, fritzl, jack, lauren, mitzeee, spencer, the dog, the loft, veronica
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August 11, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
So a bit late in the day as we’ve been a bit distracted this week* – here’s the exciting happenings from last week’s Hollyoaks. Trust us, it was dead good:
standing moodily fest 2010
For a few weeks now the village archway has been the location of choice for any Hollyoaks character who wishes to stand and stare moodily into the middle distance. This week however was a veritable all you can eat buffet of standing moodily excellence:
Classic standing moodily: on the pointless jetty outside The Dog:
Standing moodily with this season’s twist: the archway…
A rare demonstration of the tricky two-man standing moodily technique:
Arty standing moodily:
auf wiedersehen pet
And so the inevitable happened. After Michaela let the racist cat out of the racist bag, Des’s reign of phonetically challenged terror came to an end. He started the week so upbeat. Rerse returned to give him an H Samuel tat engagement ring with which to propose to Jacqui (and promptly left to return to her day job, which was apparently walking around the village all day dressed in leatherette – btw, we tried explaining to Mr WLH that Rerse was infact Des’ sister, not mum. Cue look of total bewilderment.). He was “deein a compyootah course” to help his career. Then it all went tits up. His secret was out. He had altercations with Zack resulting in much man handling of shirt collars (right). Jacqui turned down his offer of marriage and decked him. He was outed as a racist. He and Rerse were carted off by Chester PD. Justice prevailed and we felt a teensy bit sorry for him. Bit of a rubbish villain wasn’t he? And he didn’t even get his ring back.
one quim to rule them all
Now Mercy might be the all-conquering vag of the village but this week we were reminded that there is someone who’s crotchular gravitational pull is even stronger that hers – and that be muchly missed part time lesbian, amateur pornographer and dad shagger Zoe. Geography cannot lessen her powers. Despite being miles away (apparently back from jaunting around Europe and now residing in London, presumably with the DILF), she managed to lure away Kris, Zack and Jake (as suspected last week: now culled) under the pretence of organising some toff’s party. Yah right. She wants just all the men. All of them.
another effing Costello
Carl Costello is clearly a fertile man. Supplementing the apparently endless list of children he has sired was Jasmine, the other twin half of plank Seth. Angry and lantern jawed, it quickly became apparent that tomboy Jasmine has attitude with just about everyone – not least controlling patriarch Carl and faithless sister Jem, about whom Mr WLH observed sagely: “She’s got something to repair there hasn’t she?”. Wise words, wise words.
another effing McQueen
Now, we are quite sure that what the world has been waiting for is another McQueen. Let’s face it, there aren’t enough of them are there? So it was with 90% ironic joy and 10% pure FFSness that we welcomed Bart Mcqueen into our lives. The scally midget son of cousin Victor McQueen, Bart has now moved into the McQueen’s TARDIS-like house and, like any self respecting McQueen, is embarking on a career of petty crime. Hashtagusfail.
another effing shifty Irishman
It is a law of the Hollyverse that as one Irishman leaves another must arrive, and thus as Kris left we welcomed Brendan, Cheryl’s thieving, moustachioed scoundrel of a bro. We rather like him (we give it a week before he shags Mercy) and we can’t help thinking we’ve seen him somewhere before…
michael biehn in The Abyss
Brendan
in other news
Cheryl leaves a bottle of milk in Nancy’s bathroom and later waves her bunions in Kris’ face. LOVE HER; Cheryl and Mercy have screeching row outside The Dog. This should happen in each and every episode; Steph’s cancer is back, which results in her meeting a mournful cancer patient/video stalker called Louie. Who is blatantly a ghost. Yes, really; Lauren decides to head to sunny Spain with the cougar; after sitting on the stairs ‘thinking’ (oh really?), Spencer decides to sell Warren’s property portfolio of The Loft, Evissa and the flat; controlling patriarch Carl Costello denies Riley a bag of crisps; ALFONSE is sending Heidi some designs. Surely his arrival must be imminent; unsuprisingly, Hayley has given birth to a truly freaky looking baby; courtesy of Brendan, Cheryl is now buying the Loft with a shady gangster type called Danny Huston; Malachy proves he is rubbish a seducer of women as he is a husband/labourer/human being by getting tied up and robbed by smooth talking hottie Veronica.
quotes
“Well well, if it isn’t Mr Escariot” Rerse gets biblical on Zak’s ass
“Has no one ever told you that its rude spy?” selfawareness fail from Steph’s video stalker/ghost Louie
Michaela: “I’ve been looking everywhere for you”
Jacqui: “Where?”
Michaela: “Here. Your bedroom.”
Chester Herald investigative journalism. Right there.
Jake: “Do you not want me round anymore?”
Steph: “Course I do!” translated: Er, no, psycho boy
*mr WLH asked us to be mrs WLH. yay.
Tags: alfonse, annual cull, bart, brendan, carl costello, cheryl, danny huston, Des, des the geordie teacher, H Samuel tat, jasmine, kris, louie the ghost, rose, spencer, standing moodily, steph, the loft, veronica, zack, Zoe
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August 1, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
So. There’s a cull on the way, did you know? Which meant last week’s Hollyoaks was funsies…
and so we’ve come to the end of the road…
Sadly, as we suspected last week, it was curtains for barmy Loretta. She may have been able to run rings round Jake and the rest of the Osborne-Deans, but Nancy was having none of it. A face/off in a curiously blue tinged classroom followed and what promisingly looked like a battle royale between mental blonde and shrill brunette in actual fact ended up being a tearful showdown where Jake, of all people, saved the day as Loretta was encouraged to share her experiences of piano teacher noncing and general mental breakdown. Then, meek as a kitten with mumps she was carted off to Chester asylum. She will be missed.
a date with des-tiny
Poor old Jacqui. One minute she was having idyllic picnics eating coleslaw and kiwi fruit with her unoffensive unintelligible geordie boyfriend, the next she was discovering that he is the local racist with a penchant for teargassing the neighbourhood burger emporium. The fickle finger of fate eh? Plus it looks as though Des’s days of a somewhat inept evildoer are numbered.
Since no McQueen has ever knowingly allowed the happiness of another McQueen, Michaela seemed to deliver the news to her big sister with particular glee. TBF she had learned of Zack’s days as a padawan racialist and there is still the truth of his fists of fury beating of Tariq, which he seemed to conveniently neglect to mention. Naughty.
60% of the time it works, every time
Having previously been locked in a storage container by chavs and scooped her own boyfriend, Michaela demonstrated more Chester Herald investigative practices: shouting at Kris until he talked to her, researching dodgy teachers by repeatedly typing Des Townsend racist into random brand search engine Swoosh and, finally, entrapping said dodgy teachers into confessing on camera (admittedly, this was Zack’s doing). Lois Lane – eat your heart out, pet.
Thanks to Michaela’s journalistic endeavors we had the opportunity to hang out at the offices of the mighty Chester Herald. We have long been a fan of Chester’s finest rag and it was a particularly busy news week, not only the scoopage of evil Des but also a chlorine debate taking place about the civic pool, amid reports of an outbreak of eye infections. Shocking stuff. We were also treated to some of its dazzling headlines – many of which were displayed about the office:
- Police warn northgate shoppers about pickpockets
- Wiped out on wedding day (was this a reference to Max?)
- Baby abandoned in church (Cindy and Holly?)
- Freak weather halts Chester races
60% of Chester residents read it doncha know.
sorted for Eees
Can we just say how much we love Mitzeee? She’s a minx. Aka the far less glam Anne, she reminds us of Mercedes before she got all boring and married, and she exhibits a distinctly McQueen-esque lack of regard for family loyalty by shagging cousin Heidi’s fella. “Don’t pretend you don’t want this” she purred to Carl, waving ‘this’ in his general direction in a Mercy-ish fashion. “She’s relentless” observed Mr WLH, not wholly disapprovingly. Despite her sterling efforts, Carl opted to pretend. Fool.
MYEYES
Two words. Frankie’s breasts.
quotes
It was a hometruths fest this week:
“Why are you bothered, he tried to rape you remember?” Kris questions Nancy’s attempts to help Jake.
“I think you look like an 80s throwback. And not in a good way” Jake to Frankie re. her dress sense.
“It’s always about you – you’re vain, selfish, self obsessed. What about all that stuff about wanting to become a popstar? I mean, come on! You’re stubborn, spoilt and you sulk when you don’t get your own way. I can’t even propose without you making a drama out of it. Steph, you’ve got cancer, it’s not a licence for you to act like some self centred brat”, Gilly let rips at Steph. Hurrah. Though they did, eventually, get engaged. Boo.
“I’ve had better shits than that” Mr WLH, after a particularly dull episode.
in other news
Elliot meets an alien/care in the community/sex pest called Kevin. It’s a sign of how random Hollyoaks is that this didn’t even slightly raise our eyebrows ; Kris gets a job at a bank and spends about two episodes whinging about it (soon to be culled for defs) ; Cindy and Cheryl try and fail to pull Carl Costello; Il Gnosh hosts a swingers lunch; we cannot wait to meet Alfonse, Heidi Costello’s interior designer. Apparently he’s all about primary colours and dark wood flooring; we learn that Seth is the name of the other plank Costello son; Steph is laughed out of X Factor auditions; the village archway seems to have replaced the pointless jetty outside The Dog as the ‘standing moodily spot (right)
Tags: gilly, jacqui, nancy, steph, michaela, annual cull, chester asylum, random brands, zack, x factor, loretta, il gnosh, jake, des the geordie teacher, chester herald, swoosh, standing moodily, hometruths, carl, heidi, mitzeee, mr WLH, alfonse
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July 25, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
OMG. So, we had forgotten about the end of last week’s Hollyoaks where stern faced detective lady casually mentioned that the unjustly banged up Kyle Ryder had accused Theresa of killing Calvin. Surely gurning dullard Carmel would never believe such wild accusations about her own kith and kin? Wrong. And what resulted was the most awesome McQueen showdown EVER – a hometruths fest where all kinds of shit hit the fan, Theresa, Mercy and Jacqui were truly dropped in it and Carmel turned bad ass, armed with a deathstare and a deadline for when she hands Theresa over to the law.
Effing brilliant – we urge you to watch it right now.
footballers wives and other relatives
The lord gives as he takes away, so after the Ashworth’s sold up and headed for sunny spain, we welcomed the Costellos. Headed by weasel faced patriarch ex-footballer Carl, with brassy WAG missus Heidi (who has VERY-WIDE-EYES) and two plank sons (Riley and the other one) in tow, they brought a touch of News of the World glamour to the village and – who would have thunk it – it turns out Carl is actually karate kicking minx Jem’s dad.
Though Jem was initially unimpressed with her previously bad boy dad’s arrival, they were soon bonding via family fajita fun. “This happiness won’t continue” observed Mr WLH wisely.
b-b-b-bonkers
Oh, Loretta. How we love thee.
Everything you do to torment Jake is genius – planting vandalised photos on him, sending ominous texts to yourself from his phone, loitering menacingly in alleyways (left) – all the while your little pudding face the picture of innocence.
We so want you to get away with it.
Sadly, your evil schemes may be under threat. Firstly, there’s Jake succumbing to your wild eyed charms. Has he genuinely been bullied into being your boyfriend again or could he be about to turn the tables on you, the messee becoming the messer? (let’s face it though, this is Jake we are talking about here, a man who could be outwitted by a golf club so probs not). Worse yet is that Nancy is now in your case. Little Miss Marple via the Pipettes, there isn’t much that gets past Nancy’s nebby nose, so you soon find yourself well and truly sussed. And then we will cry.
Until then though, Loretta, shine on you crazy diamond.
welcome to the lion’s den, temptation’s on its way
Rhys and Duncan turfed out of The Dog following the arrival of the Costellos, they promptly descended on the pink palace to cohabit with Darren. Lucky beggars. Soon enough there were house rules about who gets to use the sofa, poo soiled toilets and kimono shrinkage mishaps. Basically the most fun house EVER. We want to live there please.
because she’s worth it
Bursting ass first (see below) into the village, Cheryl Cole lookalike Mitzeee was the 2nd new arrival of the week. Let down by her backing dancers Jean Claude and Dion, she had soon enlisted Darren and Rhys to be the topless, gold lame clad backing dancers for her odd act which seemed to involve assaulting middle aged women with a super soakers in The Loft. She was then revealed to be the mutinous fancy woman of Carl Costello. Yay! Looks like Mr WLH might be right…
quotes
“What – you and Calvin? -” <to Theresa> “- and you and Calvin?” <to Mercy> Myra is saddened to learn the truth of the McQueen’s man-sharing ways.
“I’m more sane now than I’ve ever been” really, Jake? REALLY?
“As long as its not vampires or apocalyptic doom I’m there”, Eva’s cinema choices are somewhat limited. The Human Centipede mebees?
“‘I’m king. End of.” Rhys asserts his authoritar. <em>prick</em>.
gratuitous tits and ass shots
T&A has been somewhat lacking in Hollyoaks for a while, so we are happy to report that it got fully back on track this week with various Hollyoaks characters flaunting their bountiful wares:
Ravi’s abs
Mercy’s arse
Mitzeee’s arse
yum. We hope to erase the sight of Rhys’ spindly little body in gold lame pants from our memories as soon as humanly possible.
in other news
After the McQueen showdown, Mercy avoids an ass kicking by running off with that eejit Mal; Awwwww x 1,000, 000: Darren attempts to bond with Jack by aquiring a dog called Barry; As we predicted a couple of weeks ago, romance (or rather shagging on the kitchen floor) blossomed between Ravi and Jem; random brand watch: Hey Today – sleb magazine featuring Carl and Heidi, Spread – ‘specialist’ magazine starring Mitzeee; Chester Herald headlines: Local MP quizzed on heritage site plans; Summer pop gets the go head (this one has been previously seen); DARREN WEARS A HAWAIIAN SHIRT!!!; we hadn’t noticed that Cheryl went to Calvin’s funeral dressed a whore; COUGAR ALERT: a perma tanned Val Valentine returns to the village and her abandoned, blood clotted daughter
Tags: rhys, darren, carmel, random brands, the dog, theresa, loretta, the mcqueens, jake, chester herald, jem, random brand watch, eva, the costellos, carl, heidi, mitzeee, news of the world, mr WLH, hey today, spread, the human centipede
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July 13, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
Before we go into 
what was a vintage week for Mr Ryder, we must first voice our UTTER DISMAY and DISGUST that he has been wrongly arrested for the murder of Calvin. This is clearly a travesty of justice and a symptom of Broken Britain. We shall be lobbying for the Home Secretary to intervene.
Prior to this, he tore a peroxided trail of terror through the village: threats of arson, stealing Anita (though sadly returning her), sending threatening texts, kicking open the Mcqueen front door like a europop ninja, shouting A LOT, suffering the indignity of his ass being kicked by Myra (for shame) and getting the truth of Calvin’s murder out of Theresa by simply screaming in her face.
His most heinous deed, however, was the wanton destruction of Queenie McQueen’s family heirlooms. Ceramic dog limbs littered the McQueen home like a Poundland slaughter house and only Buster, the favourite dog, survived the massacre. A scene we will take with us to our graves. Kyle Ryder, a top class villain.
in other news
After an initially off-piste strategy of kidnapping/sleep watching Steph, the magnificently bonkers Loretta switched to a truly excellent game plan of invoking sympathy via suspect tales of being nonced by a piano teacher and planting seeds of doubt about Jake’s – admittedly questionable – grip on reality. Cannot wait to see what she has up her sleeve next. Literally.
After a tenure that featured incest, anorexia, drink driving and frightening faces, we bid adios to the Ashworths. To be fair to Nev, calling time on the village when losing his missus to Darren proved too much to tolerate is understandable, but why Suzanne would opt for her barnacle faced hubby over a resplendently string vested Mr Osborne is a complete mystery. Women eh? PS we thought their initial threat to leave Josh behind was proper harsh, but not as harsh as their decision to take Duncan against his will. Luckily, like the world’s chubbiest homing pigeon he found his way back. TFFT.
There were two distinct outbreaks of weird behaviour in the village this week (well, weirder than usual):
passive aggressive snack punishments: Darren was denied a croissant by Suzanne, Mal refused to make Mercy a sandwich
inexplicably rapid forgiveness for fairly heinous acts: following his shock admission that he stitched Josh up by spiking his drink, Rhys was let off the hook with a hug from both Josh and Nev (we’re assuming that anything that doesnt involve him shagging an immediate relative is regarded as a win); after Spencer (who we’d forgotten was still in it, that’s how much we’ve missed him) let the cat out of the bag about his and Lauren’s (non existent) love child, Sasha was surprisingly quick to let her little sis off the hook – afterall, she whinged the ear off Calvin for about a month when she found out about his involvement in Warren’s death. Lauren should count herself lucky she got that blood clot on the brain.
Speaking of Lauren and her blood clotted brain, this put an end to the Valentine’s family trip to Benidorm but did result in a fairly spectacular awkward turtle moment at Calvin’s funeral where she hobbled around, hometruthing loudly and eventually knocked over the coffin. Great stuff.
other in other news
Darren sniffs around newly minted Cheryl; the word on the street is that Cheryl kissed a girl and she liked it; random brand watch: Josh enjoys a can of Mistral beer; pre blood clot/funeral dramas Leo tries to move his daughters’ grieving process on a step by providing a CD called Groovy Grieving (lead track: don’t worry be happy); Jack is caught fingering Cheryl’s knickers and making unintentional housework-related double entendres: “I was just looking for someone to put my plug” etc; Cheryl wants to buy The Dog, as does Jack. Cheryl isn’t skinted though; Cindy and Tony get the world’s quickest divorce
Theresa demonstrates the three expressions required to flog tat on the Antiques Roadshow:
The ‘I don’t care how much it costs’ look:
The ‘It can’t it really be worth that much but I still don’t care how much it costs’ look:
The ‘I though it were worth half a million and not 20p’ look:
Amazing.
quotes
“Me and Lauren are the only family you have left”, Leo scares the bejesus out of Sasha, forgetting his two remaining sons (Danny and Sonny anyone?)
Tags: rhys, Josh, random brand beer, lauren, random brands, nev the racist dad, theresa, sasha, loretta, cheryl, spencer, leo, duncan, suzanne, kyle ryder, the passive aggressor, broken britain, awkward turtle, buster the ceramic dog, antiques roadshow, poundland
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July 8, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
You know what it’s like, you wait for a blonde psychotic and then two come along at once. That’s right, following the shock return of Loretta it was now Savage Garden gangster boy Kyle Ryder’s turn to make a dramatic reappearance. OMG YEAY FTW ETC.
Yes, so now they are inflicting in a two-pronged attack on the village – a pincer of evil, if you will.
Loretta, failing in her attempt to make Jake jealous by letching over Rhys, has instead opted for some good old fashioned kidnapping – luring Steph first to the Hollyoaks bus stop, by pretending to be a talent scout, and then into her brand new Fiesta, by pretending to be relatively sane. For her anyway . “But my house is that way” Steph was heard saying in alarm, as Loretta drove out of the village. Eeek!
Kyle Ryder meanwhile busied himself terrorizing Lauren yet again. Cos he’s well hard innit. Didn’t take too kindly to Lauren being all uppity and even less to being accused to being the baker of Theresa’s bun. His reaction: viciously attacking an innocent book case. He is a man on the edge, people, whatever will he do next?
in other news
Cheryl starts the day astride a paper boy (well, his bike) and ends in bed with Charlotte, with a lost scratchcard (located amongst her ample bosoms), new teeth and a Who’s the Hotty victory in between
quotes
“They’ll feed you a few sweet words, your ego explodes and before we know it you’re either being molested or shafted out of hundreds” Jake offers apocalyptic advice to Steph regarding unsavoury talent scout types.
“Quiet ratboy!” Charlotte puts Dave in his place.
“I bet you never got up the duff in a rose bush” Amy dishes out some hometruths to Nancy in the Who’s the Hotty competition. Girl’s got a point.
Tags: Amy, cheryl, kyle ryder, loretta, nancy, pincer of evil, steph, the bus stop
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July 7, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
So a couple of glasses of wine, some tapas and Hollyoaks first look on skyplus. Does it get better than this? DOES IT?*
dog days are not over
As if she was punishing us for something, Steph butchered the Florence favourite, to an inexplicably rapturous reception. The name of her ‘band’? Steph and the lost dogs. Er, woof.
you know he would
Rhys dons a kimono a la Darren. Why? We wonder. Could it be that Rhys would actually like to be Darren? Why? We wonder. Could it be because Darren is shagging his Mum? No, we’d never even suggest such a thing.
crazy lady update
Turns out Jake was unimpressed with Loretta’s itsbusinesstime stance last night and told her to sling her hook. Fool. Anyhoo, not one to be discouraged easily, our new fave blonde nutter has resorted to spying on him from behind walls, using Rhys as a pawn in her sexual games (not that he’s complaining) and leering at Jake during ill-advised cabaret acts starring his sister. Jake promply fled. Wuss.
love is in the air
So Elliot blates fancies Nancy. And Nancy hasn’t had any action since the last time she hooked up with the nearest man she could find (Kris, Ravi, Russ, Jake, Justin all on her impressive back catalogue – anyone we’ve missed?).
in other news
Josh is set free. Bet that soft birds nest hair was a hit in prison; Cheryl wins £250k on a scratchcard. Bet she spends it all in New Look; something happened involving India and Gem. Dunno what it was; Nev gives Suzanne evils across the Dog, Suzanne necks pints
MYEYESMYEYESMYGODMYEYES
Frankie’s nipples. We did not ask to see them. Yet we did.
*no.
Tags: Elliot, florence and the machine, frankie, Josh, myeyes, nancy, sky plus, steph, steph and the lost dogs
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July 6, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
After last night’s yawnfest, there was much to love about tonight’s E4 first look:
- Darren wandering round in his kimono and some socks
- the Valentines living in squalor (despite poor Cheryl’s unappreciated hoovering), Leo necking Weisbrau in the middle of the day
- a mildly amusing subplot where Dave tries to scam Tony and Ste at Il Gnosh but is outwitted via a pepsi challenge featuring Vino Collapso random brand plonk (£1.99 from Drive n Buy) and is thusly black listed from every eating establishment in the North West. Tony has that kinda power you see.
- 1 rosette in the Chester and North Wales Good Food Directory, 1 Golden Pickle Award from the Chester Herald – the plaudits for Il Gnosh are from the upper echelons of culinary opinion
- Chester’s answer to Austin Powers, one chromosome short of a human sunbed – Nev’s not entirely inaccurate description of Darren
- confusion – hadn’t Suzanne already fessed up to her Darren shaggage? Nevertheless, Nev turfed her right out on her ear
- “the big O guarantees 100% satisfaction” Darren bigs up his sexual prowess. Oh my.
- oven chips and a tub of ice cream from Drive n Buy – Darren’s idea of a healthy dinner
- the SATC theme tuned end bit
- the revelation that Rhys prefers his mum being shagged by Darren than living with Nev. Fair enough.
- Rhys’ revelation of Darren’s mahoosive tactical error – he will never get the Dog now that he’s shagged Nev’s missus. Oh dear oh dear
- odd 1980s cop show background music to Sasha and Lauren’s heart to heart. All a bit Midnight Caller
and finally
LORETTA IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And dressed as a french sex worker too, legs akimbo, vag a-beckoning Jake. Yay, may the mad times roll.
Tags: chester herald, darren, dave, drive n buy, end bit, il gnosh, loretta, midnight caller, nev the racist dad, pepsi challenge, random brands, rhys, SATC, suzanne, the dog
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July 5, 2010 by welovehollyoaks
So Hollyoaks didn’t particularly inspire us today, though we did notice how much Theresa resembles a mogwai.
mogwai
theresa
remember: never feed after midnight.
in other news
busted – Myra finds out about Theresa’s bunned oven; presumably turfed out by Tony following last week’s unacknowledged divorce request, Cindy is now shacked up with Darren and his kimono. Where poor long-suffering Holly is we know not; poor Gaz is abandoned by Lauren. Betch; the MILF is spotted bootie texting Darren. Wouldn’t we all?; Steph continues to milk being a cancer sufferer, guilt tripping Rhys (of all people) into being part of her X-Factor double act:”a cross between the Ting Tings and Same Difference” she trilled. A brother and sister double act? With Rhys? Is that wise?
quotes
“He might be a lot of things but he’s not a racist” Lauren fails a basic reality check re. Gaz.
BEST BIT
Cindy catches Suzanne and Darren in bed. Cue Darren’s massive shit eating grin. Utter ledge.
Tags: rhys, steph, darren, cindy, theresa, suzanne, mogwai, the ting tings, same difference, gremlins
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