Have to say, this week’s ‘Oaks was a bit…what is the word….meh. After the high drama and pure OMGity of Torchwood, the does-Malachy-have-HIV symptoms?-no-its-just-man flu-what’s that?-Mercy-thinks-he’s-cheating-on-her-again? storyline was somewhat dull in comparison.
Still, we’ve done our best to pick out the best bits:
Cheryl!
We love her. We really do. Whether she is decking Mercedes with pugil stick, being on the run for shagging a man to death at Funtins holiday camp, using ‘drain the kitty’ as a euphemism for having a wee or doing dramatic interpretations of Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights via the medium of dance (with added fart gag) she is pure comedy gold (and is it just us, but were she and Kris separated at birth?). Happily, now an employee of Mobs (as most people seem to be at some point in their lives) and a tenant of the apparently not very picky student halls of residence, Cheryl is going to be in our lives for the forseeable future. Yay.
Meet the Osborne-Ashworths
Yeap. The drunken rock star jaunt to Denmark resulted in Hannah and Darren returning, in a taxi full of vom, as man and wife and, after a briefly mooted annulment (due to lack of consummation), both have decided to stay married in a bid to get the Dog back/annoy mother. Unlikely couple as they are, we think this one has legs and we sense a new power couple is rising (or maybe we are just wishing we were married to Darren).
Bad Ash
At first we thought it was Lauren, since she has previous form for tormenting people who don’t deserve it (remember when she and Newt duped Elliot into thinking his dad was returning?), but it turned out to be evil jowly faced Ash who was texting Spencer pretending to be Warren, in a bid to get his hands on The Loft. Not the best laid plan me must say, given that Calvin, investigating the texts, simply called the number and, lo and behold, Ash’s phone started to ring. Machiavelli he aint, but he has potential so we do hope bad Ash keeps up the good work.
In other news:
As if the indignity of getting squished by a mirror wasn’t bad enough, further insult is heaped onto Warren as his ashes are scattered on the pond (yes, just outside The Dog); Darren forsakes the animal print shirt/leather pants look for some casual sportswear/string vest; Steph makes the mistake of hiring Malachy and Mercy to redecorate her flat and what does she get in return? Catching them at it on her sofa. Ew; Zack has sex dreams about Mercy, Carmel and Cheryl, much to Michaela’s chagrin; Daniel and Abi (the nearest the ‘Oaks has to the 456) continue to plot against Ste; like Mrs Ashworth before her, Abi is now the one stop nursing shop at Chester hospital for all medical emergencies, on hand for Malachy’s HIV/man-flu and Ste’s cut finger; Tony has been appointed an ambassador for Kidz with Kidz
The above poo outrage was of course part of the jailbait camping plot, where Newt, Theresa, Lauren, Anita and some random simpleton called Ricky headed off into Chester woods for some underage fun. Muchos teenage angst ensued, with Lauren discovering Newt and Theresa’s unlikely romance. Luckily for her though, there was more than one emo in the woods, with Wade, a creepy emo stalker type with a truly slappable face, on hand to offer quasi-philosophical* observations on love and, more importantly, some rebound smooches. Go-on Lauren, rhey! (*in burly builder style voice*). Newt was not a happy bunny.
Dancing Newt
Speaking of whom, when he wasn’t being a bit of a cad and pinballing between Lauren and Theresa, young Barry was indulging in the randomest, most surreal yet somehow amazing moment in Hollyoaks for a long time – an Arcade Fire soundtracked freestyle dance-off with Steph’s dance class. So good we had to watch it twice! (and if you missed it you can catch it on 4oD – its about 13 mins in).
Hannah-rama
Our fave anorexic had something of a meltdown this week, drinking too much, throwing sandwiches and many a strop, crushing crisps and wine into ex-boyfriends faces, coming on to family friends, telling a few home truths (see below) and then running off with random obnoxious indie band troll Stav- to Denmark! All whilst looking glam and alien hair-doed. Hannah – we salute you!
Know your limits!
There was a Darth Sidious-like presence in the village this week – and that be ALCOHOL. Yes, the Rock the SU Bar degenerated into a 3 day bender involving vomiting, cat fights and some very dodgy dancing – and all because those naughty students were BINGE DRINKING. Tut tut. Happily, the latest ‘Oaks spin-off (The morning after the night before – premiering tomorrow online whoop whoop), starring Josh, Sasha, Gilly and sleazy newbie Dave raving it up in Manchestuuh and in partnership with the Home Office/Know your limits campaign, will no doubt show them the error of their ways and promote the virtues of sobriety. We can only hope.
Match.com
How easy it seems to be to hook up in Hollyoaks. Whether you are camping in some random woods or popping into the Drive’n'buy there will no doubt be a creepy emo stalker type or random obnoxious indie band troll to pull.
A plea
Will everyone in the world stop being so horrible to Darren!? Steph and Jack – we mean YOU! Imagine, if you can, a world without his leopard print shirts and leather pants. WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE IN SUCH A WORLD? No. And neither would we. So start showing the love.
Funeral for a (not quite) friend
Yeees, twas time to put Warren to rest. Unsurprisingly it had rather low attendance, his own sister Katy refusing to show up (betch). Still, there was the obligatory McQueen punch up and Sasha and Spencer’s goodbyes were actually rather moving. Not a bad send off for the whisperer if we do say so ourselves.
In other news:
Forgot to mention it last week but Gilly looks rather cute with short hair; Strive for individuality. Create a fad – pretentious t-shirt slogans courtesy of Wade; deformed barbie doll crossed with Chantelle – Ricky’s fairly accurate description of Theresa; random brand beer watch: Nancy retrieves an empty can of Biegrad from the sink; Rhys and Hayley finally get together; Malachy has man flu and/or HIV symptoms; Cheryl, the screeching Irish slapper from Hollyoaks Later and Zack’s ONS, arrives in the village and promptly causes mayhem – including a rendition of Riverdance. Cos, you know, that’s what Irish people do.
Quotes:
Hannah’s diatribe re. her friends’ love lives in full:
To Sarah: “You’re in and out of bed with every man, woman, whatever”
After last week’s hangover debacle that left us projectile vomiting and unable to watch the ‘Oaks, it was a joy indeed to be out of bed, bright eyed and bushy tailed, to catch the action today on T4.
Not the most OMGing of weeks, but compelling nonetheless – mostly because the ‘Oakers seemed to be divided into those who had a good week and those who totally didn’t:
Bad week for:
Ravi
Diagnosed with an aneurysm in his noggin. Unlucky.
Darren
Ditched by Cindy, stood up by Theresa, constantly berated by Steph and generally a laughing stock for all. Still, sported a fetching line in leopard print shirts. Swoon.
Sleazy lecturer man
Covered in poo. Hurrah.
Caleb
Going on Colonel Kurtz ahead of his return to Afghanistan (Still no need to pick on Ravi though!)
Our eyes
Having to witness a post coitus Archie and Myra in the end bit. Nightmarish.
Good week for:
Cindy
Finally got her mitts on Tony’s Il Gnosh for some very unsanitary sex in the kitchen.
Zoe
Okay, she might be degree-less but she did look very pretty at the ball
Zack
Got a first. Bless!
Leila and Elliot
Pregnancy: nay declarations of love: yay
Newt
First Lauren, then Anita, our fave emo is now up to a spot of illicit romancing with Theresa. Not the most obvious stud but we can roll with it.
In other news:
Cellar poisoner plumbers missing – fairly nonsensical headline of the Chester Herald; random brand beer watch – Caleb enjoys a can of Weisbrau; HMS Bad Idea – Archie’s nautical analogy for Zoe’s plan to fess up to her parents; Mrs Fisher arrives in the village for Kris’ graduation
Hollyoaksistan
Best FSM in an age – Caleb describes a nightmare scenario of a war-torn village, complete with a nuked Drive’n'Buy and a dead Tony. Effective, gut wrenching stuff.
Daniel and Abi have always seemed a few eggs short of an ovary but their full on nutjobbiness was revealed this week as they (literally) spelled out their evil plot to sell baby Lucas! OMG! Wonder what the RRP is for babies these days? Anyways, The Plan might hit a snag the shape of (presumably barren) Abi, who has hand that rock the cradle-style designs on the poor bairn herself due to a previous dead baby called Michael. Ste is still blissfully unaware.
Btw…we know Daniel is supposed to be scary and intense, but he is way less threatening in Kidz with Kidz t shirt. Vile Niall wouldn’t have been caught dead in that.
Questionable recruitment strategy
Where exactly does HC recruit its lecturers? Sexual Predators R US? First there was sleazy lecturer man who seduced Sarah and countless others, and (worse still) was mean to poor Elliot. Now there is even sleazier lecturer man Adrian offering script-thieving (and soon to be leaving) Zoe the chance to save her degree in exchange for a shag! The fact that he is kind of hot is neither here nor there.
Vintage Darren
Our fave vest wearer was on top form this week. When he wasn’t being all suicidal anyway. Some examples:
His answerphone message: “Look, I don’t like you or I’m not around. Either way I’m not picking up”. Genius.
His superior knowledge of economics: “I know about supply and demand – I’ve read the book”. We googled this book and couldn’t find it. Sadly.
His magnificent red kimono.
Weird sexual tension
Between: Cindy and Tony (so wrong); Lydia and Mike; Lydia, Sarah and Lydia’s foxy ex Charlotte; Josh and Hayley.
Film student moments
After last week’s tour de force, it was back to basics this week: photo/locket/mirror thing as Sasha, Michaela and Sarah mooch over their respective loves (though Sarah did seem to be mooching over her own reflection mostly); kerazy chat show with Darren as host and Sarah as guest; random speeded upness.
In other news:
Archie and Zoe’s annoyingly chipper dad appears on the scene, thankfully briefly; Big A – Archie’s sign in name for downloadable porn; Archie wears some teeny tiny underpants; Sarah BTMs big time when Zoe’s film reveals that the DILF considered putting her up for adoption; Holly is revealed to have a suprisingly adult love for Tuscan food; Poker face – Cindy’s mopping song; Lydia is revealed to be something of a CD collection fascist and demands that Sarah bins her Pussycat Dolls collection. Betch!
One week on from Warren’s untimely demise, we checked out the E4 omnibus wondering what high drama it had in store for us this week…
Hoo hoo hoo hoooooo!
For a one time girl beating, hair vandalising psycho ratboy, wasn’t Ste a hero this week? Whether it was gamely camping it up as a half Ste/half goth narrator type person in a bizarre film student moment or being a decoy for Justin and bringing him cans of fizzy pop and bags of crisps, Ste was the man to turn to in a time of crisis. Aw. Plus – he and Justin are the most touching bromance we’ve seen in the ‘Oaks in a long time (rather reminded us of Calvin and Warren before all the twisted sexual tension and mind games. Simpler times)
The film student graduates
Oh yeah, we have to say that despite a couple of vintage FSMs (see above, and the Hannah and Justin splitscreen anyone? Kylie and Jason circa Especially for You/1989), our fave film student came of age this week . There was spooky monks singing when Sasha ID’d Warren’s squished body, there was what looked like spooky mist in almost everyone’s houses (a manifestation of Nancy’s Kris shagging guilt? A reference to John Carpenters The Fog? We may never know), there was spooky twilight when Justin and Russ made their escape. Add this to the poignant and rather beautiful sunset scene with Hannah and Justin in the graveyard and the aftermath of Justin’s departure (poor Hannah discovered by police in slo mo), and the ‘Oaks has never looked better. Bravo!
Exit, pursued by a bear
Well, not quite (though we suspect Jacqui could tear a new arsehole as well as the next grizzly) but the spring cull of sorts continued with Justin, Russ and baby Max’s exodus from the village in the aforementioned spooky twilight and Russ’s funky Gene Hunt-esque car. Last we heard of Russ was a supposed sighting on a ferry to Calais. Not sure we understand Justin’s reasons for abandoning Hannah, although as he told Ste she was “like Becca” we can only assume he scarpered before pregnancy, false imprisonment, a glittering career at the local fried chicken emporium and finally death by scally jailbird headed Hannah’s way.
I am Sasha fierce
Yerp, she may have been a simpering little mouse with Warren, but newly single ex-crack whore Sasha found her inner tigeress this week in not one but TWO brawls. In the first she kicked Justin’s ass with the strategically aimed pan to the head. The second, versus Claire, is tough to call as Calvin sadly intervened. We think Claire, being psychotic and looking like she’d pack a hefty punch, would have been victorious. Even so, we would so pay to see it. Maybe throw some baby oil over them too…
We heart Claire
A good baddie always comes back for one last scare, though we feel Claire’s obvious talents for torture and chaos were wasted on simply terrorising poor Spencer and slapping Sasha. Give her some decent weaponry and free run of the village and just imagine what she could have achieved…Anyhoo, sadly she fought the law (or rather Calvin) and the law won, as she was dragged kicking and screaming towards justice. Though as she didn’t technically kill Warren we are hoping she will make a speedy return to the streets of Chester. We all need a bit of psycho in our lives.
“HELLO?….I’M IN THE LOFT TORTURING WARREN….YEAH IT’S CRAP”
We have observed many a time how important mobile telephony is in the Hollyverse and this week was no exception, with a stray voicemail being used to bring Claire to justice. Justin, however, rebelled by throwing his mobile in a field. What a spoilsport.
In other news:
Rhys gets punched and locked in a cupboard. Yay; after last week’s random copper, we rejoiced to see Mark Gasgoyne return – wearing a rather fetching tie – to apprehend Claire. Ratfaced and weird haired but we think we would; with Russ half inching baby Max, Jacqui is left barren and childless. Again; Calvin yet again sabotages his marriage by failing to ‘fess up to leaving Warren to his mirrory death; we suddenly noticed the brothel/changing rooms decor of Nancy’s flat. Eesh!
Wowzer, it may have been a glorious sunny day but the heat was in Chester for today’s omnibus as the ‘Oaks, for so long below par, finally returned to its demented, spectacular glory. There were…
Returning psychos
So the online buzz was right and Claire was revealed to be Warren’s tormentor. Hurrah! Still mad as a bag of hammers, with a curious choice of outfit – going for prostitute-chic. Must have missed that one in this week’s Grazia.
Deaths by mirror
Well, just the one. And we are assuming the squishing Warren got from the business end of a falling mirror was fatal one. Unless he somehow cheated death and ran away, like Vile Niall, Claire etc. You never know. Spectacular and unusual demise though, which befitted our fave whisperer.
Two competitors for the ‘grinning psycho’ award
Yep, with Warren and Claire we had two of the ‘Oaks most psychotic characters trying to out crazy each other as they leered, snarled, close talked and grinned manically. Though Claire had the eyeliner/pyromaniac glamour we think Wozzer had the edge – he was even beaming insanely at his own reflection as the killer mirror headed his way. What a ledge.
No expense spared pyrotechnics
No evil scheme in Hollyoaks is complete without a climactic explosion and, like The Dog and St Eustace’s church, the Loft met its fiery maker as villagers watched, agog and seemingly unwilling to call the fire services, despite the inferno raging not thirty yards from Mobs.
Confusing masterplans
If the whole point of Claire’s return was that she wanted to get her vengeful, chipped nail varnished hands on Justin then why go to all the bother of harassing Warren? Why not simply garrot Justin as he closed the SU bar? She moves in her own way…
Hubristic twists of fate
Justin’s attempted death by fire escape plunge moider of Claire came back to haunt him in a major way as his beloved Hannah came a cropper – first via Claire and a blunt object, then via Claire and a broken balcony and finally by good old smoke inhalation. Liked the Hannah-Claire bitch fight, though in normal circumstances Claire would have wiped the floor with Miss Anorexic fo sho. (btw we think Hannah will live – else wouldn’t that be a hattrick of blondes Justin has lost to a Claire-related fire?!)
Inexplicable guilt
Why, after all this time, did Darren suddenly feel guilty about the frame mad Jake scheme? And even more so feel the need to ‘fess up?
Random coppers
Who the hell was that policeman interviewing Ste, Calvin and Darren? Where is Mark Gasgoyne? We want the ratfaced pervert!!
Broad daylight villainy
Despite the village buzzing with everyday activity (including Nancy and Kris’s rather icky argument-as-foreplay/cheating on Russ thang) no one seemed to notice Claire as she hobbled off…
Abandoned footwear
Like a lunatic Cinderella, Claire left behind a shoe (prozzie chic red stilletto) in the burning remanents of the Loft. She will be back. Yay.
So, not quite an annual cull but still way better than the ‘Oaks has been for a long time. All is well with the world.
Oooh, the ‘Oaks has let the film student go wild this week – all told in flashback, with mournful cello soundtrack – as first two episodes see the past come back to bite a certain Mr Warren Fox on his close talking ass.
Oh yes, someone is messing with his increasingly unhinged brain, resulting in his by now almost complete transformation into Jack Torrance.
You know it.
Whodunnit?
So Warren is being terrorised by a rogue fly posterer, graffiti artist and wreath maker (loved the grumpy photo used for this). Who could be the culprit? Most of the village really, since he has never been the most cuddly of characters (see below for his latest heinous deeds), however here are our thoughts on the chief suspects:
Calvin: the intent would be there but the skill of application definitely lacking (see his last attempt to stitch up Wozzer). Still far too much sexual tension between them aswell.
Louise: we never definitively found out what happened to our fave wine guzzling harpie so this could be heralding her return. She has the most motive and the melodramatic wreaths etc would be vintage Ms Summers.
Ash: to get his hands on The Loft? Unlikely, shifty as he is his torture subjects of choice are recovering anorexics.
Random factors: Jake – escaped from Chester madhouse and looking for revenge? A sustained campaign of harrassment isn’t really his style. Frankie however…; the ghost of Sean Kennedy – out of everyone he has the biggest bone to pick with the whisperer, having been killed by him, and the ‘Oaks hasn’t had a supernatural character since the demise of Eli…; Mandy – yet another women wronged by Warren…but it’s all a big proactive for her. Which brings us onto Claire – we’ve been calling for her return for yonks and she and Warren defo had unfinished business. Spoilers and speculation online makes her fave
Us = can’t wait!
Boo! Hiss!
Warren’s list of crimes so far this week:
Smashing up Il Gnosh and scaring away the customers
Punching poor Spencer in the chops
Man handling Hannah
Totally not seeing the funny side about his wreath
Shouting at Sasha (though to be fair she deserves it)
In other news:
The Ashworths and Ash continue their campaign to drive Hannah insane. It seems to be working; Justin makes Hannah a mix CD. Aww!; Caleb, Zack and Hayley’s paratrooper/magician bro, arrived in the village – much scouse bonding and comedy ensued; Caleb does the pepsi challenge with the SU’s finest random brand beers- in addition to weisbrau and biergrad he identified gulping goose and five fat pandas. mmm!
Quotes
“Get me your most expensive bottle of champagne”, Warren pushes the boat out. In Il Gnosh.
“Urgh!” Zack’s response to the mental image of Myra doing her bikini line
Justin and Hannah fiiiiiiinally got together. We give it a month before he kills her or sells her to a diamond mine in Sierra Leone.
Justin is looking thinner and, we grudgingly admit, rather hot. Chester’s pie industry has reported a sharp decline in profits.
Despite growing evidence that her man is not only a close talker but a murderer of two, Sasha is valiantly still playing happy families with the Foxes and cussing anyone who questions this lifestyle choice – even being horrible to little Josh. Betch!
Poo-related fun over at Darren’s Dunnies, with Cindy being caught at the wrong end of an upturned porter loo. Ew.
McFly appeared at the SU bar to provide music and relationship advice. As convincing as The Saturdays when they performed a similar role in Hollyoaks Later.
What with London marathons and the like, its been a good long while since WLH caught the ‘Oaks , which is why we are sooo glad we redipped our toes in Chester waters with today’s Channel 4 episode – it was a doozy!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiit
It started out like an episode of The Wire, with Mr Warren Fox in a bit of a pickle – incriminated by Calvin’s sneaky hidden tape recorder and interrogated by a long-time-not-seen Mark Gasgoyne.
As often happened in Baltimore though, the plans of Chester PD went aglae – the tape recorder was broken, Warren taunted them by counting his own teeth and generally leering more than usual, before he was inevitably released back into the wild and Calvin was promptly sacked.
All in the game yo all in the game.
Rumble in the jungle
A showdown between Calvin and Wozzer was by now well overdue and so we can happily report that when it finally all kicked off this brawl that had it all: thunderous/insane drumbeats, throwing: of beer barrels, patio furniture and Warren from the fire escape; shocked onlookers; shock revelations (see OMG moment below) and generally just a lot of writhing around the ground together.
A camp fight to the almost death. Brilliant.
In other news
Nancy and Russ….cute yet somehow wrong?; £50 plus VAT – the cost of Darren’s Dunnies, our fave vest wearer’s latest enterprise;
OMG moment
Okay, this may have already been revealed in previous episodes but this was new to us – Warren has confessed to moidering Louise!??!?! Omfg!
The best episode we’ve seen in a while – is the ‘Oaks having a return to form?
